Finding my words.

At the end of 2016, my Facebook feed was filled stuff like this:

..and I didn't really get it. It was definitely "a year"; 2016 had many great times and it had its rough, dirty times, too. But, really, none of that is holding a candle to my year thus far.

I mentioned before that I'm going through a divorce. I've lived in my new place with FeeBee since 12/23 and the attorneys are handling everything, so I don't feel like much of my energy is spent in that direction.

But yesterday was the hardest day of my entire life.  Yesterday FeeBee was euthanized at an emergency veterinary clinic. I had brought her in Friday night and they were going to keep her all weekend to stabilize her vitals. Her blood sugar was way down (she hadn't really eaten) and her blood pressure was very low. It was hard leaving her Friday night but I was just hoping for the best, knowing it was the right thing to happen.

The next morning I was called by the doctor and her blood pressure had continued to drop, despite the medicine she was being given to elevate it. She was not responsive and could do no more than simply lay there.  There was fluid in her body that suggests a very large infection but they couldn't even truly investigate because they couldn't get her stabilized. I had to make the decision to let her go as her BP was so low that her body was beginning to shut down; the doctor said that they had exhausted all of their methods.

I just howled in my apartment. I don't know the other word for it but I howled. And all I've wanted to do is scream, throw things, just let loose and I can't.

Thankfully, FeeBee waited for me to arrive.  She couldn't move but she saw me and wiggled her eyebrows, twitched her feet a bit. When I picked her up she just melted in my arms. My parents were on their way, my friend had brought me there, but I wanted to wait for my parents to arrive to put her to rest. I wasn't able to do that because her breathing began to get very labored and it's just not right to let her hurt.  So, she was put to sleep in my lap and it was like she simply...fell asleep.  Just without the snoring.

The outpouring of love I've received from people is simply amazing. I don't even know what to do with it all.  I've been asked if I'm okay, how I'm doing...and the truth is - I don't know how I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm really doing very well. I feel that I'm putting on a face and just going through the motions.  I feel like a can of fireworks. I feel like a part of me is missing and I could float away.  I feel like everyone is watching me to see how I'm going to be and I have to pretend that I still am feeling like there's purpose in all of this.

I feel like I don't want to do anything. I feel like I don't know my place. I just despair.  It comes in waves and I catch myself just whining.  She was 14 when she died; I had her since she was a baby. I don't know what it's like to not have someone to come home to. I don't know what my life is like without her because it's been so long I don't remember.  She slept with me and her spot was curled up right next to my belly.  That spot feels so empty.  I've never had an empty house or an empty bed.

I have faith I'll see her again but that doesn't make the feeling of loss I'm experiencing right now any better. It doesn't make my apartment feel like a home again, like it did less than 48 hours ago.

FeeBee is buried at my parents' house. Somehow, the ground was soft enough to dig a deep hole and place her in, next to her brother. I wasn't sure how we'd do it but my dad was like "We'll pick-axe it if we need to," - no excuses.  So me, my dad, and my friend Theresa dug a hole for my baby and didn't even need the axe. It was a gorgeous, warm day.  The kind of day that would've made FeeBee perk up and want to explore outside.

I'm grateful for a lot of things, despite the pain. I'm grateful that for 2 months, she was the one that received all my love and attention - never mind the attention from my friends and family. She liked being the only dog; the only recipient of all affection. I had almost 14 years with her and that's more than a lot of people have with their dogs.  When I moved here, she came with me wherever she could, so, basically, everywhere but work, the grocery store, and my weekend trip to Boston. She had a great life; I just wish it would last forever.

She.

Made me laugh, made me stop and be present, made me love.

And if you hear a howling, that is me.

Moving on.

Around the time I moved into my own place, I had passed by an article online about how getting a divorce can alter all the relationships around you - some friendships will disappear, others will grow stronger; overall, things just change.  

I didn't let that worry me too much.  Life is going to unfold as it would and often the cause of suffering is holding on to things for too long that aren't meant to be held on to.  This was something I read in a book years ago that stuck with me.  Stop holding on, let go.  The emotions, the turmoil, the hurt - all of that is just temporary.

I've been in my own place over a month now and I can sense the shift.  There are some people who were in my inner circle who haven't checked in with me at all.  It's like divorce is a disease that they can catch if they associate with me.  

On the flip side, there are some people who were on the fringes of my life who surprised me, who came out of the woodwork and are now an integral part of my life.  People I can't imagine not being around, people I lean on and grown to absolutely love in a very short amount of time.

The relationships with my family are even different.  With my parents, we have spoken a lot more.  I've been more honest about my life and feelings that I've ever been with them.  The past couple of weeks we've talked less but I think that's because they are realizing that I am okay; I'm over a month into this new life and I've been steadily making headway.

The people I keep the closest and appreciate the most understand that I am going to have my times of feeling overwhelmed.  I don't think it matters if the separation from a partner is mutual or one-sided; it's still a lot of work to sort through the emotional and physical baggage.  I'm going to have my moments of planning all these social events and then cancelling all of them because manic phases only last for so long until one is simply worn out.  In all honestly, the past couple of weeks I've been on the go so much and I haven't been sleeping well. My fever blister on my lip is back and that's always been my sign to slow down, sleep more, stress less, and do exactly whatever it is I want to do at that time.

Now is the time for me to indulge in my hobbies.  Now is the time where I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why I do or don't want to do something. Now is the time where I shouldn't have to be accountable to anyone but myself.  To remember that no, I'm not the same girl who was married in 2014, I'm actually a better version.

More Thoughts on Breaking Cycles...

Quick note before I get into the nitty-gritty...I AM SO EXCITED!  I got myself a LG desktop computer today and OH EM GEE - it is the cutest thing!  I feel so adult.  Much adult.  So wow.

Okay, moving on to the serious stuffs.

A few posts ago, I talked about two cycles I grew up with and how I conquered one of them, but the other is a work in progress.

What I didn't truly realize was that while I admitted those challenges, another one was hiding right under my nose the entire time.  Another cycle that I didn't grow up with, but one that developed about 5 years ago.

It's so true what the pastor of my church said yesterday - let me share it with you, in likely NOT his exact words:

several small wise decisions x multiple days = an amazing life

and

several small unwise decisions x multiple days = a miserable life

That really hit home for me because I was still engaging in a certain behavioral habit that I had kicked about a month before my husband and I split.  But it came back up when I moved into my own place. So, I was moving forward in many ways except for one.

I think of how my life got to this point and man, isn't hindsight a huge joke.  I can clearly remember each and every small, unwise decision I made that lead me to where I'm sitting right now.  I made excuses, I allowed the behaviors and habits of another disturb my rhythm.  I rationalized it.  I validated it. I profited from it.

Sure, my life is pretty amazing in so many ways, but I had also felt ashamed, too.  I wasn't who my parents raised me to be.  I didn't feel I was living honestly.  I felt like I had a double life and once I started admitting to people how things rolled into one giant snowball that broke apart into pieces...I actually felt free.  And I started with my parents; probably the hardest people to admit my poor decisions to.

The most reassuring thing to really know is that it's never too late to stop the nonsense.  So, I made the decision, again, to, and this time it's going to stick.  The poor decisions I made are no longer a part of who I am; I left them behind in 2016 along with other things that weren't working.

And it seems like for so many, 2016 was a rough year that left people ragged and tired.  Don't blame the year.  Don't really blame anything - just own your actions and decisions and #DoBetter.

Mean what you say ~ say what you mean

In today's episode of "what's Stacey thinking about?", I bring to you more observations about uncomfortable topics.

There are a lot of throwaway words out there these days.  What I mean by that is while there is a push for practicing kindness and understanding (despite the equal pull of negativity and hate-speech from the small-minded), some words are just...empty.  That's probably an unintended consequence of people's attempt to keep their language only positive and uplifting - the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality.  I mean, at least the words being said ARE kind but if there isn't anything genuine behind them, does it really count?

Peeps be tossin' compliments around like candy at a parade - randomly, in spurts, but the person throwing the candy doesn't really see or focus on the recipient.  They toss and move on, because the parade isn't over yet.

I...really struggle with this.  As someone who compliments and praises when it's genuinely deserved (not expected, not forced, no bullshit), I can tell the difference between a real, kind remark and one that's a knee-jerk reaction or an attempt to placate me.  And it drives me absolutely bonkers to know the difference yet say nothing but "thank you" to a phony compliment.

Another thing I see often that drives me nuts are the people who constantly feel they need to "one-up" someone else in a conversation.  Someone's bad day is purely relative to that person based on their life experiences.  It isn't a contest to see who has it worse.

Someone admitting that they are tired or run down from the stress of life isn't an invitation to compare miseries.  It's one thing to reach a hand out and be understanding - showing the person that they aren't alone -  it's another to effectively invalidate that person's experience because they don't know what "real" suffering is, real tiredness is, what a really bad life actually is.  Everyone and anyone is entitled to really feel their day didn't go as planned if they started it off by spilling coffee on themselves or stepping in dog shit.  Maybe that's all they can take that day.  Whatever. Let them feel it and get over it.

If you are a person that does these things, stop it.  Stop it right now.  It's super frustrating and someone shouldn't have to bring it to your attention directly.  It's awkward, it's embarrassing (for you), and it's unnecessarily confrontational...but it's never too late to be a whole new person.  I was told years ago that it's never too late to reinvent yourself.  It took me years to be brave enough to do it but damn, was it ever worth it.

Breaking the Cycles

Today was my first day back at church in a while and the message was all about breaking the cycles that chain us (and the generations coming after us).

I still do not plan on having children, but I could very well still be an influence in the lives of a child or two, so I still think evaluating the cycles that I spin around in is still valuable.

There are some cycles I know I have broken out of, without even consciously doing so.  One of them is...

Bad eating habits - growing up, I had a steady diet of fast food and chain restaurants.  Burger King, McDonalds, Friendly's, Pizza Hut...Those were haunts of ours as I grew up.  My mom worked a lot of hours managing a pharmacy (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and I can't say I blame her if that made her not have the energy to cook often.  It was about convenience eating, for the most part.  

I was born in 1983 - the generation that started growing up with Hot Pockets, microwaved popcorn and Pizza Rolls, not really considering the long-term consequences.

Now I am much more conscious of what I put into my body.  I can tell the difference between how I feel mentally and physically when I go on a bender of bad foods.  I treat my body a lot better now and have educated myself on healthier eating habits, despite not being really taught that growing up.

But, I'm still a work in progress.  There are some cycles that I am working on, and they are kinda big.

The Inability to Ask for Help.  This one's tough.  I'm not really sure where the independent streak is from but if I look at my family life, my parents are very private individuals.  I'm sure if they struggled with things, they didn't reach out to their friends, neighbors or family members to talk about it or get help.  I'm not saying that they DIDN'T ever do these things - but I never really saw that.  But, as a child, would I have even noticed?

I have had to learn that crying isn't a weakness, although it still feels that way at times.  When I went to a church member after the service today that waits near the stage for prayer requests, I cried immediately, before I really could even get my request out.   This woman probably thought I was a out-of-control, hot mess.  And I immediately felt embarrassed and had to tell myself to get over it.  We aren't meant to handle our emotions alone; we are meant to have a community of people who can help us through it.  And this woman, her name is Missy, by the way, likely doesn't think I'm a mess at all.  She knows nothing about me besides what I was able to squeak out.  I'd like to think that people don't judge based on a few words or a few tears.  There's so much more than the eye can see.

So, that's another reason why I blog, even if the topics may get uncomfortable.  I have to really force myself to open up because I know there have to be others who can relate to my words.  Maybe you've been through it.  Maybe you are going through it now.  Whatever it is, I am just trying to connect.  Unify.  Support.

The Apparent Coldness.  This has been a trend through much of my adult life.  I know I have a stillness about me; a coldness that others can feel at times.  This one is tough because I have in the past let my emotions sweep me away from reality and if I've learned anything about life it's that it goes on, even if we don't want it to.

So even when life is tough, I try not to focus on the emotions of it.  I focus on the game plan.  What's going to happen next?  What can I do to mitigate whatever damage that may happen?

I think a lot of that comes with working as a paralegal for 12 years.  I dealt with people's problems day in and day out.  They got to feel the emotions of it while I took care of the paperwork.  So, over the years, I've become a "paperwork" person.  I can rather easily find the path that things need to go on, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.  

My mom can be very stoic and I am very much like her.  It's not that we don't have feelings - we do.  Our feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's.  When we see someone else hurt, we hurt, too.  But we know that things still have to keep going, no matter what those feelings are.  

I'm not really sure how to overcome this one, but I am much more open to admitting it, so that's a start, I think.  

My husband has told me numerous times that I'm cold and I had to explain this very thing to him.

I've had a couple of ex-boyfriends tell me similar things before.

I've had a former staff member tell me this, too.  

So I can't sit here and deny that this must be the temperament I radiate, this cold, stand-offishness.  I believe if more than a couple people have expressed an opinion of you, that must be the truth of what you're putting out into the world - even if it's not on purpose.  

Not to mention, let's face it - opening up to others is a scary thing!  I've been hurt so many times by friends, family, and relationships over the years that it's tough to not carry that scar tissue around some.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving out ammunition that can be used to hurt me later on.  This way of thinking is dangerous and damaging - I can't control the actions of others.  I can't control if they talk smack about me behind my back.  That's on them; not me.  I can only control me and I don't want another single person to tell me that I am cold-hearted because that truly isn't the person that I am.

But now I'm curious - what are some cycles that you see from your upbringing that you are now repeating?  What are you working on to change?