November's Thankfulness

We tend to think more about what we are thankful and grateful for around the holiday season. That being said, I would like to share something I am thankful for, and really go into detail as to why.

I could easily just say that I am thankful for my family and leave it at that, but I'd really like to talk about why I especially am at this point in my life.

I had to "come out" to my parents this year. I chose Mother's Day not because of the significance of the day itself, but because it was eating me up inside to be in a relationship I wasn't being honest about. I basically just blurted it out and hoped for the best.

As my marriage ended, I had revealed things to my parents that I was ashamed of. Yet, they still loved me, despite being upset about decisions I made and allowing things to happen that shouldn't have. So to not be able to tell my parents that I was in a relationship with a woman was creating a lot of anxiety to me, as I didn't want to live a "secret life" any longer. I want to keep my life real and authentic.

When I told them, they did not yell. They did not cry. They did not condemn. If you know my they have very strong beliefs that are tied to the Bible and, without desiring to go into details or spark a debate, they do not condone a homosexual lifestyle. My parents are wonderful because despite their beliefs, they do what every parent should do - fiercely love their child anyway, even when they do not understand.

They welcomed my partner; they even met her children for the first time recently. They were kind. We are invited to Thanksgiving dinner with the entire family; my partner was invited, by name. I just got off the phone with my mother, who was asking me what the kids would like for Christmas. What? Is this my life right now?

I mean, if you had asked me years ago how my parents would handle the news of me being gay, I'd have told you I'd never tell them because I would be afraid of the lectures and the distance it'd cause between us. But the fact that no matter how much I feel like I may disappoint them at times with my actions or decisions with my life, they still love. They don't pretend my partner doesn't exist; they don't ignore her when she's around. They include. They love. I wish that scenario for everyone.

It's for that I am grateful.



 

A Reason to Keep Looking Forward

I turned 34 over the weekend! I enjoy birthdays; I don't fear getting older. But maybe it was something about this entire year and the fact that I am starting a new year of life without some things ...it just kind of hit me. I still experience grief over the loss of FeeBee this past February. It hits me whenever it does, without rhyme or reason.  

Then, later that weekend, I got to experience what I felt was blatant rudeness and unkindness in a social situation I could not control nor affect. It is weird for me to feel disliked before I'm even known. I mean, at least give me the chance to disappoint and upset you, first, before you pretend I don't exist. I at least deserve that. 

But you know what was a bright, shining, and very random light?

This little Batman right here. When we were sitting, having dinner as a family on Monday night, talking about how he'd have "fun" homework just like his big sister in a couple of years...he came out with this:

"Will you help me with it?" 

Yes, I will be helping you with your homework in a couple of years.  I hope to be blessed to be able to do that for as long as you are in school.

Suddenly, the list of people who are upset with me or outright dislike me, gossip about me, think of me as less than them really don't matter. I had only one social interaction at the gathering mentioned above that hurt me; everyone else was kind, pleasant, wonderful and embracing. I may struggle sometimes to find the good in myself, but I have the admiration of a 5 year old who wants me to help him do his homework in the future.

This is real life.

As of October 16th, I'm officially divorced. The Judgment was signed and filed in the County Clerk's Office, making it a legit thing.

I was waiting for this day. Basically, this was me all year:

Not because my marriage was horrible, terrible, the worst thing ever in this world ~ there are people who's lives are legit on the line when they are exiting a relationship. It was simply because I think the faster things are finalized, the faster people can move on and find their own road to take. I've always been someone who likes procedure and closure.

I wondered though how I'd feel actually seeing the paperwork in front of me. The truth is when I saw the papers, I felt two things: (1) nothing at all, which lead me to feeling a little surprised. It was as if the names on the papers were ones I did not recognize; it represented a life that was not mine or meant to be mine. (2) A flash of anger. I had a brief moment of where I remembered some hurtful things that had been said to me. It was like a ghost walked through and then left. I mean, seriously? Why carry around the negative parts of our former marriage? I'd rather remember the fun things ~ I'd rather remember the things I've learned.

This quote I found struck me because the last part applies to me. This year brought a lot of change and turmoil; I learned the hard way who my true friends are and who truly cares for me. I experienced extreme loss (I still miss FeeBee every single day). I changed careers back to what it was, pre-ilovekickboxing, and found great satisfaction and peace with it and how it gave, and still gives, me the ability to focus more on me and my life. I started a business that I find fulfilling and challenging. I found love for myself and true love in and for an amazing woman who is my absolute best friend. Today marks 7 months we have been together as a couple.

2017 is the year I stumbled a lot but I fell into my stride and the path I believe that I am meant to take.

SO SAPPY RIGHT?!  It is what it is. Life isn't perfect but I still feel very, very blessed.

So...when am I going to work out? (Another child-free to child-ed post)

I'm just going to dive right on into this one.

When I was a fitness instructor, I was very upfront about not understanding the theory behind moms not having the time to workout. It was honestly an excuse that I had a tough time coaching people through because I firmly believe that we all deserve our own time. Mother, father, aunt, uncle, successful businessperson.  Whoever you are - you deserve the best health that you can have.

Don't think I'm going to tell you ~ "THEY ARE SO RIGHT AND I WAS SO WRONG".  It's not going to be that type of blog. So, if you were excited to yell "I TOLD YOU SO!", simmah down there. Simmah down.

I will admit the adjustment to the new routine was challenging and took time for me to come up with. I haven't exactly had the least busy summer in the world.

The realization hit me about how precious time not spent at work is and how limited it really is when kiddos are in bed at 8 p.m. and you actually want to know what they did in school that day. When you want to sit down and eat dinner with them and make them laugh.  When I work until 5, that gives me 3 hours when I am spending time with them to...spend time with them! Do family stuff. Be shown a new stuffed animal; read a book.

However, I know that I am a better person when I have that time to exercise rigorously ~ I am more patient, more focused. Less irritable and more playful. My favorite time to exercise - where I feel my strongest -  is actually right after work. That's the busiest time at my gym, as well, because I am, apparently, not the only person who feels that way.  Now, if I went to the gym every day after work, I wouldn't be done until at least 6 p.m. It was also frustrating to have to wait to use equipment; sometimes I'd just leave without doing certain exercises I was really looking forward to doing because someone would be hogging the squat rack for the better of an hour.

I am also not a person to get up and work out at 6 a.m.  I value my time snuggling in bed with my loved one; I also value staying up later in the evening with her after the kidlets are asleep. So, no, I won't be waking up at 5 a.m. like some of you heroes out there do!  God bless you; you da real MVP.

So, after struggling much of the summer with a sporadic workout routine and schedule, I decided that I'd go to the gym during my lunch time, if I wasn't going to kickbox either at home or attend a class one evening. This means that I have to get to work at 8 a.m. instead of 8:30, so I can take an entire hour lunch break as opposed to our standard half hour.  But note, I can't do this every single day. Sometimes appointments are structured in a way where I can't take an entire hour without it being a strain. But there's no reason why once or twice a week it can't happen.

What I've found is this:  THERE IS HARDLY ANYONE THERE AT LUNCH TIME. Which means...I can legit get what I want to get done in 30 minutes instead of an hour. I hustle; I don't break. I super-set EVERYTHING so I can hit all the opposing muscle groups and keep the party going. I also have plenty of time to stretch, which is super important because I sit at a desk much of the work day. Then, I go back to work, clean up, get re-dressed in my office attire, eat my lunch, and go about my day as normal.

It's awesome. And I feel strong and focused for the rest of the day.

So, to end this blog...we all have 24 hours in a day to get life done. I am sacrificing my lunch hour sometimes to workout, instead of eating at my desk and surfing the web.  Why? Because it works for me. Because I deserve that time. Because I want to be my best self for me, #1, and for those I love around me. Because a family isn't an excuse to not care about myself; I care about myself for my family. I have been carving out that time for me steadily over the past couple of weeks and it has taken me from wondering if I should go back on antidepressants to feeling mentally healthy again. Now that I'm back from vacation, I'm looking forward to getting back to it.  #NoExcuses

"So...when are you going to have children?"

The question that plagues child-free women everywhere.

It was even mentioned to me while I was on vacation this past week. I was asked why I didn't have any of my own and to come back to the store sometime when I have my own children.

Since the clerk at the register seemed very interested in what was or wasn't happening in my own body, I told him that I couldn't have kids.  End of story. I just don't think that whether one has, wants, or is planning to have children in the future is an acceptable inquiry from a complete stranger.

Anyway. Let's back up a bit. So, a few things you may or may not have known about me that I'd rather make clear so it all makes sense:

• I am a bisexual woman; Yes, I am divorcing a man and have been in a relationship with a woman for the past few months.
• I have staunchly maintained a childfree mindset and lifestyle for the past 10 or so years.
• Up until recently, I was not even interested in ever being with someone that had children. Fun fact: That's how my ex-husband and I first bonded on Match.com ~ our mutual desire to be childfree.

So, imagine me now, with someone who has two young children.  (Listen, when I said 2017 was a year of big changes, I very, VERY much meant it. I'm excited to share it all with you!)

With her permission, I am going to honestly share what it's like to be me in this situation...purely for your amusement. Especially if you have children of your own. 

First of all - it's weird to think of me being in a parental role. I feel entirely too silly of a person to be in charge of little humans. I'm 33, but people I graduated high school with have teenagers by now and seem to be ROCKIN' their family life like it ain't no big deal. I still feel too young to be wrangling a 5 and 7 year old in. I don't think I will ever feel whatever age parenthood is supposed to feel like.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, we went on a family vacation together. Let's call this Baptism by Fire.

Three whole days of the beach, the water park, the boardwalk at Wildwood, NJ. I got to experience us arriving at 3 a.m. on Monday morning, snagging the overtired kids around noontime from their grandparents, and dealing with the disappointment of a rainy day. Thankfully, E and J are wonderful and we went to a used book store and we all got books! Yasssss, they like books! 

We could've stayed in there forever, but 9 books later we were headed to the nearest Dunkin Donuts in the pouring rain with kids who can't keep their hands off of each other, can't stop tattling, can't stop bitching. Holy moly - all that takes up a lot of mental space. You parents that are used to that after years of exposure - God bless you. I'm only about 4 months in and I catch myself wanting to tell them exactly what's up but they are so young. Too young to really understand how none of that squabbling and tattling matters in life. How little it matters if J held E's slinky when she wasn't playing with it. How it does not change the world in the slightest if one crosses their eyes at the other.

But the moments of running with them in the rain from the car to the inside of Dunkin to grab much needed coffee and donuts; hearing them laugh their heads off at corny jokes and bad dance moves; having E give me her Fluffy to sleep with so I won't be lonely...those moments are shockingly sweet. I used to smile, nod, and pretend I understood when people tried to explain that to me about parenthood. Now I feel that.

Here's Fluffy ~ my Guardian.

Family vacations are really about what the kids want to do. 100% of the time; except for nap time. What is it with kids and not wanting to take naps? What exactly are they worried about missing?  If you ask E or J if they're tired, even if you just caught them nodding off at the table, them little boogers will LIE to you and tell you NO, they are NOT!

What is this nonsense? If I could take a nap every day, I WOULD and I'd be damned proud to have made the time!

Nap time is what makes the evenings easier to handle when we're just as tired as the little ones. Yet, this is not something you can explain to young children; the fact that you are JUST as tired as they are and have the same tolerance level.

Because sometimes I want to do this, too:

Imagine it with sound.  A lot of sound, because I'm a lot larger than a 5 year old.

Kids just want to go.  They aren't hungry, but when they are, it's only after you've gotten yourself something delicious to eat. They whine for a hot dog, but when they get it, they want a pretzel instead. They want to snatch what their sibling is eating without asking, even though they insisted they weren't hungry. They eat 5 bites of their ice cream cone, decide it's too cold to hang on to and ask you to hang onto it instead. They hand you their garbage, despite the garbage can right next to them. They hand you their toys they wanted to play with once they're done hanging on to them. Their legs hurt after a long day of running, jumping, playing ~ they want your tired-ass to carry them.

And then when you get back to the room, they beg you to take silly photos and you end up laughing your ass off because...right before your eyes...a little human is growing up into their individual personality. A personality which is unique and beautiful and, yes, at times, super duper annoying. But lovely.  Just so lovely.

Biting the Hand that Fed You...

I have eluded to the type of year 2017 is shaping up to be numerous times. Maybe it's even sounded like a broken record, but while 2016 may have ravaged you - this year is shaping and changing me.  When it's all over with, I may have a few extra grey hairs...but guess what?  I'm going to proudly sport those bitches and strut my stuff on into 2018.

Because this year is all about cleaning house! I've been working very diligently on cleaning up my home life, my career life, my mental state.

I want to get real for a minute ~ because I am hot, hot, hot right now.  Fuming, actually...because a big - HUGE - trend this year is "biting the hand that feeds."

Let me explain.

When it comes to my divorce, my ex still has not closed on the refinance of our marital residence, which should've been completed by 6/30. I have been nothing but patient, kind - allowing him to reside there, getting whatever documentation he has needed in order to take the mortgage loan, which is solely in my name, so the house can be his. I accepted a lump sum payment to be due upon the closing.

The lump sum isn't even half of what the equity is in the home but honestly? I don't want to fight over nickles and dimes. I didn't want to be one of "those" people that I've dealt with so many times in my job.  I didn't want to fight! But, I want what's fair - my credit, my financial records - that is what got us that home. My two jobs to have a down payment. My income to support us when things were tight.

At any time, I could have assumed ownership of this house but I honestly wanted him to retain it for the purpose of the dogs we had together. They are big dogs and they don't deserve to be cramped in an apartment. Not only that, the big garage on the property is super helpful for my ex's construction business. I wanted him to have those things so he could continue on with his life.

I don't know why I care or why I have been so nice - I could've been the bitch I was painted to be. But when we began going through the first steps of our separation, I told myself I wanted to behave in a way that I could sleep well at night. I wanted to behave in a way that when I meet my Maker someday that I am not ashamed of my actions in this situation. So, I have.  But today...oh boy, today? I am fuming mad, mostly at myself for thinking that we could work together as a team to resolve things fairly. For caring about his and the dogs' needs. For being patient and waiting. For being understanding.

Biting the hand that feeds.  I swear, I should have no fingers left.

I even got this when I exited ILKB. I have not talked about this publicly. I left because my life outside needed more attention that my job. I wasn't feeling like I was in a good place mentally; I wanted to have a life and the ability to focus more on it to take care of the myriad of things that have been added to my plate. I was grieving the loss of some pretty large things in my life, all while being super excited about the possibilities in all of it.

Everything was fine when I gave my notice, and I was honest about my situation and what I needed for me.  I was not allowed to finish my shifts. I was abruptly cut off and nothing was done to even acknowledge my time there. I, who welcomed the very first people to walk through the doors when ILKB opened, was not really appreciated for a single thing.  Oh, while I worked there, I was fluffed up.  I was told that I was loved - how awesome I was, how amazing.  I won Franchise Manager of the Year in 2016.

The staff that I hand-picked, hired and believed in? Most of them ditched me completely; my assistant manager blocked me on social media, after profusely telling me she'd always be there for me, that she loved me, was super sad I was leaving...but understood I had to do it for me. The new assistant manager deleted me off of social media. I did nothing, to my knowledge, to these girls and in return, rumors were spread about me. I was accused of not training, not doing my job, stealing.  I was hounded about different records that the new management had in their possession even 4 weeks after I was into my new job. I was gossipped about, and that really hurt, especially in a time of my life where there seemed to be so much adversarity and difficulty.

These were people I spent a great deal of time with; people that I cared about. People that cried to me, that I cried to back. We knew a great deal about each other's personal lives because we were all, what I thought, friends. However ~ knowing all the things I was going through, I was judged and talked about, kicked out of the members' group and not welcomed back to even take classes.  If you were one of the many that asked me why I haven't been back to take classes, this is why! I can finally say it because who cares. Why should I care who knows about what happened anymore? I don't owe anyone anything.

I sacrificed my time, my body, my emotions...hell, my ex would even say my entire marriage (which isn't entirely true)...for that career. I got a lot out of it though. I got great leadership and marketing experience. I got to meet some fabulous, amazing people. I got to meet and fall in love with my partner. I got a clearer perspective on what I want out of my life and what mistakes to hopefully not make again in the future. For all of that, I will never regret a single second of it. But I still can be mad as heck and still nurse some hurt over all the things 2017 has brought to me so far that's negative.

So, today, I am feeling the only finger I have left from all the chewing is my middle one.

From a bad week to a great one!

"Life's funny sometimes..."

More like all the time.

Grab a snack, a drink, and sit down while I share with you parts of last week.

It started off with a filling falling out over the weekend. No big deal but it was uncomfortable and it rubbed until I could get it filled on Wednesday morning. I opted for no Novocaine, so while it wasn't unnecessarily painful, it was uncomfortable and super cold. My teeth are sensitive because apparently I brush my teeth like they've offended me in some way, despite using a soft bristled toothbrush.

At that appointment, the dentist recommended I see an oral surgeon to have them check my tongue for oral cancer. Some of you may know this but it's an anxious habit of mine to bite the taste buds off of my tongue. I don't even realize I am doing it most of the time. I did relay that to my dentist but she wants me to get checked out anyway just because while she's confident it's nothing, it's nice to just have a second look. 

Okay.

Thursday night, I had an ultrasound on my pelvis for pelvic pain. They saw that I have a cyst on my left ovary; the pain from that is what brought me in because it seems to have gotten worse over the past few months. I can even feel it during certain exercises at this point which is weird. I find that I need to be careful with lower ab exercises and when I feel the discomfort to just move slower and with more control.

Then my girlfriend's apartment complex gave her a hard time about her watching Adam during the day; apparently neighbors complained about her having two dogs. Sigh.  Adam doesn't live there - he just plays there or at my place since she doesn't work Monday through Friday and why keep him in a crate? So we were faced with that dilemma, but really, it's not a huge deal. It was a minor annoyance on top of other things.

Meanwhile, yes, my divorce is still going on. But that was a positive event of last week; finding out that my ex-husband can refinance was a huge win! I'm so happy we're moving toward a resolution and I'm just proud of him for getting himself to a point where he could refinance.

Last week it was hard to keep positive with medical issues weighing on me. I cried at my ultrasound because I wondered after such a nerve-wracking day, why I opted to go to that appointment alone. Why didn't I ask someone to come with me? Why am I determined to do most things alone?  I just wanted to catch a break.

But I knew the stress over troubles would only just last the week. It's just funny how things pile on and pile on until you just have to break down and cry.  It's amazing how I can feel so blessed in countless ways but at the same time overwhelmed and frustrated.

This week is very different. So many good things!  Our sales have picked up on Etsy. I am getting a small windfall of cash from a refund of a doctor's fee I paid a year ago. The weather's amazing - hot, but amazing. I have a fabulous relationship where I can be my crazy self, a great job, a growing business, a very cool network of people surrounding me.

This is the break I was craving last week but am getting now - I just had to keep pulling through, despite feeling like the world was taking a huge dump on me.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm sharing this - I don't know. I feel compelled to because we all struggle with different things and sometimes we do it silently. I just want to say ~ it's okay to struggle. It's okay to feel like things are just not right. But keep positive - keep moving forward, and enjoy the good things that happen along the way. Big or small.

Life...upcycled

It's a goal this summer to really just enjoy it.

Get outside!  Get a tan!  Make sure that having fun is more of a priority.

I struggle with this because I am always working toward something.  Over the past couple of weeks, USUpcycled became a real thing. A d/b/a, a sales tax certification, a display in a shop in Waterford. Goals, dreams, self-imposed deadlines. I've always had that hustle; that's what has made me a valuable employee over the past decade.

I can't help but remember how my ex-husband didn't value my ideas and questions when it came to his business. He would always tell me I didn't know, I didn't understand because I didn't have a business of my own. He didn't believe in me ~ well, this future success is for you and all the others that were dismissive and unsupportive  ~ you are a part of my motivation.

Success is in front of me - in all aspects.

And so are the moments of sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee and a kick-ass jar of overnight oats.  Seriously - take advantage of the abundance around us - rhubarb is everywhere.  Pick it and make strawberry rhubarb overnight oats.  It's amazing.

I still make the time to be a better, healthier me - with my girl who hates her picture taken. We lift, we take difficult HIIT classes, we play with our boxing gloves on Friday nights at the Y because there aren't classes going on. And we eat everything.  That's something we gotta work on but I'm finding it so fun to just enjoy life as the moments come. To be me, not have to worry about being a role model for others.

Fitness has and will always be a big part of my life and passion. Just because I no longer instruct classes now doesn't mean I gave up or that I would never go back to personal training/group training in the future.

Cheers to life in 2017 being refocused, revamped and upcycled 💜💜💜

...but really? No one does.

Raise your hand if you have looked at someone else and assumed they have their sh*t together!

I do it all the time. If you get out of a clean, shiny expensive car...

If you are well-dressed and groomed...

If you hold down a high profile, highly stressful job and can still easily smile at the person who is ringing out your groceries - I assume you have a great job and a great life. I don't assume it's perfect but I look at you and think you got it together. Go you!

And a lot of the time when I am making these decisions about what kind of life you must lead in my head, I am comparing you at what may be your best with me at my worst.  With my paycheck-to-paycheck life because I can be rather impulsive.  With my forgetfulness and lack of concept of time. With the $50 I still owe EZPass but keep neglecting to pay, despite getting a few hate letters from them and what they call a "permanent suspension."  What?  We'll see about that, EZPass.  We'll see.

Sigh.  I am comparing what you put on display to the small, silly details of my life I don't have a grasp on.  Let's face it - no one really has it all together all the time. Life has too many moving parts and I don't care how fabulous of a multi-tasker you are; you're bound to fudge it up somehow.

There's never a better time to realize this than when you're at an event with an open bar....like at a wedding! Once the alcohol is flowing, suddenly people let their guards down and you're able to - if you're reasonably sober, that is - really see what people are struggling with because they'll just come out and tell you.

You could be a complete stranger to them or know them distantly but when drinks are had, sometimes people just need to talk it out.  The facade of quintessential adulthood comes down and their inner demons come out - it makes me think that maybe people need to be more connected to each other.  There's no reason why we should hold anything inside of us and let it come roaring out when we can't seem to control our impulses anymore. It's embarrassing; I've been there. I used to be the drunk without a filter.  I used to be the person who'd wake up the next morning and wonder if I'd have any friends left because I acted out of line. It's an ugly feeling.

So this weekend I learned about a few people.  People who you'd look at and say "Man, they just have it all GOING ON!"  Newsflash:  They don't.  They are struggling with different things just as you are.  As I am.  As your cousin is.

I spoke with someone this weekend who's struggling with PTSD; you'd never know it in passing. But they did things in their military duties that haunt them.

I spoke with someone who's still mourning their divorce; trying to find the affection and validation in others that is missing from their life. Fun story - this person leaned in and tried to kiss me, knowing full well my date was there. It made me sad ~ I know what it's like to feel discarded. But that rejection must have felt strange the next morning, if they remember it at all. Been there. Done that. Hid the t-shirt.

My message is this: No one has it all together. We all have various layers of life we're wrestling with and we how we handle it is all different. So if your life is what you would consider "a mess" right now, don't bother comparing it with others. It's all a mess and it'll all be okay.

New Life.

It's been a while.

I've been, pretty much, just 3 different places:  Home, work, or the YMCA.  I've been doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it.

But yet, I've found myself worried about the convenience of others rather than the convenience to myself - almost apologetic that maybe the ideas I have may adversely impact others. The associate attorney in the firm brought this to my attention the other day when I was discussing the moving of files that I'm working on into my office - her words were:  You do what you want to do, dude. They're your files. 

It's really such a simple thing, but I suppose I was used to having to tiptoe around my ideas and present them in such a way to others so they'd be more receptive. I'm aware that I can appear brash, blunt, stubborn and, at times, obsessive. I get it in my head I want to do something and all be damned...I'm going to do it.

That won't change, but there's no need to apologize for the basic personality traits that have gotten me this far in life.

Speaking of things that I won't apologize for...I've been spending obscene amounts of time making, fixing, re-creating, re-thinking things...here's my latest project in my studio (YES, I'm going to begin referring to my craft room as my studio!):

Before:

This is what it looked like once I got it out of the frame.  Broken, sad, "nobody-wanted-me" 3D wall art from TjMaxx.  It was heavily clearanced to $12 and I knew I was up for the creative challenge.

Current (not completed):

I'm still working on the embellishments and hope to finish that part up today.  After that, a minor clean up, back it goes into a very nice glass frame and BOOM!  A sellable, very unique piece of upcycled art that soothed my soul to work on. Much better than letting it end up in the trash, wouldn't you say?

Projects like this is what really made me want to start my own Etsy shop - USUpcycled.  I wanted to take old, perhaps broken things, and turn them back into something beautiful and useful.

It goes along with my view on people. We are lead astray, we fall, we make mistakes, we royally screw things up. But we can be restored; forgiven. Every day we can can wake up and decide to be different. We can be upcycled humans, too.

Not Wasting a Pain

I literally just got home from church and felt so compelled, so inspired, after today's message that I knew had to write a blog about this.

Today's message was about...

~Our greatest ministry will come through your greatest pain.~

In essence, the hard times in our life (that are often the most gut-wrenching and embarrassing) should be used to help others who are going through similar difficult times. Because who else can help you the best besides someone who's been through the same thing you're going through?

At my previous job, because it is a brand, it was in the brand's best interest for me, and others representing the brand, to not talk about certain things. Which means if we were going through a rough time in life, it was just better to push it aside and pretend it wasn't happening. We cultivated our individual selves into a brand; it was our job to make our lives sound appealing, desirable ~ effing off-the-wall amazing all the time.

Life's really not always that way.  And I don't mean for this prelude to sound harsh toward my previous employment because, believe me, I did find comfort in keeping my troubles largely anonymous.

So, here is part of the story for my greatest pain.  Written as honestly as possible, in hopes that maybe it will help someone.

From the summer 2016 until the end of 2016, my marriage was falling apart.  The first time Trevor and I talked about divorce, it was sometime in June or July.  We just weren't connecting at all.  We had different goals, different views on just about everything. Some of his opinions made me cringe; some of the ways he spoke about and referred to people made me cringe. On my end, it was hard to truly realize that I wasn't making our relationship a priority.  This was making him feel as if he was lower on the totem pole of importance compared to other things in my life.

It was an ugly thing to realize because yes, I was just going through the motions of a good wife. I was doing all the housework (he'd disagree with this but I don't have to argue with him anymore), helping him, doing things for him to try and make his life easier.  But, I wasn't passionate about him or with him because I wasn't getting what I needed. Help. Time. I was tired, because on top of managing a successful gym, I was managing the entire household and, it felt like, the entire marriage on my own.

I then thought things were getting better. I knew where I could do better and I made the steps toward that. I took time off from work to have date nights, I was amenable to marital counseling. I made an effort to be kinder. To listen more. To be present more - physically and emotionally.

And then came November.

The worst month probably ever.  Except for February of this year, when my best friend, FeeBee, died.

November was terrible. Trevor was trying new medicine for depression and anxiety and he hated how he felt. I don't blame him but since I've been there myself twice in my life, I urged him to just keep taking it and wait it out. Wait for his body to adjust so he could really begin feeling better. Whatever help he was giving me around the house completely stopped. He got mean, picking fights with me whenever I came home from work. He'd often be sleeping when I got home - whatever time of the day it was. He'd cry a lot. One day he didn't move from the floor in front of our fireplace. One day I had to put him in the shower and lay out his clothes because he was too frazzled. I didn't see him go to work; according to him he was delayed in his part of a particular job because of issues with the materials, which often happens to contractors. So, he didn't really have any distraction from whatever he was going through mentally. He just had to sit in it. His seriousness in counseling wanned.

So that was all going on at home while I managed a studio and still tried to squeak in my own workouts. It was tough because he hated my job, blamed it for the changes in me, and didn't appear to enjoy when I left the house. Those feelings he had about everything were amplified in November.

I missed my best friend's 40th birthday. I felt guilty about attending a party for a staff member who was leaving New York to go back home to Massachusetts.  I felt trapped and while I know I had people to confide in, I felt like my life was embarrassing at this point.  Chaotic.  Dramatic.  Not a life that someone should look up to or feel inspired by.  So I wasn't completely honest about what was going on to anyone, really. No one person got the entire story while it was happening.  Despite all this, I felt very resolute in weathering the storm because marriage vows, to me, should be held sacred.

But then I just started to be really honest with myself in December. A series of small, unwise decisions lead me (us) to illegal activities that could have gotten us in big trouble. I had allowed, step by step, for certain things to happen and suddenly it was like a slap in the face: I was not who my parents raised me to be. I was not someone who I could honestly say I looked up to; I was not the role model I was portraying myself as. I had a face for work, a face for home, and a face for church.

Any more than one face is too many.

I was embarrassed by my life and he and I got on board with putting that in our past and moving forward. But he struggled with it. What we had been doing was a huge part of his life for so long and it was tough for him to move on. That probably caused him to become meaner. Because if November sucked, December wasn't any better. December was the month, after listening for what felt like the one millionth time over the past month and a half about what a piece of garbage wife I was, I was like - no more.

I'm not perfect. I know my role in the downfall of our marriage but I refuse to tolerate anyone speaking to me like I am less. Like I am solely to blame. Own your life; take responsibility for the parts of it that you could've made better but didn't.

Then his mother arrived for the Christmas holidays. He and I were on good speaking terms, still residing in the same household, knowing that I was seeking to leave before the year ended. She put him up in a hotel and the amicable relationship Trevor and I had ended. Sometime during this, my dad had called Trevor to make sure he was all right. Trevor's mother, whom I had felt close with, had nothing to say to me. I received no calls, texts, or e-mails. I did not matter. But I am proud of my family - of my dad, who loved Trevor enough to call and see if he was all right, knowing what I was going through. I am proud to have been raised by caring people.

Over the course of three days I saw an apartment, signed a lease, and moved in. There was a moment when I signed my lease that I called Trevor and cried; everything seemed so final. So abruptly cut off. But he hadn't been home in 3 days because his mother had arrived. He told me he was not concerned with how I felt because all he was focused on was getting better.

I couldn't believe that this big life change was happening to me. I felt embarrassed that I had a marriage that survived just a little over two years. It seemed sad and pathetic to me. How could I teach classes and show people what a great life looked like if mine was falling apart?

I really wanted to talk about it.

I was also waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting for the breakdown that every divorced woman I've talked to says happens. I was waiting for the roller coaster of emotions; I was waiting for the loneliness to sink in.  I did have a moment, after I unpacked everything, of - holy crap. This is my new life. And then I moved on. The depression didn't kick in. I was honestly more stressed and depressed in my marriage than I was living on my own.

I threw myself into my work.

Then, the day I was to do a bridal show for work, I got a bogus proposed Separation Agreement from him that was insulting. Helllooo legal fees and divorce squabbles that I swore I'd never be a part of. Yet, I had to turn on a smile and be excited for future brides and grooms for their wedding days. The second couple I spoke with were getting married on 9/28 - which is the day I got married. God has a big sense of humor, I tell you.

I joined a Growth Group through church that was ladies-only and the topic was about relationships and successful marriages. I was the only one in the group who was going through or had been through a divorce. Everyone else was either married or single. I felt like I stuck out - like a failure before I had even introduced myself. Gradually, as I got to know these ladies and they got to know me, I felt differently and the feelings of shame and embarrassment waned. I changed my perspective on the entire thing; I chose to take the time to learn more about how I could avoid the same mistakes I had made in the past and create a better relationship in my future.

Then, FeeBee died and this rocked my world. Burying my dog was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it made all the other difficulties seem vibrant and real. She died on a Saturday and I worked on Monday, trying to teach classes like it didn't happen.

2017 was off to an amazing start.  It was like a country song.

Meanwhile, members of the studio, staff, friends - they were all somehow proud of me for keeping my shit together during times of high stress. How I was handling it, as one said "like a boss."  I still somewhat felt judged if I had a moment of weakness. As a manager, I felt it was my duty to show everyone that I can make it through it all; that nothing could get me down. If I cried, if I stressed...I sensed that it made others uncomfortable and I wanted to be a good role model.

I didn't feel like I was keeping anything together; I felt myself unraveling, especially after FeeBee died. I didn't want to go about life the same way any longer. When asked, I insisted that I was managing everything just fine.  But honestly, my passions were changing directions and I felt a lot slipping through my fingertips. It was time for another big change.

So, I left my job and began my old career-path again. Normal work hours, minimal responsibilities...and now I am helping others through their divorces and tough times, feeling more equipped than ever to do so.  Why? Because I'm going through it, too. 

We're going into May and I am still no closer to being divorced than I was months ago. Because there is a home involved, in order for Trevor to have it, he has to refinance and I believe he's afraid to. It's in his best interest to delay. Meanwhile I just want to move on with my life in a fair way. I want to close that messy chapter of my life. I want to say goodbye to the chaos that ruled my life for nearly an entire year now.

I found myself giving a divorce client some sage advice the other day. I told him to find something else to do with his time than brood about the snowblower that he says his ex-wife stole out of the garage when he wasn't looking. Years ago, I wouldn't have said this because I wouldn't have known what to say. I couldn't have related. But that's how I made it through things - I kept busy, I kept my head down, and I did my best to just plow right through all the hard times I've gone through so far this year.

I have great faith and hope for my future.  THAT is not a lie or an exaggeration. When people have expressed to me that they're sorry I'm going through a divorce, I can honestly say I am not sorry. I truly feel that God brought me to all of these troubles so that I could better help others. But that doesn't mean it's always pretty or politically correct.

It doesn't mean that I don't get embarrassed sometimes at how messy my life may look from those viewing it from the outside, as I try and start two new businesses, work a full time job, raise a puppy, and navigate an unconventional relationship.  But Pastor Roscoe said it right tonight:  Any friends I may have lost (or may be losing even by writing this blog) aren't those I really want to keep around me anyway. Who wants a judgmental friend?

So this, my friends, is a glimpse into my real life. Some of my own "3 a.m." moments.

Oh girl, ain't nobody got time for dat...

Hi again!

It's been over a week since my last blog and holy moly - life just keeps changing and getting better!

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a routine. This morning, I woke up to the sun shining, to an amazing workout, to an amazing lunch out at a park with friends...and I felt alive.  Awake. Unhurried and unstressed.  These feelings had been missing for some time as my body got acclimated with regular work and sleep hours and a lot less physical activity. So today I feel like I finally hit a stride.

But I've been pretty busy.  Finally, we launched the Etsy shop!  So far, we have a bunch of shoe/glove deodorizers up...and we have more tricks up our sleeves!

Can I just say how freakin' pumped I am to have an Etsy shop? I LOVE to create and I can't express how amazing it feels to be doing more of that.

So, the name?  USUpcycled - it's a play on the name of this blog, in a way.  It stands for Unapologetically Stacey - Upcycled.  Because "unapologetically" is a semi-complicated word, I went with the initials instead.  And, of course "upcycled" because I love giving new life to items; giving them new use and purpose.  Not everything on the site will be from recycled materials, but it is my general goal.

The other thought behind the name is that since it's a collaborative effort between my friend and I (the "Us"), and, I can't lie - this is a big year of change for us both.  So, think of "us" as being a bit "upcycled", too. Renewed, being remade into something beautiful.

I've also been ordering things to make my office at work seem more "me". This is going on my desk tomorrow, along with new organizational paraphernalia that is hiding in the blue canvas baskets.

And I've been trying to ignore and avoid the negativity that seems to be going around! It's hard sometimes because I do take things to heart. But I have to remind myself that not everyone feels the way that I do ~ and in a hundred years, we'll all know the truth.  (Right, Dad?)  

There's a reason why I have that quote tattooed on my arm; it is a great reminder to me not to get too wrapped up in the drama because, in the end, none of it really matters.

So that's the update on my life, in a nutshell. Creating, finding my rhythm, being as present as possible and avoiding things that subtract from my life instead of add to it.

From legal work to kickboxing back to legal work...

lol

Part of my life has come full circle.  As I close on my first week at my new/old profession, I have to take some time to reflect on some things.

It was a surreal feeling, walking up the giant cement steps I remember being poured in years ago, unlocking the front door with my key, and walking in onto the blue carpet I also remember being installed. The place was quiet, but one of my co-workers who started after me over a decade ago was upstairs early, as she always had been. She came down to say hello once she heard me rustling around and greeted me with a hug. It was weird because it it felt like I hadn't left at all, but it also feels like a lifetime has gone by. The scene and the players have not changed, but I have.

As she had always done before, this co-worker helped me rearrange my work space. I'm one of those annoying people that has to change up the layout of a room semi-frequently and when I enter a new space, I have to make it mine. She knows this so she was ready to help out.

The one of my bosses came in, the wife part of the team I work for. She also greeted me with a hug; I guess the feeling I am trying to relay is one of mutual happiness, gratefulness and completeness. If you had asked me 3, 4 months ago if I saw myself back in an office - much less a law office - I would have laughed at you. But it felt like the right choice to make and my first day there really confirmed that. I was surprised at what I remembered and how easily I am falling back into the tempo of the law office life.

Not only that, I am kind of shocked at how easy my job is. I come in at the same time every day. I leave at the same time every day. I don't bring work home. I have the entire evening to myself to do whatever I want; cooking, crafts, hanging out with friends, hanging out by myself, shopping, household nonsense...nothing feels super rushed.

I work pretty independently and without a lot of scrutiny. Even on my first day back after 2 years; no real instruction or re-introduction was given. I just simply got down to business as if I was only gone a weekend.

My inbox will always stay full and while I am certain there are going to be times of stress to get this or that done...I don't know. The work day is still only 8 hours and it is what it is. Perspective.

I was never asked, in my 12 years there before, to stay late more than twice. I was never denied a day off when I needed it.

I can communicate better; being a manager forced me to up my game in that respect. The more open the lines of communication, the better.

Not being a manager means that ultimately someone else gets to call the shots.  Right now, where I'm at in my life, this is honestly a relief. If you have been reading my blogs, you can tell that I have had some major changes going on in my life and I had to concede that I wasn't able to hold up my end of the bargain anymore. I was getting overwhelmed. It's really tough to say that - I like to think I am unstoppable - but despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to do it anymore; I didn't want to focus my energy on that aspect of my life any longer. That was a difficult thing to admit to myself but if I can't be honest with myself, who can I be honest with?

So, even though tomorrow is Friday and the work week is not yet over, I've really enjoyed my first week back. The attorneys are even purchasing me a brand new desk and chair, which is a freakin' awesome surprise! Overall, I feel like I was and am appreciated, and I can enjoy my outside life more and keep the work-related stuff at work.

When I left there, I left feeling a bit inconsequential. It was very much like a break-up; sometimes it takes leaving for people to realize what they had (and this definitely goes both ways).  There are a lot of employers who only see their staff as dollar signs - they aren't interested in you if you aren't making them the big bucks. In that instance, all one can do is take what was learned and apply all the lessons from that into something healthier and more genuine. But the attorneys were never like that.

I feel well-equipped to handle the direction that my life is carrying me in, even if the path feels a bit weird and hysterical at times. I'm just going to roll with it because God apparently has a huge sense of humor and I'd rather laugh with Him.

Making Moves!

If we've met, you probably have gathered that I don't let dust settle too often.

As I begin a new/old life adventure career-wise, I'm also planning another adventure...an Etsy shop!  Because crafts.  All the crafts. All the time. 

I had an Etsy shop years ago that was not successful at all. But now I'm older, wiser (maybe? lol), and am about to have a lot more free time to plan and create. I also have help in all of these things, which I didn't have before.

This isn't going to be an immediate thing; I've got to work hard to improve my talents and create an inventory. The first time around was half-assed; this time around will be professional. It is my goal to someday just have a business where I produce items and food stuffs for people that make people feel good.  That's where I see myself in the future.

Creating challenges me. I love learning how to make new things; it keeps my brain moving. When I make something that's useful and unique and someone buys it and loves it...the feeling is like no other. I feel proud and fulfilled.

And that's how I want to live my life. Doing what I want to do, living authentically, and creating naturally.  I want to continue to live my life in such a way that I can sleep easily at night. 

So, right now I am working hard on creating more boxing glove/shoe deodorizers in fun, new patterns because of their practicality and popularity, but I will be upping my natural soap making, candle making, and over-all skin product game. I also want to work on hand-knitting, metal hammering, and overall upcycling products into something fresh and useful.  Quilting will be in the works for my partner but I have zero interest in that, personally, at this time.  I'd also like to learn how to basket weave!  #AllTheThings

Oh boy, I have my work cut out for me.

Opening up

Opening up can be hard as an adult.  How I act toward people is colored by my past experiences and, news flash, I've been hurt.  A lot.  I know I'm not the only one.

It's a conscious effort for me to try and put my immediately reactions to life in the back seat and react the way I want to react to things. To say to myself:  Take a deep breath, this person/situation is different. View it with fresh eyes.  Gather all the information before making a move...

Because it's hard not to assume that people aren't inherently jerks. But the last thing I'd want to do with the people around me - friends, family, co-workers, strangers on the street - is drive them away because I am relying on my old thoughts and my old insecurities. Why would I want my life now to be that affected by the bad parts of life I've experienced?  Why wouldn't I want to focus on the good parts?

As ridiculous as it may sound - at this stage in my life, I'd rather take chances on people. I'd rather see the good in them. I'd rather see their potential. I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather not get myself all worked up over situations that may not even happen.

Recently in a sermon at my church, Pastor Roscoe Lilly talked about how we can sometimes find ourselves sitting and brewing about the worst case scenario...and how often it actually happens (usually never). I found this so reassuring because I've caught myself stewing and all that does is rob me of the joy of the moment. Not only that, if I voiced all my insecure thoughts in the moment, I'd be sure to drive people away from me. I couldn't be vicious to people and then expect them to want to be around me. That's not how life works. If I wouldn't tolerate someone behaving like that to me, I'm not going to do that to others.

I'm not really sure how to tie up this blog neatly, so I'm just going to end it here and hope it resonates with at least one person. I'm off now to go do some art in Saratoga with a new friend from church and a co-worker! When life feels a bit messy, grab a paintbrush and make art out of it.

Be kind. Rewind.

In a shocking turn of events that has everyone's head spinning - I am making yet another large change for 2017.  2017 is the year I return to an old career path with a new perspective.

This one is going back to an office job!  #SayWhat?!

I have just found myself craving the normalcy of a regular schedule for sleeping, social life stuffs and personal time.  My old job, about a month ago, offered me my job back in such a way that it was kinda played off as a joke...but underneath it I knew they were interested.  I was surprised in the way that I didn't flat out reject it, I just kind of avoided it and continued to chew on it until I knew it was the right path to take.

Weird right?  I've been with the ILKB in Clifton Park since it opened. I have accomplished so much, I've met so many wonderful people who have touched my life.  I don't regret a single step of it. The change from a paralegal to a kickboxing instructor to a full out manager (Manager of the Year, if I do say so myself!) was so rewarding and empowering in a way that I don't think I could have achieved doing anything else.  I got to see not only members, but my staff, grow and change in ways that make me so proud.

Apparently 2017 is the time to just shake up every single aspect of my life and put it all in the hands of God, trusting in His plan and learning to just let go.

So I am traveling back in time, back to a time when I was a Davis working at a law firm in Malta.  It's like a movie - where you get to go back in time and do something a little bit better than before because you know better.  You're wiser now.  You know what to expect.  The perspective is different.

Life is about taking chances, moving on, making mistakes, being victorious, and above all - growing.

Things to never apologize for...

Yesterday, I was feisty and I seemed to have struck a raw spot in a live video on Facebook that I posted.  A couple of people took the time to write me private message about it - one agreed with me and the other clearly didn't understand my message and was offended by it.

It really got me thinking about how social media has changed so much of how we think and feel as a whole.

It is now acceptable behavior for us to connect with one another with the sole purpose of selling them something.  This was the underlying message in my video - despite the distracted ranting of how there is no magic pill for the perfect body (because, being in the fitness industry for the past few years now, this really, really irks me).

I have personally noticed an increase in people's private agendas.  Due to the nature of my career, I have to pay close attention to social media.  I get frequent friend requests, most of the time from strangers.  That's fine - but what isn't acceptable to me is that people don't even try to get to know me first before they launch into a sales pitch via Facebook messenger.  Sell what you want on your Facebook page, but I find it rude and presumptive to send someone a private message inviting them to try some revolutionary, life-changing product and then be pressured to join their "team" with the promise of a lucrative extra income.

Guess what?  I've been in direct sales before.  It's not my favorite because it does require that almost...pushy...personality.  I don't know of a single person who enjoys pushy people.  I was a Jamberry consultant for a hot second because it was fun and I loved the products and the discount.  I also loved the ability to meet new people because at the time I worked in an office. Once I started at ilovekickboxing, I didn't have the time for it anymore. I made a few extra bucks. Not a ton, but that's not why I was doing it.

So, I'm not going to apologize for not wanting to be constantly sold to and annoyed by people's agendas. If I messaged you every week (especially if you don't respond to any of my messages) about my fitness program, you may get annoyed by it too.  You might even block me. Maybe you'd even post a nasty message on my Facebook wall for all to see.  Maybe you'd sit behind your phone and wish diarrhea on me.

Anyway, it got me thinking about other things that I don't think people should have to apologize for*:

• taking time to yourself;
• how we choose to spend our money;
• having boundaries and asserting them;
• for being in a mood that is anything but a good one;
• for not always being immediately accessible;
• for being a little harmlessly foolish at times;
• for not wanting to do something;
• for a messy/cluttered home;
• for not wanting to continue a relationship;
• for their beliefs;
• for trying something new and not quite getting it right the first time;
• for needing help;
• choosing sleep over a night out;
• for saying what needs to be said.

*But certainly can if, that's your thing.

Just...live your life your way and don't feel like you need to explain yourself if you don't want to.

Stories from a past life

Sometimes, when I think of my past, it doesn't seem real.  It seems like a completely different life.  Part of that different life was my prior profession - if you didn't know, I was a paralegal for 12 years!  It was a general practice firm but, let's face it, no one who was walking through our doors, save a select few, were in the best part of their lives. This made it challenging and frustrating.  The biggest part of my job was straightening out people's muck; dealing with the paperwork of one of the most highly emotional parts of other people's lives.

When I went into the field, I remember my dad being worried that the stressful nature of the job would break me down.  That I'd take too much of other people's feelings onto myself and let it shake me.  I had to learn right away to...for the lack of better words...divorce myself from the emotions that go behind other people's matrimonial actions, family court proceedings, and estate distribution squabbles...in order to get the job done.  It's not a paralegal's job to feel the pain and frustration that goes behind those things; nor is it the job of the attorneys or the Court system in general.  We simply clean up the mess.  Shuffle papers and move on.

I didn't have a problem turning off those feelings and just getting the job done.  Somewhere along the line though I realized that we really were dealing with some pretty heavy shit and we had to laugh about a lot of it to get through. This seemed dark to me after a while.  Don't get me wrong; I worked for fabulous, ethical, honest people - I can't say enough good about them - it's simply the nature of the work, I think, necessitating those coping mechanisms.

When I realized this, I was able to see a trend in my life.  I am cool under personal life pressure; that job really taught me that.  In the middle of a crisis, I'm able to see what needs to be done and just do it.  I'm not saying I don't cry or have moments of just wondering what the heck else can happen, but life goes on even when we don't want it to.  When my husband and I split, I bought a brand new car, found an apartment, signed the lease, moved in literally the next day.  I taught some of my best kickboxing classes.  I unpacked over the weekend -  Christmas was even in there somewhere.  That probably looked and felt very abrupt.  But...things need to be done and sitting around feeling sorry for myself doesn't do it.  While I have an amazing support system of family and friends and know I can always count on them, my life can't just stop. No one's going to live at my house and wait on me hand and foot and tuck me into bed at night.  I'm an adult; I got it.

That ability can be misconstrued as being cold and uncaring. I'm really not - but I was conditioned for a very long time to just see the paperwork of life because there are tasks that need to be addressed.  Deal with the emotions later on, but take care of the paperwork now. Emotions don't get the job done; buckling down does.

So I think over the next several blogs, I'm going to share some stories about that part of my life. It's stuff I am ready to talk about now, two years after the fact. All of our experiences shape who we are today and these certainly shape me.

Plus, reminiscing is fun :)

Like a switch

Life just changes.  Quick as that - a switch is flipped and things are different.  Weird.  Uncomfortable. Exciting.  Awesome.

It's been a week since my best friend passed and it was full of ups and downs.  I kept myself busy with work and friends because every time I came home it was empty; the saddest feeling I've ever experienced.

I said no to a few things lately. Dating, for one. I am dealing with grief and can't focus on really giving someone new the attention they would like. I'd rather focus on me becoming whole again so when I can enter the scene I am who I know I am. I bet that's difficult for some to understand but it is what it is. I'd rather be honest about where I'm at than fake it.

Extra jobs.  No, I don't want to sell nutritional/skin supplements, or ItWorks wraps. Honestly, I'm annoyed by all of the messages asking me about these things. Eat healthfully and exercise and don't ask me to join your MLM business. I like crafts; I'd rather create things in my spare time.

Dick pics.  Yeah, I got one of these by a random person on Facebook...I didn't know those were actual, real things people sent to others they've never talked to before. Disgusting. No one wants to see that.

But I've said yes to getting more involved in my church, my growth group, and loving those around me.

2017 just continues to be weird...but I'm gonna go with it.

But in other happy news - today I was picked by a new baby.  His name was Enzo at the shelter and I wanted to change it to Pickles...but then as he began to settle into his new home with me tonight, the name "Adam" came to mind.  It fits!

Little Adam on our way home!

He's just under 5 months old, he's a collie/lab mix and he's super freakin' smart. And a cuddle bug. And a huge fan of giving and receiving kisses, but not of baths or music. My home isn't a real home without a dog and I wasn't really, truly, expecting to find a new "child" so fast. But it felt right and I think he and I need each other.

There was and will be only one FeeBee.  But there's also now Adam. A new dog that I can give a great, loving home to because FeeBee taught me how. I think she'd want that, instead of the really sad, grief-stricken mom I've been all week long.

So here's to new adventures ~ a brand new year ~ a new season of my life.

Finding my words.

At the end of 2016, my Facebook feed was filled stuff like this:

..and I didn't really get it. It was definitely "a year"; 2016 had many great times and it had its rough, dirty times, too. But, really, none of that is holding a candle to my year thus far.

I mentioned before that I'm going through a divorce. I've lived in my new place with FeeBee since 12/23 and the attorneys are handling everything, so I don't feel like much of my energy is spent in that direction.

But yesterday was the hardest day of my entire life.  Yesterday FeeBee was euthanized at an emergency veterinary clinic. I had brought her in Friday night and they were going to keep her all weekend to stabilize her vitals. Her blood sugar was way down (she hadn't really eaten) and her blood pressure was very low. It was hard leaving her Friday night but I was just hoping for the best, knowing it was the right thing to happen.

The next morning I was called by the doctor and her blood pressure had continued to drop, despite the medicine she was being given to elevate it. She was not responsive and could do no more than simply lay there.  There was fluid in her body that suggests a very large infection but they couldn't even truly investigate because they couldn't get her stabilized. I had to make the decision to let her go as her BP was so low that her body was beginning to shut down; the doctor said that they had exhausted all of their methods.

I just howled in my apartment. I don't know the other word for it but I howled. And all I've wanted to do is scream, throw things, just let loose and I can't.

Thankfully, FeeBee waited for me to arrive.  She couldn't move but she saw me and wiggled her eyebrows, twitched her feet a bit. When I picked her up she just melted in my arms. My parents were on their way, my friend had brought me there, but I wanted to wait for my parents to arrive to put her to rest. I wasn't able to do that because her breathing began to get very labored and it's just not right to let her hurt.  So, she was put to sleep in my lap and it was like she simply...fell asleep.  Just without the snoring.

The outpouring of love I've received from people is simply amazing. I don't even know what to do with it all.  I've been asked if I'm okay, how I'm doing...and the truth is - I don't know how I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm really doing very well. I feel that I'm putting on a face and just going through the motions.  I feel like a can of fireworks. I feel like a part of me is missing and I could float away.  I feel like everyone is watching me to see how I'm going to be and I have to pretend that I still am feeling like there's purpose in all of this.

I feel like I don't want to do anything. I feel like I don't know my place. I just despair.  It comes in waves and I catch myself just whining.  She was 14 when she died; I had her since she was a baby. I don't know what it's like to not have someone to come home to. I don't know what my life is like without her because it's been so long I don't remember.  She slept with me and her spot was curled up right next to my belly.  That spot feels so empty.  I've never had an empty house or an empty bed.

I have faith I'll see her again but that doesn't make the feeling of loss I'm experiencing right now any better. It doesn't make my apartment feel like a home again, like it did less than 48 hours ago.

FeeBee is buried at my parents' house. Somehow, the ground was soft enough to dig a deep hole and place her in, next to her brother. I wasn't sure how we'd do it but my dad was like "We'll pick-axe it if we need to," - no excuses.  So me, my dad, and my friend Theresa dug a hole for my baby and didn't even need the axe. It was a gorgeous, warm day.  The kind of day that would've made FeeBee perk up and want to explore outside.

I'm grateful for a lot of things, despite the pain. I'm grateful that for 2 months, she was the one that received all my love and attention - never mind the attention from my friends and family. She liked being the only dog; the only recipient of all affection. I had almost 14 years with her and that's more than a lot of people have with their dogs.  When I moved here, she came with me wherever she could, so, basically, everywhere but work, the grocery store, and my weekend trip to Boston. She had a great life; I just wish it would last forever.

She.

Made me laugh, made me stop and be present, made me love.

And if you hear a howling, that is me.

Tutorial: Boxing Glove Deodorizers

I promised that I'd do a "how-to" with how I make my homemade boxing glove deodorizers.

They're easy to make...but they take me some time to make.  I only have the attention span to make, at most, 4 at a time.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe you've seen my random "for sale" posts for these babies on Facebook?  If you still don't know, I have been making glove deodorizers out of the amazing collection of fabric I already have in my possession.  Because let's face it - hands sweat in gloves, regardless of wearing hand wraps or not, and that can get downright unpleasant.  Why not have something that can help absorb the moisture and keep your gloves from smelling like Fritos?

So here's my tutorial on how to make your own so your hands can stop stinking TODAY! :)

First off, you need some things.  They are:

• Fabric; something with very little to no stretch;
• A stencil of the shape of the deodorizer - I made my own out of card-stock paper;
• A strip of fabric that will act as a tie in between the two deodorizers;
• A Sharpie - whatever color you like;
• Plain rice;
• Essential oils;
• Sewing machine; and 
• Quality thread similar to the color scheme you're going with.

First things first, get your stuff ready.  There's nothing more frustrating than to have to stop what you're doing to try and find what you need.

Pick your fabric and get your stencil ready!

Turn the fabric inside out and use your stencil to make the pattern.  In this photo, I had folded the fabric inside out, so it looks like there's only TWO patterns but there's actually FOUR.  You need four.

Sew, and flip inside out (really, "right side in".  Note:  When you flip them, it's gonna look teeny tiny.  No worries.  Just wait until you fill them.

The rice and essential oil ~ I used quite a few droplets in this batch.  The amount of rice you will need will vary.  I use rice because it's sustainable AND if you put these in the microwave for 2 minutes, they will make a wonderful heat pack :)  You can also put them in the freezer.  So, versatility!

I fill the two sacks halfway with rice because when it lays down, I want the rice to have room to spread!  

Insert the strap into the opening at the top, and fold over until smooth.  Pin to keep the edges straight while sewing!

There we go!  Sew both sides...

And bingo!  Glove deodorizers!

Some things to note - the strap in between should also be a material that's not super stretchy.  If you want to know what I used...I shall tell you :)  It's actually a pair of hand wraps I ironed and cut to re-purpose!  So if you have extra hand wraps laying around that don't seem to have their mate (as in, your dryer ate it right along with your socks), this is a great way to put them to good use.  Plus, the fact that they're FOR boxing gloves makes it a rather cool feature.

I'm by no way an expert seamstress.  I'm self-taught and I learn something new with every single pair I make.  But ~ I love learning new crafts AND it also pleases me to re-purpose things into something that's extremely useful and desired. So, the stitches aren't perfect and each pair is different than the last. I just get such enjoyment making things for people and spending time in my craft room.  

I feel very blessed to have fallen on both feet and found the place I did. I have an entire room with its only purpose being to foster my imagination and creativity.