Moving on.

Around the time I moved into my own place, I had passed by an article online about how getting a divorce can alter all the relationships around you - some friendships will disappear, others will grow stronger; overall, things just change.  

I didn't let that worry me too much.  Life is going to unfold as it would and often the cause of suffering is holding on to things for too long that aren't meant to be held on to.  This was something I read in a book years ago that stuck with me.  Stop holding on, let go.  The emotions, the turmoil, the hurt - all of that is just temporary.

I've been in my own place over a month now and I can sense the shift.  There are some people who were in my inner circle who haven't checked in with me at all.  It's like divorce is a disease that they can catch if they associate with me.  

On the flip side, there are some people who were on the fringes of my life who surprised me, who came out of the woodwork and are now an integral part of my life.  People I can't imagine not being around, people I lean on and grown to absolutely love in a very short amount of time.

The relationships with my family are even different.  With my parents, we have spoken a lot more.  I've been more honest about my life and feelings that I've ever been with them.  The past couple of weeks we've talked less but I think that's because they are realizing that I am okay; I'm over a month into this new life and I've been steadily making headway.

The people I keep the closest and appreciate the most understand that I am going to have my times of feeling overwhelmed.  I don't think it matters if the separation from a partner is mutual or one-sided; it's still a lot of work to sort through the emotional and physical baggage.  I'm going to have my moments of planning all these social events and then cancelling all of them because manic phases only last for so long until one is simply worn out.  In all honestly, the past couple of weeks I've been on the go so much and I haven't been sleeping well. My fever blister on my lip is back and that's always been my sign to slow down, sleep more, stress less, and do exactly whatever it is I want to do at that time.

Now is the time for me to indulge in my hobbies.  Now is the time where I shouldn't have to explain to anyone why I do or don't want to do something. Now is the time where I shouldn't have to be accountable to anyone but myself.  To remember that no, I'm not the same girl who was married in 2014, I'm actually a better version.

How My Life is Changing

I've been due another raw(ish) blog post but I haven't been certain as to what to say.  To follow up...

I "dared" to expose that my husband and I were separating in my last post.  And we did.  I moved into my own cozy place a couple of days before Christmas and have been residing here since.

I've been setting into my new routine and the biggest change is that I find I have a lot more free time.  I am no longer taking care of an entire household, another individual, 3 dogs...I've had time to sit on my couch and just relax and reflect on a lot of things I've experienced over the past few years.  The fact that I can just sit and not be needed to do something when I'm home is really very nice. 

Stacey is no longer working 24/7.  #SayWhat?

I also look in the mirror and feel like my face is less tired looking and worried from stress and anxiety.  I feel like I've been smiling easier, laughing harder, being Stacey a lot better than I was.  But I also feel that I lost my best friend.  So, there's that, too. 

When I come home, the vibes are good because it's just FeeBee and I.  There's no one else's mood to dance around and wonder about.

FeeBee is happier.  This 14 year old pug wants to play again! She has stuffed toys that don't get destroyed and when I'm at work, she sleeps snuggly in her little doggie bed.  She has a dog bed!  She couldn't have that before because it would have been eaten.

Speaking of eating, I'm about 90% vegetarian now and I feel fabulous!  I feel like my energy and strength has increased.  Mentally and physically.

I'm not a person who gets lonely when I'm by myself.  I like alone time; it's how I re-charge.  I can sometimes get lonely in crowds when I don't feel I have a connection to who is there around me.  I think that may be a worse feeling - the feeling of being around others but feeling disconnected.  But I enjoy being an independent, free person.

Do I wish my husband and I could've worked it out?  Sure. I take my marriage vows very seriously but both people have to be willing to put in the work, not just one.  This is not an accusation but a true statement.  In order for any relationship to work, the people involved have to work together.  There was more than one factor in our split and we are simply choosing to work on bettering ourselves separately, not together.

And when I am ready, I can seek to find a like-minded individual.  And my husband can, as well.

The biggest change really is the sense of peace I feel right now.  That I am doing exactly the right things to grow as a person and to fulfill whatever purpose God has in store for me.  I don't feel like I am fighting the inevitable - as my friend Will would call it - "square peg, round hole". 

I Dare.

I'm going to do something super uncomfortable.

I'm going to admit something that a lot of people don't really admit when it's happening...but my husband and I are separating.   

I almost feel like I shouldn't be announcing it to the world - because it's not really the world's business.  But the whole purpose of this blog is to share, to connect, to talk about the things that are going on.  Not to just pretend life is all hunky-dory 24/7.  

Okay, life is generally hunky-dory.  But that includes the ugly, hurtful things.  Life can be amazing and still have the rough stuff.

And rough stuff it is.  

The "put your game face on and deal with it" aspect is rough.  There are things that still have to be done, no matter how I'm feeling.  Buying a car, securing an apartment, dealing with questions about why I'm the one leaving the house, buying new things for said apartment because no, I'm not the type to leave someone with nothing (that's not nice), packing, CHRISTMAS, a full time job, furbabies...

While yeah, some moments I want to just lay on the floor and sob (and I have, it is what it is), life must go on.  And it can either go on positively or I can dwell on all the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and drown in them eventually.

I have my good moments and bad moments.  And those happen within moments.  

Today was rough.  I was (and still sort of am) unsure about a departure date from my home.  It's frustrating to not have a closure with that, but it's getting sorted.  But, I put on press-on nails today and felt better.  I made myself a giant bowl of popcorn for dinner and I felt better.  I looked at a different, but super amazing apartment and felt better.  I have the love and support of my family and friends (and that includes all my peeps at my job), and I felt better.  

But I went through our wedding cards and was upset.  Hugged a teddy bear I got on Valentine's Day and was upset.  Watched him walk out of our house, headed to a hotel for the night, was upset.  Thought about never seeing Berkley and Dave again, got upset.  Because this is all relatively amicable doesn't mean we are ever going to be friends.  But I keep saying to myself - a lot of suffering is caused by holding on...let go.  God has it in control.  And I truly believe He does.

And I'm alive.  I'm unapologetically alive.  I'm going through a rough time and I'm not going to be sorry for it or sorry for myself.  I am grieving but I know life is going to be happy for us both.  I'm going to be kind to myself about the process of it all.  When I'm sad, I will be sad.  When I'm joyous, I will dance.  When I am tired, I will do my best and nap!  Because holy cow.  The wide array of emotions that has been passing through this house the past few weeks has us both exhausted and looking forward to this change, despite how large of one it is.  Both of us need space and time to heal, sleep, and move on.