I still do not plan on having children, but I could very well still be an influence in the lives of a child or two, so I still think evaluating the cycles that I spin around in is still valuable.
There are some cycles I know I have broken out of, without even consciously doing so. One of them is...
Bad eating habits - growing up, I had a steady diet of fast food and chain restaurants. Burger King, McDonalds, Friendly's, Pizza Hut...Those were haunts of ours as I grew up. My mom worked a lot of hours managing a pharmacy (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and I can't say I blame her if that made her not have the energy to cook often. It was about convenience eating, for the most part.
I was born in 1983 - the generation that started growing up with Hot Pockets, microwaved popcorn and Pizza Rolls, not really considering the long-term consequences.
Now I am much more conscious of what I put into my body. I can tell the difference between how I feel mentally and physically when I go on a bender of bad foods. I treat my body a lot better now and have educated myself on healthier eating habits, despite not being really taught that growing up.
But, I'm still a work in progress. There are some cycles that I am working on, and they are kinda big.
The Inability to Ask for Help. This one's tough. I'm not really sure where the independent streak is from but if I look at my family life, my parents are very private individuals. I'm sure if they struggled with things, they didn't reach out to their friends, neighbors or family members to talk about it or get help. I'm not saying that they DIDN'T ever do these things - but I never really saw that. But, as a child, would I have even noticed?
I have had to learn that crying isn't a weakness, although it still feels that way at times. When I went to a church member after the service today that waits near the stage for prayer requests, I cried immediately, before I really could even get my request out. This woman probably thought I was a out-of-control, hot mess. And I immediately felt embarrassed and had to tell myself to get over it. We aren't meant to handle our emotions alone; we are meant to have a community of people who can help us through it. And this woman, her name is Missy, by the way, likely doesn't think I'm a mess at all. She knows nothing about me besides what I was able to squeak out. I'd like to think that people don't judge based on a few words or a few tears. There's so much more than the eye can see.
So, that's another reason why I blog, even if the topics may get uncomfortable. I have to really force myself to open up because I know there have to be others who can relate to my words. Maybe you've been through it. Maybe you are going through it now. Whatever it is, I am just trying to connect. Unify. Support.
The Apparent Coldness. This has been a trend through much of my adult life. I know I have a stillness about me; a coldness that others can feel at times. This one is tough because I have in the past let my emotions sweep me away from reality and if I've learned anything about life it's that it goes on, even if we don't want it to.
So even when life is tough, I try not to focus on the emotions of it. I focus on the game plan. What's going to happen next? What can I do to mitigate whatever damage that may happen?
I think a lot of that comes with working as a paralegal for 12 years. I dealt with people's problems day in and day out. They got to feel the emotions of it while I took care of the paperwork. So, over the years, I've become a "paperwork" person. I can rather easily find the path that things need to go on, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.
My mom can be very stoic and I am very much like her. It's not that we don't have feelings - we do. Our feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's. When we see someone else hurt, we hurt, too. But we know that things still have to keep going, no matter what those feelings are.
I'm not really sure how to overcome this one, but I am much more open to admitting it, so that's a start, I think.
My husband has told me numerous times that I'm cold and I had to explain this very thing to him.
I've had a couple of ex-boyfriends tell me similar things before.
I've had a former staff member tell me this, too.
So I can't sit here and deny that this must be the temperament I radiate, this cold, stand-offishness. I believe if more than a couple people have expressed an opinion of you, that must be the truth of what you're putting out into the world - even if it's not on purpose.
Not to mention, let's face it - opening up to others is a scary thing! I've been hurt so many times by friends, family, and relationships over the years that it's tough to not carry that scar tissue around some. Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving out ammunition that can be used to hurt me later on. This way of thinking is dangerous and damaging - I can't control the actions of others. I can't control if they talk smack about me behind my back. That's on them; not me. I can only control me and I don't want another single person to tell me that I am cold-hearted because that truly isn't the person that I am.
But now I'm curious - what are some cycles that you see from your upbringing that you are now repeating? What are you working on to change?
