Be kind. Rewind.

In a shocking turn of events that has everyone's head spinning - I am making yet another large change for 2017.  2017 is the year I return to an old career path with a new perspective.

This one is going back to an office job!  #SayWhat?!

I have just found myself craving the normalcy of a regular schedule for sleeping, social life stuffs and personal time.  My old job, about a month ago, offered me my job back in such a way that it was kinda played off as a joke...but underneath it I knew they were interested.  I was surprised in the way that I didn't flat out reject it, I just kind of avoided it and continued to chew on it until I knew it was the right path to take.

Weird right?  I've been with the ILKB in Clifton Park since it opened. I have accomplished so much, I've met so many wonderful people who have touched my life.  I don't regret a single step of it. The change from a paralegal to a kickboxing instructor to a full out manager (Manager of the Year, if I do say so myself!) was so rewarding and empowering in a way that I don't think I could have achieved doing anything else.  I got to see not only members, but my staff, grow and change in ways that make me so proud.

Apparently 2017 is the time to just shake up every single aspect of my life and put it all in the hands of God, trusting in His plan and learning to just let go.

So I am traveling back in time, back to a time when I was a Davis working at a law firm in Malta.  It's like a movie - where you get to go back in time and do something a little bit better than before because you know better.  You're wiser now.  You know what to expect.  The perspective is different.

Life is about taking chances, moving on, making mistakes, being victorious, and above all - growing.

Moving on.

Around the time I moved into my own place, I had passed by an article online about how getting a divorce can alter all the relationships around you - some friendships will disappear, others will grow stronger; overall, things just change.  

I didn't let that worry me too much.  Life is going to unfold as it would and often the cause of suffering is holding on to things for too long that aren't meant to be held on to.  This was something I read in a book years ago that stuck with me.  Stop holding on, let go.  The emotions, the turmoil, the hurt - all of that is just temporary.

I've been in my own place over a month now and I can sense the shift.  There are some people who were in my inner circle who haven't checked in with me at all.  It's like divorce is a disease that they can catch if they associate with me.  

On the flip side, there are some people who were on the fringes of my life who surprised me, who came out of the woodwork and are now an integral part of my life.  People I can't imagine not being around, people I lean on and grown to absolutely love in a very short amount of time.

The relationships with my family are even different.  With my parents, we have spoken a lot more.  I've been more honest about my life and feelings that I've ever been with them.  The past couple of weeks we've talked less but I think that's because they are realizing that I am okay; I'm over a month into this new life and I've been steadily making headway.

The people I keep the closest and appreciate the most understand that I am going to have my times of feeling overwhelmed.  I don't think it matters if the separation from a partner is mutual or one-sided; it's still a lot of work to sort through the emotional and physical baggage.  I'm going to have my moments of planning all these social events and then cancelling all of them because manic phases only last for so long until one is simply worn out.  In all honestly, the past couple of weeks I've been on the go so much and I haven't been sleeping well. My fever blister on my lip is back and that's always been my sign to slow down, sleep more, stress less, and do exactly whatever it is I want to do at that time.

Now is the time for me to indulge in my hobbies.  Now is the time where I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why I do or don't want to do something. Now is the time where I shouldn't have to be accountable to anyone but myself.  To remember that no, I'm not the same girl who was married in 2014, I'm actually a better version.

More Thoughts on Breaking Cycles...

Quick note before I get into the nitty-gritty...I AM SO EXCITED!  I got myself a LG desktop computer today and OH EM GEE - it is the cutest thing!  I feel so adult.  Much adult.  So wow.

Okay, moving on to the serious stuffs.

A few posts ago, I talked about two cycles I grew up with and how I conquered one of them, but the other is a work in progress.

What I didn't truly realize was that while I admitted those challenges, another one was hiding right under my nose the entire time.  Another cycle that I didn't grow up with, but one that developed about 5 years ago.

It's so true what the pastor of my church said yesterday - let me share it with you, in likely NOT his exact words:

several small wise decisions x multiple days = an amazing life

and

several small unwise decisions x multiple days = a miserable life

That really hit home for me because I was still engaging in a certain behavioral habit that I had kicked about a month before my husband and I split.  But it came back up when I moved into my own place. So, I was moving forward in many ways except for one.

I think of how my life got to this point and man, isn't hindsight a huge joke.  I can clearly remember each and every small, unwise decision I made that lead me to where I'm sitting right now.  I made excuses, I allowed the behaviors and habits of another disturb my rhythm.  I rationalized it.  I validated it. I profited from it.

Sure, my life is pretty amazing in so many ways, but I had also felt ashamed, too.  I wasn't who my parents raised me to be.  I didn't feel I was living honestly.  I felt like I had a double life and once I started admitting to people how things rolled into one giant snowball that broke apart into pieces...I actually felt free.  And I started with my parents; probably the hardest people to admit my poor decisions to.

The most reassuring thing to really know is that it's never too late to stop the nonsense.  So, I made the decision, again, to, and this time it's going to stick.  The poor decisions I made are no longer a part of who I am; I left them behind in 2016 along with other things that weren't working.

And it seems like for so many, 2016 was a rough year that left people ragged and tired.  Don't blame the year.  Don't really blame anything - just own your actions and decisions and #DoBetter.

Mean what you say ~ say what you mean

In today's episode of "what's Stacey thinking about?", I bring to you more observations about uncomfortable topics.

There are a lot of throwaway words out there these days.  What I mean by that is while there is a push for practicing kindness and understanding (despite the equal pull of negativity and hate-speech from the small-minded), some words are just...empty.  That's probably an unintended consequence of people's attempt to keep their language only positive and uplifting - the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality.  I mean, at least the words being said ARE kind but if there isn't anything genuine behind them, does it really count?

Peeps be tossin' compliments around like candy at a parade - randomly, in spurts, but the person throwing the candy doesn't really see or focus on the recipient.  They toss and move on, because the parade isn't over yet.

I...really struggle with this.  As someone who compliments and praises when it's genuinely deserved (not expected, not forced, no bullshit), I can tell the difference between a real, kind remark and one that's a knee-jerk reaction or an attempt to placate me.  And it drives me absolutely bonkers to know the difference yet say nothing but "thank you" to a phony compliment.

Another thing I see often that drives me nuts are the people who constantly feel they need to "one-up" someone else in a conversation.  Someone's bad day is purely relative to that person based on their life experiences.  It isn't a contest to see who has it worse.

Someone admitting that they are tired or run down from the stress of life isn't an invitation to compare miseries.  It's one thing to reach a hand out and be understanding - showing the person that they aren't alone -  it's another to effectively invalidate that person's experience because they don't know what "real" suffering is, real tiredness is, what a really bad life actually is.  Everyone and anyone is entitled to really feel their day didn't go as planned if they started it off by spilling coffee on themselves or stepping in dog shit.  Maybe that's all they can take that day.  Whatever. Let them feel it and get over it.

If you are a person that does these things, stop it.  Stop it right now.  It's super frustrating and someone shouldn't have to bring it to your attention directly.  It's awkward, it's embarrassing (for you), and it's unnecessarily confrontational...but it's never too late to be a whole new person.  I was told years ago that it's never too late to reinvent yourself.  It took me years to be brave enough to do it but damn, was it ever worth it.

Breaking the Cycles

Today was my first day back at church in a while and the message was all about breaking the cycles that chain us (and the generations coming after us).

I still do not plan on having children, but I could very well still be an influence in the lives of a child or two, so I still think evaluating the cycles that I spin around in is still valuable.

There are some cycles I know I have broken out of, without even consciously doing so.  One of them is...

Bad eating habits - growing up, I had a steady diet of fast food and chain restaurants.  Burger King, McDonalds, Friendly's, Pizza Hut...Those were haunts of ours as I grew up.  My mom worked a lot of hours managing a pharmacy (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and I can't say I blame her if that made her not have the energy to cook often.  It was about convenience eating, for the most part.  

I was born in 1983 - the generation that started growing up with Hot Pockets, microwaved popcorn and Pizza Rolls, not really considering the long-term consequences.

Now I am much more conscious of what I put into my body.  I can tell the difference between how I feel mentally and physically when I go on a bender of bad foods.  I treat my body a lot better now and have educated myself on healthier eating habits, despite not being really taught that growing up.

But, I'm still a work in progress.  There are some cycles that I am working on, and they are kinda big.

The Inability to Ask for Help.  This one's tough.  I'm not really sure where the independent streak is from but if I look at my family life, my parents are very private individuals.  I'm sure if they struggled with things, they didn't reach out to their friends, neighbors or family members to talk about it or get help.  I'm not saying that they DIDN'T ever do these things - but I never really saw that.  But, as a child, would I have even noticed?

I have had to learn that crying isn't a weakness, although it still feels that way at times.  When I went to a church member after the service today that waits near the stage for prayer requests, I cried immediately, before I really could even get my request out.   This woman probably thought I was a out-of-control, hot mess.  And I immediately felt embarrassed and had to tell myself to get over it.  We aren't meant to handle our emotions alone; we are meant to have a community of people who can help us through it.  And this woman, her name is Missy, by the way, likely doesn't think I'm a mess at all.  She knows nothing about me besides what I was able to squeak out.  I'd like to think that people don't judge based on a few words or a few tears.  There's so much more than the eye can see.

So, that's another reason why I blog, even if the topics may get uncomfortable.  I have to really force myself to open up because I know there have to be others who can relate to my words.  Maybe you've been through it.  Maybe you are going through it now.  Whatever it is, I am just trying to connect.  Unify.  Support.

The Apparent Coldness.  This has been a trend through much of my adult life.  I know I have a stillness about me; a coldness that others can feel at times.  This one is tough because I have in the past let my emotions sweep me away from reality and if I've learned anything about life it's that it goes on, even if we don't want it to.

So even when life is tough, I try not to focus on the emotions of it.  I focus on the game plan.  What's going to happen next?  What can I do to mitigate whatever damage that may happen?

I think a lot of that comes with working as a paralegal for 12 years.  I dealt with people's problems day in and day out.  They got to feel the emotions of it while I took care of the paperwork.  So, over the years, I've become a "paperwork" person.  I can rather easily find the path that things need to go on, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.  

My mom can be very stoic and I am very much like her.  It's not that we don't have feelings - we do.  Our feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's.  When we see someone else hurt, we hurt, too.  But we know that things still have to keep going, no matter what those feelings are.  

I'm not really sure how to overcome this one, but I am much more open to admitting it, so that's a start, I think.  

My husband has told me numerous times that I'm cold and I had to explain this very thing to him.

I've had a couple of ex-boyfriends tell me similar things before.

I've had a former staff member tell me this, too.  

So I can't sit here and deny that this must be the temperament I radiate, this cold, stand-offishness.  I believe if more than a couple people have expressed an opinion of you, that must be the truth of what you're putting out into the world - even if it's not on purpose.  

Not to mention, let's face it - opening up to others is a scary thing!  I've been hurt so many times by friends, family, and relationships over the years that it's tough to not carry that scar tissue around some.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving out ammunition that can be used to hurt me later on.  This way of thinking is dangerous and damaging - I can't control the actions of others.  I can't control if they talk smack about me behind my back.  That's on them; not me.  I can only control me and I don't want another single person to tell me that I am cold-hearted because that truly isn't the person that I am.

But now I'm curious - what are some cycles that you see from your upbringing that you are now repeating?  What are you working on to change?

How My Life is Changing

I've been due another raw(ish) blog post but I haven't been certain as to what to say.  To follow up...

I "dared" to expose that my husband and I were separating in my last post.  And we did.  I moved into my own cozy place a couple of days before Christmas and have been residing here since.

I've been setting into my new routine and the biggest change is that I find I have a lot more free time.  I am no longer taking care of an entire household, another individual, 3 dogs...I've had time to sit on my couch and just relax and reflect on a lot of things I've experienced over the past few years.  The fact that I can just sit and not be needed to do something when I'm home is really very nice. 

Stacey is no longer working 24/7.  #SayWhat?

I also look in the mirror and feel like my face is less tired looking and worried from stress and anxiety.  I feel like I've been smiling easier, laughing harder, being Stacey a lot better than I was.  But I also feel that I lost my best friend.  So, there's that, too. 

When I come home, the vibes are good because it's just FeeBee and I.  There's no one else's mood to dance around and wonder about.

FeeBee is happier.  This 14 year old pug wants to play again! She has stuffed toys that don't get destroyed and when I'm at work, she sleeps snuggly in her little doggie bed.  She has a dog bed!  She couldn't have that before because it would have been eaten.

Speaking of eating, I'm about 90% vegetarian now and I feel fabulous!  I feel like my energy and strength has increased.  Mentally and physically.

I'm not a person who gets lonely when I'm by myself.  I like alone time; it's how I re-charge.  I can sometimes get lonely in crowds when I don't feel I have a connection to who is there around me.  I think that may be a worse feeling - the feeling of being around others but feeling disconnected.  But I enjoy being an independent, free person.

Do I wish my husband and I could've worked it out?  Sure. I take my marriage vows very seriously but both people have to be willing to put in the work, not just one.  This is not an accusation but a true statement.  In order for any relationship to work, the people involved have to work together.  There was more than one factor in our split and we are simply choosing to work on bettering ourselves separately, not together.

And when I am ready, I can seek to find a like-minded individual.  And my husband can, as well.

The biggest change really is the sense of peace I feel right now.  That I am doing exactly the right things to grow as a person and to fulfill whatever purpose God has in store for me.  I don't feel like I am fighting the inevitable - as my friend Will would call it - "square peg, round hole". 

I Dare.

I'm going to do something super uncomfortable.

I'm going to admit something that a lot of people don't really admit when it's happening...but my husband and I are separating.   

I almost feel like I shouldn't be announcing it to the world - because it's not really the world's business.  But the whole purpose of this blog is to share, to connect, to talk about the things that are going on.  Not to just pretend life is all hunky-dory 24/7.  

Okay, life is generally hunky-dory.  But that includes the ugly, hurtful things.  Life can be amazing and still have the rough stuff.

And rough stuff it is.  

The "put your game face on and deal with it" aspect is rough.  There are things that still have to be done, no matter how I'm feeling.  Buying a car, securing an apartment, dealing with questions about why I'm the one leaving the house, buying new things for said apartment because no, I'm not the type to leave someone with nothing (that's not nice), packing, CHRISTMAS, a full time job, furbabies...

While yeah, some moments I want to just lay on the floor and sob (and I have, it is what it is), life must go on.  And it can either go on positively or I can dwell on all the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and drown in them eventually.

I have my good moments and bad moments.  And those happen within moments.  

Today was rough.  I was (and still sort of am) unsure about a departure date from my home.  It's frustrating to not have a closure with that, but it's getting sorted.  But, I put on press-on nails today and felt better.  I made myself a giant bowl of popcorn for dinner and I felt better.  I looked at a different, but super amazing apartment and felt better.  I have the love and support of my family and friends (and that includes all my peeps at my job), and I felt better.  

But I went through our wedding cards and was upset.  Hugged a teddy bear I got on Valentine's Day and was upset.  Watched him walk out of our house, headed to a hotel for the night, was upset.  Thought about never seeing Berkley and Dave again, got upset.  Because this is all relatively amicable doesn't mean we are ever going to be friends.  But I keep saying to myself - a lot of suffering is caused by holding on...let go.  God has it in control.  And I truly believe He does.

And I'm alive.  I'm unapologetically alive.  I'm going through a rough time and I'm not going to be sorry for it or sorry for myself.  I am grieving but I know life is going to be happy for us both.  I'm going to be kind to myself about the process of it all.  When I'm sad, I will be sad.  When I'm joyous, I will dance.  When I am tired, I will do my best and nap!  Because holy cow.  The wide array of emotions that has been passing through this house the past few weeks has us both exhausted and looking forward to this change, despite how large of one it is.  Both of us need space and time to heal, sleep, and move on.

Start Each Day with a Grateful Heart!

I dislike the days where I wake up and am cranky for no reason whatsoever.

(No, I'm not having a day like this today ~ but I did have a couple of them recently.)

On days like this, I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I gripe; I sulk; I'm resentful.  I am exactly the kind of person I avoid like the plague.  And then the guilt piles on...because I'm so darned blessed in so many ways - how DARE I feel otherwise?  How DARE I not be overflowing with gratitude at every single second of every single day?

Because I am human.  That's why. 

Let's face it...life can be super challenging!  It can get anyone down at times. It can feel like defeat before my feet have even hit the bedroom carpet.

Pep talk time! Because ain't nobody got time for pity parties.

...even if you have to force it, initially.  Check off all the good things in your life; surround yourself with good people and watch the day get better!

My life is amazing and wonderful.  It's full of amazing and wonderful people - including me.  I may not be everyone's cup of tea but that's why tea comes in so many flavors - so we can find the ones we like and enjoy them. :)

I live a very full and busy life doing exactly what I love. That's not even just my career, but in my personal life, too.

I choose what to fill my life with.

I choose the people I want around me and I choose who to give my energy to.  I choose "my tribe."

I choose to focus on the good in people.  

I choose to pass on the things and behaviors of others that don't enrich me.   

I choose to try and be a good example.

And then there's the reassurance that I'm okay.  You're okay.  We're all okay.  Chill.

Even on the days where I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything, I'm still a person of value.  I'm still loved, needed, and noticed.  And you are, too.  Knowing these things on those stressed out, no-win kind of days is so encouraging!

Part of being "unapologetically alive" is not being sorry about who you are and what you bring to the table.  It's about being secure in your spirit and being okay with those who aren't on the same wavelength.  It's about owning your mistakes and not letting them stop you - instead, learning from them.  It's about taking that bad day and forcing it to be a better one, even if the success is small.  It's about choosing to seek gratefulness through the storm.