I've been due another raw(ish) blog post but I haven't been certain as to what to say. To follow up...
I "dared" to expose that my husband and I were separating in my last post. And we did. I moved into my own cozy place a couple of days before Christmas and have been residing here since.
I've been setting into my new routine and the biggest change is that I find I have a lot more free time. I am no longer taking care of an entire household, another individual, 3 dogs...I've had time to sit on my couch and just relax and reflect on a lot of things I've experienced over the past few years. The fact that I can just sit and not be needed to do something when I'm home is really very nice.
Stacey is no longer working 24/7. #SayWhat?
I also look in the mirror and feel like my face is less tired looking and worried from stress and anxiety. I feel like I've been smiling easier, laughing harder, being Stacey a lot better than I was. But I also feel that I lost my best friend. So, there's that, too.
When I come home, the vibes are good because it's just FeeBee and I. There's no one else's mood to dance around and wonder about.
FeeBee is happier. This 14 year old pug wants to play again! She has stuffed toys that don't get destroyed and when I'm at work, she sleeps snuggly in her little doggie bed. She has a dog bed! She couldn't have that before because it would have been eaten.
Speaking of eating, I'm about 90% vegetarian now and I feel fabulous! I feel like my energy and strength has increased. Mentally and physically.
I'm not a person who gets lonely when I'm by myself. I like alone time; it's how I re-charge. I can sometimes get lonely in crowds when I don't feel I have a connection to who is there around me. I think that may be a worse feeling - the feeling of being around others but feeling disconnected. But I enjoy being an independent, free person.
Do I wish my husband and I could've worked it out? Sure. I take my marriage vows very seriously but both people have to be willing to put in the work, not just one. This is not an accusation but a true statement. In order for any relationship to work, the people involved have to work together. There was more than one factor in our split and we are simply choosing to work on bettering ourselves separately, not together.
And when I am ready, I can seek to find a like-minded individual. And my husband can, as well.
The biggest change really is the sense of peace I feel right now. That I am doing exactly the right things to grow as a person and to fulfill whatever purpose God has in store for me. I don't feel like I am fighting the inevitable - as my friend Will would call it - "square peg, round hole".
