More Thoughts on Breaking Cycles...

Quick note before I get into the nitty-gritty...I AM SO EXCITED!  I got myself a LG desktop computer today and OH EM GEE - it is the cutest thing!  I feel so adult.  Much adult.  So wow.

Okay, moving on to the serious stuffs.

A few posts ago, I talked about two cycles I grew up with and how I conquered one of them, but the other is a work in progress.

What I didn't truly realize was that while I admitted those challenges, another one was hiding right under my nose the entire time.  Another cycle that I didn't grow up with, but one that developed about 5 years ago.

It's so true what the pastor of my church said yesterday - let me share it with you, in likely NOT his exact words:

several small wise decisions x multiple days = an amazing life

and

several small unwise decisions x multiple days = a miserable life

That really hit home for me because I was still engaging in a certain behavioral habit that I had kicked about a month before my husband and I split.  But it came back up when I moved into my own place. So, I was moving forward in many ways except for one.

I think of how my life got to this point and man, isn't hindsight a huge joke.  I can clearly remember each and every small, unwise decision I made that lead me to where I'm sitting right now.  I made excuses, I allowed the behaviors and habits of another disturb my rhythm.  I rationalized it.  I validated it. I profited from it.

Sure, my life is pretty amazing in so many ways, but I had also felt ashamed, too.  I wasn't who my parents raised me to be.  I didn't feel I was living honestly.  I felt like I had a double life and once I started admitting to people how things rolled into one giant snowball that broke apart into pieces...I actually felt free.  And I started with my parents; probably the hardest people to admit my poor decisions to.

The most reassuring thing to really know is that it's never too late to stop the nonsense.  So, I made the decision, again, to, and this time it's going to stick.  The poor decisions I made are no longer a part of who I am; I left them behind in 2016 along with other things that weren't working.

And it seems like for so many, 2016 was a rough year that left people ragged and tired.  Don't blame the year.  Don't really blame anything - just own your actions and decisions and #DoBetter.

Mean what you say ~ say what you mean

In today's episode of "what's Stacey thinking about?", I bring to you more observations about uncomfortable topics.

There are a lot of throwaway words out there these days.  What I mean by that is while there is a push for practicing kindness and understanding (despite the equal pull of negativity and hate-speech from the small-minded), some words are just...empty.  That's probably an unintended consequence of people's attempt to keep their language only positive and uplifting - the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality.  I mean, at least the words being said ARE kind but if there isn't anything genuine behind them, does it really count?

Peeps be tossin' compliments around like candy at a parade - randomly, in spurts, but the person throwing the candy doesn't really see or focus on the recipient.  They toss and move on, because the parade isn't over yet.

I...really struggle with this.  As someone who compliments and praises when it's genuinely deserved (not expected, not forced, no bullshit), I can tell the difference between a real, kind remark and one that's a knee-jerk reaction or an attempt to placate me.  And it drives me absolutely bonkers to know the difference yet say nothing but "thank you" to a phony compliment.

Another thing I see often that drives me nuts are the people who constantly feel they need to "one-up" someone else in a conversation.  Someone's bad day is purely relative to that person based on their life experiences.  It isn't a contest to see who has it worse.

Someone admitting that they are tired or run down from the stress of life isn't an invitation to compare miseries.  It's one thing to reach a hand out and be understanding - showing the person that they aren't alone -  it's another to effectively invalidate that person's experience because they don't know what "real" suffering is, real tiredness is, what a really bad life actually is.  Everyone and anyone is entitled to really feel their day didn't go as planned if they started it off by spilling coffee on themselves or stepping in dog shit.  Maybe that's all they can take that day.  Whatever. Let them feel it and get over it.

If you are a person that does these things, stop it.  Stop it right now.  It's super frustrating and someone shouldn't have to bring it to your attention directly.  It's awkward, it's embarrassing (for you), and it's unnecessarily confrontational...but it's never too late to be a whole new person.  I was told years ago that it's never too late to reinvent yourself.  It took me years to be brave enough to do it but damn, was it ever worth it.

This is real life.

And it's messy at times. It's complicated. It's ugly and it's freakin' gorgeous.

But let me tell you about what's going on now.

First off, I had a very unique week!  I spent a few days in Liverpool, NY, helping a sister studio.  That felt ah-mazing!  I got to see things with fresh eyes, offer assistance, and get to know and meet some really awesome people.  I just feel super blessed that this IS my real life.

I sewed some more glove deodorizers/moisture wickers; I made some rice packs that can be heated up or frozen, depending on what one needs for their muscle aches.  I had quiet time to myself which feels very vital to my well-being.  I started a novel that rings very close to home when it comes to my personal life, so part of me wants to scrap it...but the other part of me is stubborn and wants to forge on through.

I ate and drank well!  As in, I let loose a bit this week and just enjoyed my life.  When in Rome, ya know?  I don't want to get too skinny now, do I?

I also got a copy of the proposed Separation Agreement drafted by my husband's attorneys and hilarious, he doesn't believe I'm entitled to my fair share of the equity in the home I purchased with him, prior to our marriage.

And then, I had a bridal show today where I got to mix with brides, grooms, the families of these peeps, as well as their wedding parties.  Which was really nice!  But - hold up - I have to post this picture again...

Because it's just ironic that I just get a copy of a silly settlement offer today and then had to turn around and be surrounded by happy people who are getting married in the near future.  I honestly can't help but laugh at the absurdity that life can be sometimes.  But I enjoyed myself, truly.  I got to spend time outside of the studio with my assistant manager and watch her shine and I got to shake peoples' hands and connect.

This girl needs a cocktail and a foot massage.

And I'm getting one of those around 6 tonight.  You can guess which one :)

Let's take a ride this morning

...sounds nice, right?  Wanna go for a ride?

On

my

mood swing?

The hardest part right now of settling into being a single gal is the mood swings that go along with such a big life change.  One day is the best day ever, the next I'm struggling to find the motivation to pour cereal into a bowl and eat it.  But there is one thing that is never compromised and that's coffee.  Sweet nectar of the gods.

I have been keeping myself busy, just like my doctor encouraged.  This part isn't hard.  I have so many amazing people in my life and I'm blessed that they want to and seek to spend time with me.

I've also been reading some really great books, tackling projects that challenge me creatively, and I even took a sambo class at Storm Crow Dojo in Menands Friday night.  I like trying new things and this was really fun.  I got to throw people around and get thrown around myself.  Score!  Really, up until I got home from that class Friday night I was doing really great.

And then the funk settled in and it lingered all weekend.  Stress shows itself to me in the form of me beginning to get run down and sick, I become very tired.  But if I know anything about depressive cycles it's that it passes and the most important thing I can do is to just keep moving, even if it's slow.

So, yesterday I spent time at my sewing machine, creating my first set of moisture wicking boxing glove deodorizers.  They smell nice - they are scented with tea tree oil in rice.  I'm thinking I may make a bunch of these to sell.  They kept me busy, they are purposeful, and I have a lot of random scraps of fabric that would make each pair very unique.

And I also made a kick-ass soup and it will be featured today at noon on the ilovekickboxing Clifton Park fan page.  This made me happy yesterday, to sit and eat something hot, delicious and filling.  Getting by is really all about the little things.

Beauty All Around

Sometimes I feel like I'm floating around in a dream.  As if all that is going on around me isn't real.

When I'm at work, I'm very grounded.  I'm able to focus; I'm surrounded by happy, like-minded people who lift me up.  I just love what I get to do!  The shift flies by and boom, I'm vacuuming the the body crumbs from the mat of a hundred sweaty, victorious people.  (Side note:  I hope to find someone some day that is truly passionate about what they do.  They will then understand my passions and not feel resentful toward them.  Because damn.  This girl is passionate about a variety of things!)

I even got a little gift yesterday from a member - a nice reminder to always be looking up.  :)  AND OWLS. Seriously.  OWLS.  

I freaking love owls, in case you weren't sure.

However, when I'm in my new home, my focus slips.  I sit for long periods of time with music playing on Pandora.  I nap on the couch.  No, I am not depressed.  I am just enjoying my time.

I make small strides in re-organization and re-evaluating the items around me and their purpose in my new life.  But, mostly I just try and stay grounded and notice all the beauty around me.  I like the solitude.  It helps me think, it helps me recharge.  Basically, being by myself is helping me focus, in an unfocused way, on my own self-improvement and growth.  Sometimes the road to better things is on the path of least resistance. Not everything has to be a fight.

But I stop and smell the roses.  Check out this amazing - but strange - rock that lives out in my yard.

How did that face get there?  What was it before?  And why is it in my yard?  I have no idea but I LOVE IT. That's all I know. 

In other news/personal growth:  starting February 12th, I am going to be on a monthly rotation with my church with providing the church volunteers with food.  I'm kinda psyched about this because another passion of mine is food and I love sharing that with people!  I wish I could start this project this weekend but realistically, I'm out pretty much all day Friday and Saturday with previously scheduled social engagements...I won't have much time to even cook for myself, much less a group of 12.  

I sense I was asked to volunteer to pull me back into the church and I am totally okay with that.  I need that accountability and it's nice to feel welcome, wanted, and noticed.  I want to connect more at church and part of me feels super guilty that it has been a while since I've been consistent.  I feel like people see that written on my forehead.  I'm crazy, I know.  But this is a new chapter in my life and regular church attendance and connections with those inside of it is all a part of it.

In February, as well, growth groups start.  And my amazing neighbors run a group right out of their apartment.  To say I was meant to be right where I am right now is a severe understatement.  I don't think I've said it enough, actually.  I was meant to be here.  

Breaking the Cycles

Today was my first day back at church in a while and the message was all about breaking the cycles that chain us (and the generations coming after us).

I still do not plan on having children, but I could very well still be an influence in the lives of a child or two, so I still think evaluating the cycles that I spin around in is still valuable.

There are some cycles I know I have broken out of, without even consciously doing so.  One of them is...

Bad eating habits - growing up, I had a steady diet of fast food and chain restaurants.  Burger King, McDonalds, Friendly's, Pizza Hut...Those were haunts of ours as I grew up.  My mom worked a lot of hours managing a pharmacy (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and I can't say I blame her if that made her not have the energy to cook often.  It was about convenience eating, for the most part.  

I was born in 1983 - the generation that started growing up with Hot Pockets, microwaved popcorn and Pizza Rolls, not really considering the long-term consequences.

Now I am much more conscious of what I put into my body.  I can tell the difference between how I feel mentally and physically when I go on a bender of bad foods.  I treat my body a lot better now and have educated myself on healthier eating habits, despite not being really taught that growing up.

But, I'm still a work in progress.  There are some cycles that I am working on, and they are kinda big.

The Inability to Ask for Help.  This one's tough.  I'm not really sure where the independent streak is from but if I look at my family life, my parents are very private individuals.  I'm sure if they struggled with things, they didn't reach out to their friends, neighbors or family members to talk about it or get help.  I'm not saying that they DIDN'T ever do these things - but I never really saw that.  But, as a child, would I have even noticed?

I have had to learn that crying isn't a weakness, although it still feels that way at times.  When I went to a church member after the service today that waits near the stage for prayer requests, I cried immediately, before I really could even get my request out.   This woman probably thought I was a out-of-control, hot mess.  And I immediately felt embarrassed and had to tell myself to get over it.  We aren't meant to handle our emotions alone; we are meant to have a community of people who can help us through it.  And this woman, her name is Missy, by the way, likely doesn't think I'm a mess at all.  She knows nothing about me besides what I was able to squeak out.  I'd like to think that people don't judge based on a few words or a few tears.  There's so much more than the eye can see.

So, that's another reason why I blog, even if the topics may get uncomfortable.  I have to really force myself to open up because I know there have to be others who can relate to my words.  Maybe you've been through it.  Maybe you are going through it now.  Whatever it is, I am just trying to connect.  Unify.  Support.

The Apparent Coldness.  This has been a trend through much of my adult life.  I know I have a stillness about me; a coldness that others can feel at times.  This one is tough because I have in the past let my emotions sweep me away from reality and if I've learned anything about life it's that it goes on, even if we don't want it to.

So even when life is tough, I try not to focus on the emotions of it.  I focus on the game plan.  What's going to happen next?  What can I do to mitigate whatever damage that may happen?

I think a lot of that comes with working as a paralegal for 12 years.  I dealt with people's problems day in and day out.  They got to feel the emotions of it while I took care of the paperwork.  So, over the years, I've become a "paperwork" person.  I can rather easily find the path that things need to go on, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.  

My mom can be very stoic and I am very much like her.  It's not that we don't have feelings - we do.  Our feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's.  When we see someone else hurt, we hurt, too.  But we know that things still have to keep going, no matter what those feelings are.  

I'm not really sure how to overcome this one, but I am much more open to admitting it, so that's a start, I think.  

My husband has told me numerous times that I'm cold and I had to explain this very thing to him.

I've had a couple of ex-boyfriends tell me similar things before.

I've had a former staff member tell me this, too.  

So I can't sit here and deny that this must be the temperament I radiate, this cold, stand-offishness.  I believe if more than a couple people have expressed an opinion of you, that must be the truth of what you're putting out into the world - even if it's not on purpose.  

Not to mention, let's face it - opening up to others is a scary thing!  I've been hurt so many times by friends, family, and relationships over the years that it's tough to not carry that scar tissue around some.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving out ammunition that can be used to hurt me later on.  This way of thinking is dangerous and damaging - I can't control the actions of others.  I can't control if they talk smack about me behind my back.  That's on them; not me.  I can only control me and I don't want another single person to tell me that I am cold-hearted because that truly isn't the person that I am.

But now I'm curious - what are some cycles that you see from your upbringing that you are now repeating?  What are you working on to change?

How My Life is Changing

I've been due another raw(ish) blog post but I haven't been certain as to what to say.  To follow up...

I "dared" to expose that my husband and I were separating in my last post.  And we did.  I moved into my own cozy place a couple of days before Christmas and have been residing here since.

I've been setting into my new routine and the biggest change is that I find I have a lot more free time.  I am no longer taking care of an entire household, another individual, 3 dogs...I've had time to sit on my couch and just relax and reflect on a lot of things I've experienced over the past few years.  The fact that I can just sit and not be needed to do something when I'm home is really very nice. 

Stacey is no longer working 24/7.  #SayWhat?

I also look in the mirror and feel like my face is less tired looking and worried from stress and anxiety.  I feel like I've been smiling easier, laughing harder, being Stacey a lot better than I was.  But I also feel that I lost my best friend.  So, there's that, too. 

When I come home, the vibes are good because it's just FeeBee and I.  There's no one else's mood to dance around and wonder about.

FeeBee is happier.  This 14 year old pug wants to play again! She has stuffed toys that don't get destroyed and when I'm at work, she sleeps snuggly in her little doggie bed.  She has a dog bed!  She couldn't have that before because it would have been eaten.

Speaking of eating, I'm about 90% vegetarian now and I feel fabulous!  I feel like my energy and strength has increased.  Mentally and physically.

I'm not a person who gets lonely when I'm by myself.  I like alone time; it's how I re-charge.  I can sometimes get lonely in crowds when I don't feel I have a connection to who is there around me.  I think that may be a worse feeling - the feeling of being around others but feeling disconnected.  But I enjoy being an independent, free person.

Do I wish my husband and I could've worked it out?  Sure. I take my marriage vows very seriously but both people have to be willing to put in the work, not just one.  This is not an accusation but a true statement.  In order for any relationship to work, the people involved have to work together.  There was more than one factor in our split and we are simply choosing to work on bettering ourselves separately, not together.

And when I am ready, I can seek to find a like-minded individual.  And my husband can, as well.

The biggest change really is the sense of peace I feel right now.  That I am doing exactly the right things to grow as a person and to fulfill whatever purpose God has in store for me.  I don't feel like I am fighting the inevitable - as my friend Will would call it - "square peg, round hole". 

Be A Proliferator of Good. A$$. Vibes.

2017 is slated to be another year of huuuuge growth, as was 2014, 2015, and 2016.

And I ain't even mad. 

I posted a blog about a month ago where I talked about my own dreams for my future.  I talked about a renovated barn, I talked about a fire crackling...I now live in a renovated barn with a fireplace.  I also pictured my husband with me but not all dreams can be 100% what we want.  Even dreams come with compromises. 

But one of the things I will never compromise is who I give my energy to.  I don't want to find myself in regular company with people who aren't passionate, who are complainers, make excuses, who aren't do-ers, who lack vision, direction or dreams...people who can't even be bothered to ask me how my day was. 

I will not have any more one-sided relationships with people, and I don't need the coming of a new year to make that an official "thing".  It's not a resolution; it's now a life-requirement. 

I am not going to apologize for being driven and hungry for success and growth - personal and professional.

I will not apologize for always trying to see the brighter side of things; to see the lesson in the failure.

I will remain consistent in striving to always #dobetter in all things, especially when it comes to being a better person; someone who others want to be around because I make them feel like they can achieve anything.

I want to be a fount of Good Ass Vibes from this point forward.