I Dare.

I'm going to do something super uncomfortable.

I'm going to admit something that a lot of people don't really admit when it's happening...but my husband and I are separating.   

I almost feel like I shouldn't be announcing it to the world - because it's not really the world's business.  But the whole purpose of this blog is to share, to connect, to talk about the things that are going on.  Not to just pretend life is all hunky-dory 24/7.  

Okay, life is generally hunky-dory.  But that includes the ugly, hurtful things.  Life can be amazing and still have the rough stuff.

And rough stuff it is.  

The "put your game face on and deal with it" aspect is rough.  There are things that still have to be done, no matter how I'm feeling.  Buying a car, securing an apartment, dealing with questions about why I'm the one leaving the house, buying new things for said apartment because no, I'm not the type to leave someone with nothing (that's not nice), packing, CHRISTMAS, a full time job, furbabies...

While yeah, some moments I want to just lay on the floor and sob (and I have, it is what it is), life must go on.  And it can either go on positively or I can dwell on all the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and drown in them eventually.

I have my good moments and bad moments.  And those happen within moments.  

Today was rough.  I was (and still sort of am) unsure about a departure date from my home.  It's frustrating to not have a closure with that, but it's getting sorted.  But, I put on press-on nails today and felt better.  I made myself a giant bowl of popcorn for dinner and I felt better.  I looked at a different, but super amazing apartment and felt better.  I have the love and support of my family and friends (and that includes all my peeps at my job), and I felt better.  

But I went through our wedding cards and was upset.  Hugged a teddy bear I got on Valentine's Day and was upset.  Watched him walk out of our house, headed to a hotel for the night, was upset.  Thought about never seeing Berkley and Dave again, got upset.  Because this is all relatively amicable doesn't mean we are ever going to be friends.  But I keep saying to myself - a lot of suffering is caused by holding on...let go.  God has it in control.  And I truly believe He does.

And I'm alive.  I'm unapologetically alive.  I'm going through a rough time and I'm not going to be sorry for it or sorry for myself.  I am grieving but I know life is going to be happy for us both.  I'm going to be kind to myself about the process of it all.  When I'm sad, I will be sad.  When I'm joyous, I will dance.  When I am tired, I will do my best and nap!  Because holy cow.  The wide array of emotions that has been passing through this house the past few weeks has us both exhausted and looking forward to this change, despite how large of one it is.  Both of us need space and time to heal, sleep, and move on.

Sunday Pancakes

I have the morning to myself so...it's definitely Rusted Root radio time.  Do you ever just find a station on Pandora and play it right out?  This station is all want to listen to...all. The. Time.

So, there's that.

And there's pancakes because it's SUNDAY!  It's been a long time since I've made myself pancakes.  There's just something about a Sunday morning where I feel like I can slow down and make myself (and my husband, if he's home) a more "elaborate" breakfast that I wouldn't normally take the time during the weekdays to make.

Which is just dumb.  Because this protein pancake recipe I'm going to share is super easy and fast - there's NO reason why anyone couldn't be doing this during the week.

(The batter can even be made in advance and used throughout the week.)

Here is what you need:

 4 ingredients!  (Note:  This recipe serves ONE)

•  3 egg whites
• 1/2 cup cottage cheese (I use fat-free)
• 1/2 rolled oats/steel cut oats (your choice)
• 1 tsp protein powder of your choice (and this is optional)

 Okay, cool.  So what now?

If you mess up and get some egg yolk in there like I did, no worries!  It's still going to be delicious. 

Put it in your food processor and blend, blend, blend until it resembles a batter. 

While this is going on, I put my frying pan on my stove on medium heat with about a tbsp. unrefined coconut oil.  When the oil is heated through, I put some of the batter on and flip once one side is very bubbly.

Now, before you put the batter in the pan, you can choose from one big pancake or a few mini ones.  I chose 2 small pancakes just because I thought it'd look better in a photo.  :) 

And it did. 

These are super filling and awesome.  The smidgen of vanilla protein powder I used gives that hint of vanilla and the real maple syrup is just a nice treat.  Don't be stingy here - when you want pancakes, use REAL syrup, not the Aunt Jemima nonsense.  Plus, by using real syrup you may find you use less because it has so much more flavor; a little goes a long way!

This recipe can be customized in so many ways, too - you can add fresh fruit, you can add chocolate chips.  You can add them into the batter on the stove or you can blend them in with the batter.  Feel free to make it yours!

So, for the rest of this Sunday I am going to meal prep, craft, listen to Pandora, watch Netflix and simply ignore my phone.  Everyone needs to disconnect now and then from the internet and the outside world.  Everyone should take a break from the noise.

Crafting...Teaching Me Life Lessons

A very happy backyard

It's Wednesday and while most of the people I know are at work today...I have an unexpected day off and I'm enjoying this very moment that I'm in.

I have a warm pug in my lap, a cooling cup of coffee in front of me and a brain full of ideas for projects I'd like to work on today. 

Pandora is playing in the background because I take full advantage of listening to the stations I want to when I am by myself!  My husband and I share very different taste in music.

This week I tackled a new craft - watercolored mugs!  I took plain white mugs and followed a very simple Pinterest tutorial.

Baked (to seal in the color) and washed!

They're unique.  They're fun.  They're artsy...all things that I love!  But I'm not entirely happy because although everything indicates that they are safe to use for food purposes I can't help but feel weird that it's baked on nail polish.  I'd rather not take a risk that someone could be putting poison in their bodies. 

With that being said, I am going to have another go at this project but I will just be adding color on to the bottom of the mugs and spoons...where mouths will not be touching.

But, what's to be done with the mugs in the picture, if they aren't going to be used actually as drinking mugs?  I'm considering peppermint-scented candles to keep them a festive holiday gift! I think they will be perfect for a yankee-swap gift exchange I have coming up.

One of the things that I love about crafting is that there are no real mistakes.  What could be seen as a blooper can be easily made into something else quite useful; there's a lot of fun in the learning of new things!  It's a great exercise in not focusing on the disappointment of something not turning out as planned, but simply going with the flow.

Living with Intention - Snowy, Dreamy Thoughts

Hot coffee - snowy morning

If you read my last blog post, you can imagine that my week wasn't the easiest one.  As the week wore on, it improved drastically.  I am so grateful for that!  So, on this snowy Monday morning I'm just enjoying the peaceful, loving feeling that is around our home.  

I'm one of the 5 New Yorkers who enjoy the snow.  I didn't always; I had a goal for myself when I was younger to be living in Aruba by age 25.  When that didn't happen, it was Florida by 30.  Basically - wherever it wasn't ever cold was where I wanted to be.  But there's a sense of calm in the cold weather.  A feeling of it's okay to sit back, sip on something warm, and just be present in the moment.

I love these moments. It's the perfect time to enjoy the slowness of this snowy, sleepy morning, savor my cup of coffee, and just think about what I want out of my life.  What I want for my future.

Keeping a schedule packed to the gills doesn't necessarily allow me to achieve what I'm looking to do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning in circles and have to put my hand down on something solid to steady me again.  I think that's just how most of us live nowadays; it's become acceptable to be accountable for every second of our days.

 I would like a life with no debt, more freedom to travel, more room for creativity.  But that's not specific enough; in order to create what I dream of, I have to steep in the details of it.  

I don't know if I can even get specific enough yet for this post, but I'm going to try.  Even if it ends up being a running list that can be connected together at a later date.

I'm going to close my eyes...and here...we...go!

• I see woods around me; more than what I have currently around my home.  I see snow; I feel the warmth of a wood stove; I smell the smoke and ash. 
• I feel the closeness of a cabin; it's cozy.  It's simple.  It's uncluttered.
• Of course, dogs.  My home wouldn't be complete with out our 4-legged babies.
• Quiet, except for the faint noise of music.
• I create.  With my hands ~ I create things for people.  I educate, I guide, I encourage, I coach.
• My husband - the amazing carpenter he is - has a wood shop that he's in, creating.  Fixing.  Re-purposing. Giving new life to something.  He's happy, fulfilled, content. 
• We aren't rushed. There is no where either of us have to be at any given point of time.  We can simply be and accomplish what we can in our own time.

That's all I have so far.  Looking at my list, it's clear to me that I envision a life that's a bit more simple than the one we're living now. That's what I truly want ~ and that's what I am going to create.

 

You may be asking yourself what is so complicated about right now.  "Right now" isn't bad - but I feel sometimes bogged down by schedules and to-do lists that the projects that I have waiting for me to work on that would really make my heart sing end up on a waiting list.  Perhaps you can relate to this, but I can't help this nagging feeling in my gut that while that may be the way others accept their lives to be, it isn't what I want to accept. 

I am almost finished reading this amazing book called "YOU are a BADASS - How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life" (by Jen Sincero) and it's been truly inspiring. Whenever I've expressed over the years to say, work part time and live full time, I've been laughed at by my friends and family.  But what's wrong with having a goal?  Jen Sincero writes that if you want a certain lifestyle, you have to begin living like you already live that lifestyle. And so it shall be.

"Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Roots"

I've had one of the toughest weeks ever.  In cruising through my Facebook feed, begging for a distraction, I've seen that others have, too.  Maybe it's just the week.  Maybe it's the holiday season and the winter blues that can go along with it. 

Either way, this week was just tough.  But I know that the challenges that this week brought to my family are things that need to weathered in order for the peace and happiness that will come afterwards. I have to believe that.

This is the first week of my husband's sobriety.  

I am beyond proud of him for taking his depression and dependency issues and facing them and saying, "No more." 

But the beauty of it does come with ugly parts.  The shivers, the mood swings, the angry and hurtful words, the blaming...the overall struggle.  It's really tough to watch someone that you love go through this.  We're just in the beginning part of all of this together but yesterday I found myself wondering if I have what it takes to help him through this, as he had expressed to me that he felt I'm a large part of the problem. 

It's tough to decipher who's talking - my husband or the illness. But one of my husband's amazing qualities is that he is very good at apologizing when he is wrong, and he is able to do so nearly immediately after the fact.  I don't feel like many people are able to really do this and it was something I noticed about him right away, early on in our relationship.  It's admirable; it's selfless.  A simple apology can mean so much and I've never really understood why those two little words are hard to say. 

Of course, an apology that happens afterwards doesn't make the angry words much easier to hear.

 

  

On our wedding day, we chose traditional vows.  Those vows included the phrase, "I plight thee my trough."  It means that we both pledged our faithfulness, loyalty and truthfulness.  We didn't reserve those things just for the happy times, but also for the hard times.  This is what I have to hold on to during the gritty times of this process.  

This was a tough blog to write.  I'm sure I will get some flack for exposing a personal situation for all to see but I really felt compelled to let it out.  I would rather open doors for communication and support from all directions than keep it to myself.  

If someone reading this is going through a similar situation and it offers a bit of encouragement ~ then I feel it's the right thing to have done.  We aren't every truly alone in our sufferings, are we?  And suffering shouldn't be anything to be ashamed of. 

Start Each Day with a Grateful Heart!

I dislike the days where I wake up and am cranky for no reason whatsoever.

(No, I'm not having a day like this today ~ but I did have a couple of them recently.)

On days like this, I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I gripe; I sulk; I'm resentful.  I am exactly the kind of person I avoid like the plague.  And then the guilt piles on...because I'm so darned blessed in so many ways - how DARE I feel otherwise?  How DARE I not be overflowing with gratitude at every single second of every single day?

Because I am human.  That's why. 

Let's face it...life can be super challenging!  It can get anyone down at times. It can feel like defeat before my feet have even hit the bedroom carpet.

Pep talk time! Because ain't nobody got time for pity parties.

...even if you have to force it, initially.  Check off all the good things in your life; surround yourself with good people and watch the day get better!

My life is amazing and wonderful.  It's full of amazing and wonderful people - including me.  I may not be everyone's cup of tea but that's why tea comes in so many flavors - so we can find the ones we like and enjoy them. :)

I live a very full and busy life doing exactly what I love. That's not even just my career, but in my personal life, too.

I choose what to fill my life with.

I choose the people I want around me and I choose who to give my energy to.  I choose "my tribe."

I choose to focus on the good in people.  

I choose to pass on the things and behaviors of others that don't enrich me.   

I choose to try and be a good example.

And then there's the reassurance that I'm okay.  You're okay.  We're all okay.  Chill.

Even on the days where I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything, I'm still a person of value.  I'm still loved, needed, and noticed.  And you are, too.  Knowing these things on those stressed out, no-win kind of days is so encouraging!

Part of being "unapologetically alive" is not being sorry about who you are and what you bring to the table.  It's about being secure in your spirit and being okay with those who aren't on the same wavelength.  It's about owning your mistakes and not letting them stop you - instead, learning from them.  It's about taking that bad day and forcing it to be a better one, even if the success is small.  It's about choosing to seek gratefulness through the storm. 

Why is homemade ranch dressing so inspiring?

About a month ago, I was in a huge cooking slump.  I was so tired of the same old, same old...I had zero mental energy to really search for new recipes; I didn't even know where to start.  

Then my birthday came and I received two beautiful cookbooks from a friend.  Very little energy is used to flip through pages and I simply soaked up different ideas and inspiration.  Not only that, I learned how to cook delicious vegetarian and vegan meals!  This is completely out of my element!  But it's just what I needed to find my love of cooking once again.

What I find super fascinating about these lifestyles is that, while it does take extra time to prepare, the dishes are just bursting with flavor.  There are many different ingredients to each recipe I've replicated which, at times, feels a bit tedious.  But...each ingredient is a vital piece to the flavor puzzle and when I sit down to eat, it's so worth it.

What I love:

• I feel inspired again!

• My food-related Pinterest boards are filling up!

• I'm saving quite a bit of money with cutting out much of my meat eating!

• I feel fabulous!

• AND - I'm noticing a lot less food waste.  This is super important to me.

What is challenging:

• It is a lot of work!  It's not as easy to whip up a vegetarian/vegan meal as it is for me to whip up a goulash.  That's just because I'm not as used to it, so this will fade with time.

• My husband's a bit resistant because it's out of his comfort zone.  But I feel it is impolite to complain when dinner is being made for you, so whoever is cooking is the one in charge in my house!  (And the cook doesn't take care of the dishes, either.)

• Planning!  I don't like to waste, so it does take extra creativity and some research to use leftover unfamiliar ingredients and turn them into other usable things!  Thank goodness for Pinterest, because that lead me to the Silken Tofu Ranch Dressing I created the other day with leftover tofu in my fridge.  

One of the easiest things EVER to make! You just put all the ingredients in your blender and BOOM!

Delicious dressing ~ pleasing to the eyes and the belly :)

So, if you're in a rut - get a cookbook that's completely out of your comfort zone and give it a shot.  Whether you ask your friends to recommend one for you, you head to your local library, you start following the boards of people who eat very differently from you on Pinterest - shaking up your eating routines can really be eye-opening and a LOT of fun!  I know I find such enjoyment and fulfillment tinkering around in my kitchen lately.

It's like my love of crafts leaked into the kitchen and I ain't even mad about it! :)

The Freedom to Say...No.

The holidays are coming up and I think everyone's feeling the crunch!

Holiday parties with family, friends, co-workers, shopping for - or in my case, creating - Christmas gifts for my friends and family.  The days feel shorter and more jam-packed and when I lay down at the end of the day, I'm asleep pretty much as soon as my head hits the pillow.

This time of year is magical.

And what's also magical is that I have the ability to say yes AND no to things.

So this weekend, I said no to a lot.  I said no to two fitness classes I had planned on attending because my body clearly needed a rest.  I said no to going out Saturday night, mostly because of finances but also because I simply didn't want to be at a bar.  I said no to leaving my house Sunday. 

I said YES to spending a lot of time in my kitchen cooking delicious foods. 

Wild Rice and Broccoli Salad with Edamame and Baked Sweet Potatoes with Chickpeas

(Check out that soul food - without sacrificing any souls!)

I said YES to completing two Christmas present projects.

A stuffed stegosaurus for my great niece and/or nephew.

I said YES to silly movies on Netflix while crafting. I said YES to household chores and Dave Matthews Band radio on Pandora.  I said YES to enjoying the snow as it fell yesterday morning.  I said YES to spending a couple of hours at the Christmas Tree Shoppe.  I said YES to a homemade tofu fudgesickle. 

Basically, I said YES to the things I needed to nurture my spirit! And I think around the holiday time, it's easy to forget that we have the ability to do that.

We can pick and choose where we spend our energy.  If we have nothing left to give, it's so important to really scale back and take the time we need for ourselves.  This is exactly what I did this weekend.

"There's no such thing as being too busy. If you really want something, you will make the time for it."

It was simply time!

I used to be a very active blogger and, well...other things in life got in the way, I became distracted and a blog was viewed as just ONE. MORE. THING to manage.

Life has settled and I'm ready now.  I've been missing it pretty hardcore the past couple of weeks; writing has always felt like home to me. 

So, here I sit on a snowy Monday morning with a dog in my lap, rockin' my bedhead...unapologetically alive. 

Ever since an old friend shouted that at me, drunkenly in a bar, it has stuck with me.  I'm unapologetically alive -  I do what I love, I face challenges and conquer them (even if I don't necessarily succeed), I know what I stand for, I know my worth.

I can only hope that you enjoy my newest foray into blogging ~ that it can inspire you, motivate you, but most of all ~ simply make you feel good about YOU :)