Making Moves!

If we've met, you probably have gathered that I don't let dust settle too often.

As I begin a new/old life adventure career-wise, I'm also planning another adventure...an Etsy shop!  Because crafts.  All the crafts. All the time. 

I had an Etsy shop years ago that was not successful at all. But now I'm older, wiser (maybe? lol), and am about to have a lot more free time to plan and create. I also have help in all of these things, which I didn't have before.

This isn't going to be an immediate thing; I've got to work hard to improve my talents and create an inventory. The first time around was half-assed; this time around will be professional. It is my goal to someday just have a business where I produce items and food stuffs for people that make people feel good.  That's where I see myself in the future.

Creating challenges me. I love learning how to make new things; it keeps my brain moving. When I make something that's useful and unique and someone buys it and loves it...the feeling is like no other. I feel proud and fulfilled.

And that's how I want to live my life. Doing what I want to do, living authentically, and creating naturally.  I want to continue to live my life in such a way that I can sleep easily at night. 

So, right now I am working hard on creating more boxing glove/shoe deodorizers in fun, new patterns because of their practicality and popularity, but I will be upping my natural soap making, candle making, and over-all skin product game. I also want to work on hand-knitting, metal hammering, and overall upcycling products into something fresh and useful.  Quilting will be in the works for my partner but I have zero interest in that, personally, at this time.  I'd also like to learn how to basket weave!  #AllTheThings

Oh boy, I have my work cut out for me.

Moving on.

Around the time I moved into my own place, I had passed by an article online about how getting a divorce can alter all the relationships around you - some friendships will disappear, others will grow stronger; overall, things just change.  

I didn't let that worry me too much.  Life is going to unfold as it would and often the cause of suffering is holding on to things for too long that aren't meant to be held on to.  This was something I read in a book years ago that stuck with me.  Stop holding on, let go.  The emotions, the turmoil, the hurt - all of that is just temporary.

I've been in my own place over a month now and I can sense the shift.  There are some people who were in my inner circle who haven't checked in with me at all.  It's like divorce is a disease that they can catch if they associate with me.  

On the flip side, there are some people who were on the fringes of my life who surprised me, who came out of the woodwork and are now an integral part of my life.  People I can't imagine not being around, people I lean on and grown to absolutely love in a very short amount of time.

The relationships with my family are even different.  With my parents, we have spoken a lot more.  I've been more honest about my life and feelings that I've ever been with them.  The past couple of weeks we've talked less but I think that's because they are realizing that I am okay; I'm over a month into this new life and I've been steadily making headway.

The people I keep the closest and appreciate the most understand that I am going to have my times of feeling overwhelmed.  I don't think it matters if the separation from a partner is mutual or one-sided; it's still a lot of work to sort through the emotional and physical baggage.  I'm going to have my moments of planning all these social events and then cancelling all of them because manic phases only last for so long until one is simply worn out.  In all honestly, the past couple of weeks I've been on the go so much and I haven't been sleeping well. My fever blister on my lip is back and that's always been my sign to slow down, sleep more, stress less, and do exactly whatever it is I want to do at that time.

Now is the time for me to indulge in my hobbies.  Now is the time where I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why I do or don't want to do something. Now is the time where I shouldn't have to be accountable to anyone but myself.  To remember that no, I'm not the same girl who was married in 2014, I'm actually a better version.

More Thoughts on Breaking Cycles...

Quick note before I get into the nitty-gritty...I AM SO EXCITED!  I got myself a LG desktop computer today and OH EM GEE - it is the cutest thing!  I feel so adult.  Much adult.  So wow.

Okay, moving on to the serious stuffs.

A few posts ago, I talked about two cycles I grew up with and how I conquered one of them, but the other is a work in progress.

What I didn't truly realize was that while I admitted those challenges, another one was hiding right under my nose the entire time.  Another cycle that I didn't grow up with, but one that developed about 5 years ago.

It's so true what the pastor of my church said yesterday - let me share it with you, in likely NOT his exact words:

several small wise decisions x multiple days = an amazing life

and

several small unwise decisions x multiple days = a miserable life

That really hit home for me because I was still engaging in a certain behavioral habit that I had kicked about a month before my husband and I split.  But it came back up when I moved into my own place. So, I was moving forward in many ways except for one.

I think of how my life got to this point and man, isn't hindsight a huge joke.  I can clearly remember each and every small, unwise decision I made that lead me to where I'm sitting right now.  I made excuses, I allowed the behaviors and habits of another disturb my rhythm.  I rationalized it.  I validated it. I profited from it.

Sure, my life is pretty amazing in so many ways, but I had also felt ashamed, too.  I wasn't who my parents raised me to be.  I didn't feel I was living honestly.  I felt like I had a double life and once I started admitting to people how things rolled into one giant snowball that broke apart into pieces...I actually felt free.  And I started with my parents; probably the hardest people to admit my poor decisions to.

The most reassuring thing to really know is that it's never too late to stop the nonsense.  So, I made the decision, again, to, and this time it's going to stick.  The poor decisions I made are no longer a part of who I am; I left them behind in 2016 along with other things that weren't working.

And it seems like for so many, 2016 was a rough year that left people ragged and tired.  Don't blame the year.  Don't really blame anything - just own your actions and decisions and #DoBetter.

Breaking the Cycles

Today was my first day back at church in a while and the message was all about breaking the cycles that chain us (and the generations coming after us).

I still do not plan on having children, but I could very well still be an influence in the lives of a child or two, so I still think evaluating the cycles that I spin around in is still valuable.

There are some cycles I know I have broken out of, without even consciously doing so.  One of them is...

Bad eating habits - growing up, I had a steady diet of fast food and chain restaurants.  Burger King, McDonalds, Friendly's, Pizza Hut...Those were haunts of ours as I grew up.  My mom worked a lot of hours managing a pharmacy (sometimes up to 80 hours a week) and I can't say I blame her if that made her not have the energy to cook often.  It was about convenience eating, for the most part.  

I was born in 1983 - the generation that started growing up with Hot Pockets, microwaved popcorn and Pizza Rolls, not really considering the long-term consequences.

Now I am much more conscious of what I put into my body.  I can tell the difference between how I feel mentally and physically when I go on a bender of bad foods.  I treat my body a lot better now and have educated myself on healthier eating habits, despite not being really taught that growing up.

But, I'm still a work in progress.  There are some cycles that I am working on, and they are kinda big.

The Inability to Ask for Help.  This one's tough.  I'm not really sure where the independent streak is from but if I look at my family life, my parents are very private individuals.  I'm sure if they struggled with things, they didn't reach out to their friends, neighbors or family members to talk about it or get help.  I'm not saying that they DIDN'T ever do these things - but I never really saw that.  But, as a child, would I have even noticed?

I have had to learn that crying isn't a weakness, although it still feels that way at times.  When I went to a church member after the service today that waits near the stage for prayer requests, I cried immediately, before I really could even get my request out.   This woman probably thought I was a out-of-control, hot mess.  And I immediately felt embarrassed and had to tell myself to get over it.  We aren't meant to handle our emotions alone; we are meant to have a community of people who can help us through it.  And this woman, her name is Missy, by the way, likely doesn't think I'm a mess at all.  She knows nothing about me besides what I was able to squeak out.  I'd like to think that people don't judge based on a few words or a few tears.  There's so much more than the eye can see.

So, that's another reason why I blog, even if the topics may get uncomfortable.  I have to really force myself to open up because I know there have to be others who can relate to my words.  Maybe you've been through it.  Maybe you are going through it now.  Whatever it is, I am just trying to connect.  Unify.  Support.

The Apparent Coldness.  This has been a trend through much of my adult life.  I know I have a stillness about me; a coldness that others can feel at times.  This one is tough because I have in the past let my emotions sweep me away from reality and if I've learned anything about life it's that it goes on, even if we don't want it to.

So even when life is tough, I try not to focus on the emotions of it.  I focus on the game plan.  What's going to happen next?  What can I do to mitigate whatever damage that may happen?

I think a lot of that comes with working as a paralegal for 12 years.  I dealt with people's problems day in and day out.  They got to feel the emotions of it while I took care of the paperwork.  So, over the years, I've become a "paperwork" person.  I can rather easily find the path that things need to go on, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished.  

My mom can be very stoic and I am very much like her.  It's not that we don't have feelings - we do.  Our feelings can get hurt just like anyone else's.  When we see someone else hurt, we hurt, too.  But we know that things still have to keep going, no matter what those feelings are.  

I'm not really sure how to overcome this one, but I am much more open to admitting it, so that's a start, I think.  

My husband has told me numerous times that I'm cold and I had to explain this very thing to him.

I've had a couple of ex-boyfriends tell me similar things before.

I've had a former staff member tell me this, too.  

So I can't sit here and deny that this must be the temperament I radiate, this cold, stand-offishness.  I believe if more than a couple people have expressed an opinion of you, that must be the truth of what you're putting out into the world - even if it's not on purpose.  

Not to mention, let's face it - opening up to others is a scary thing!  I've been hurt so many times by friends, family, and relationships over the years that it's tough to not carry that scar tissue around some.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving out ammunition that can be used to hurt me later on.  This way of thinking is dangerous and damaging - I can't control the actions of others.  I can't control if they talk smack about me behind my back.  That's on them; not me.  I can only control me and I don't want another single person to tell me that I am cold-hearted because that truly isn't the person that I am.

But now I'm curious - what are some cycles that you see from your upbringing that you are now repeating?  What are you working on to change?