Not Wasting a Pain

I literally just got home from church and felt so compelled, so inspired, after today's message that I knew had to write a blog about this.

Today's message was about...

~Our greatest ministry will come through your greatest pain.~

In essence, the hard times in our life (that are often the most gut-wrenching and embarrassing) should be used to help others who are going through similar difficult times. Because who else can help you the best besides someone who's been through the same thing you're going through?

At my previous job, because it is a brand, it was in the brand's best interest for me, and others representing the brand, to not talk about certain things. Which means if we were going through a rough time in life, it was just better to push it aside and pretend it wasn't happening. We cultivated our individual selves into a brand; it was our job to make our lives sound appealing, desirable ~ effing off-the-wall amazing all the time.

Life's really not always that way.  And I don't mean for this prelude to sound harsh toward my previous employment because, believe me, I did find comfort in keeping my troubles largely anonymous.

So, here is part of the story for my greatest pain.  Written as honestly as possible, in hopes that maybe it will help someone.

From the summer 2016 until the end of 2016, my marriage was falling apart.  The first time Trevor and I talked about divorce, it was sometime in June or July.  We just weren't connecting at all.  We had different goals, different views on just about everything. Some of his opinions made me cringe; some of the ways he spoke about and referred to people made me cringe. On my end, it was hard to truly realize that I wasn't making our relationship a priority.  This was making him feel as if he was lower on the totem pole of importance compared to other things in my life.

It was an ugly thing to realize because yes, I was just going through the motions of a good wife. I was doing all the housework (he'd disagree with this but I don't have to argue with him anymore), helping him, doing things for him to try and make his life easier.  But, I wasn't passionate about him or with him because I wasn't getting what I needed. Help. Time. I was tired, because on top of managing a successful gym, I was managing the entire household and, it felt like, the entire marriage on my own.

I then thought things were getting better. I knew where I could do better and I made the steps toward that. I took time off from work to have date nights, I was amenable to marital counseling. I made an effort to be kinder. To listen more. To be present more - physically and emotionally.

And then came November.

The worst month probably ever.  Except for February of this year, when my best friend, FeeBee, died.

November was terrible. Trevor was trying new medicine for depression and anxiety and he hated how he felt. I don't blame him but since I've been there myself twice in my life, I urged him to just keep taking it and wait it out. Wait for his body to adjust so he could really begin feeling better. Whatever help he was giving me around the house completely stopped. He got mean, picking fights with me whenever I came home from work. He'd often be sleeping when I got home - whatever time of the day it was. He'd cry a lot. One day he didn't move from the floor in front of our fireplace. One day I had to put him in the shower and lay out his clothes because he was too frazzled. I didn't see him go to work; according to him he was delayed in his part of a particular job because of issues with the materials, which often happens to contractors. So, he didn't really have any distraction from whatever he was going through mentally. He just had to sit in it. His seriousness in counseling wanned.

So that was all going on at home while I managed a studio and still tried to squeak in my own workouts. It was tough because he hated my job, blamed it for the changes in me, and didn't appear to enjoy when I left the house. Those feelings he had about everything were amplified in November.

I missed my best friend's 40th birthday. I felt guilty about attending a party for a staff member who was leaving New York to go back home to Massachusetts.  I felt trapped and while I know I had people to confide in, I felt like my life was embarrassing at this point.  Chaotic.  Dramatic.  Not a life that someone should look up to or feel inspired by.  So I wasn't completely honest about what was going on to anyone, really. No one person got the entire story while it was happening.  Despite all this, I felt very resolute in weathering the storm because marriage vows, to me, should be held sacred.

But then I just started to be really honest with myself in December. A series of small, unwise decisions lead me (us) to illegal activities that could have gotten us in big trouble. I had allowed, step by step, for certain things to happen and suddenly it was like a slap in the face: I was not who my parents raised me to be. I was not someone who I could honestly say I looked up to; I was not the role model I was portraying myself as. I had a face for work, a face for home, and a face for church.

Any more than one face is too many.

I was embarrassed by my life and he and I got on board with putting that in our past and moving forward. But he struggled with it. What we had been doing was a huge part of his life for so long and it was tough for him to move on. That probably caused him to become meaner. Because if November sucked, December wasn't any better. December was the month, after listening for what felt like the one millionth time over the past month and a half about what a piece of garbage wife I was, I was like - no more.

I'm not perfect. I know my role in the downfall of our marriage but I refuse to tolerate anyone speaking to me like I am less. Like I am solely to blame. Own your life; take responsibility for the parts of it that you could've made better but didn't.

Then his mother arrived for the Christmas holidays. He and I were on good speaking terms, still residing in the same household, knowing that I was seeking to leave before the year ended. She put him up in a hotel and the amicable relationship Trevor and I had ended. Sometime during this, my dad had called Trevor to make sure he was all right. Trevor's mother, whom I had felt close with, had nothing to say to me. I received no calls, texts, or e-mails. I did not matter. But I am proud of my family - of my dad, who loved Trevor enough to call and see if he was all right, knowing what I was going through. I am proud to have been raised by caring people.

Over the course of three days I saw an apartment, signed a lease, and moved in. There was a moment when I signed my lease that I called Trevor and cried; everything seemed so final. So abruptly cut off. But he hadn't been home in 3 days because his mother had arrived. He told me he was not concerned with how I felt because all he was focused on was getting better.

I couldn't believe that this big life change was happening to me. I felt embarrassed that I had a marriage that survived just a little over two years. It seemed sad and pathetic to me. How could I teach classes and show people what a great life looked like if mine was falling apart?

I really wanted to talk about it.

I was also waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting for the breakdown that every divorced woman I've talked to says happens. I was waiting for the roller coaster of emotions; I was waiting for the loneliness to sink in.  I did have a moment, after I unpacked everything, of - holy crap. This is my new life. And then I moved on. The depression didn't kick in. I was honestly more stressed and depressed in my marriage than I was living on my own.

I threw myself into my work.

Then, the day I was to do a bridal show for work, I got a bogus proposed Separation Agreement from him that was insulting. Helllooo legal fees and divorce squabbles that I swore I'd never be a part of. Yet, I had to turn on a smile and be excited for future brides and grooms for their wedding days. The second couple I spoke with were getting married on 9/28 - which is the day I got married. God has a big sense of humor, I tell you.

I joined a Growth Group through church that was ladies-only and the topic was about relationships and successful marriages. I was the only one in the group who was going through or had been through a divorce. Everyone else was either married or single. I felt like I stuck out - like a failure before I had even introduced myself. Gradually, as I got to know these ladies and they got to know me, I felt differently and the feelings of shame and embarrassment waned. I changed my perspective on the entire thing; I chose to take the time to learn more about how I could avoid the same mistakes I had made in the past and create a better relationship in my future.

Then, FeeBee died and this rocked my world. Burying my dog was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it made all the other difficulties seem vibrant and real. She died on a Saturday and I worked on Monday, trying to teach classes like it didn't happen.

2017 was off to an amazing start.  It was like a country song.

Meanwhile, members of the studio, staff, friends - they were all somehow proud of me for keeping my shit together during times of high stress. How I was handling it, as one said "like a boss."  I still somewhat felt judged if I had a moment of weakness. As a manager, I felt it was my duty to show everyone that I can make it through it all; that nothing could get me down. If I cried, if I stressed...I sensed that it made others uncomfortable and I wanted to be a good role model.

I didn't feel like I was keeping anything together; I felt myself unraveling, especially after FeeBee died. I didn't want to go about life the same way any longer. When asked, I insisted that I was managing everything just fine.  But honestly, my passions were changing directions and I felt a lot slipping through my fingertips. It was time for another big change.

So, I left my job and began my old career-path again. Normal work hours, minimal responsibilities...and now I am helping others through their divorces and tough times, feeling more equipped than ever to do so.  Why? Because I'm going through it, too. 

We're going into May and I am still no closer to being divorced than I was months ago. Because there is a home involved, in order for Trevor to have it, he has to refinance and I believe he's afraid to. It's in his best interest to delay. Meanwhile I just want to move on with my life in a fair way. I want to close that messy chapter of my life. I want to say goodbye to the chaos that ruled my life for nearly an entire year now.

I found myself giving a divorce client some sage advice the other day. I told him to find something else to do with his time than brood about the snowblower that he says his ex-wife stole out of the garage when he wasn't looking. Years ago, I wouldn't have said this because I wouldn't have known what to say. I couldn't have related. But that's how I made it through things - I kept busy, I kept my head down, and I did my best to just plow right through all the hard times I've gone through so far this year.

I have great faith and hope for my future.  THAT is not a lie or an exaggeration. When people have expressed to me that they're sorry I'm going through a divorce, I can honestly say I am not sorry. I truly feel that God brought me to all of these troubles so that I could better help others. But that doesn't mean it's always pretty or politically correct.

It doesn't mean that I don't get embarrassed sometimes at how messy my life may look from those viewing it from the outside, as I try and start two new businesses, work a full time job, raise a puppy, and navigate an unconventional relationship.  But Pastor Roscoe said it right tonight:  Any friends I may have lost (or may be losing even by writing this blog) aren't those I really want to keep around me anyway. Who wants a judgmental friend?

So this, my friends, is a glimpse into my real life. Some of my own "3 a.m." moments.

Oh girl, ain't nobody got time for dat...

Hi again!

It's been over a week since my last blog and holy moly - life just keeps changing and getting better!

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a routine. This morning, I woke up to the sun shining, to an amazing workout, to an amazing lunch out at a park with friends...and I felt alive.  Awake. Unhurried and unstressed.  These feelings had been missing for some time as my body got acclimated with regular work and sleep hours and a lot less physical activity. So today I feel like I finally hit a stride.

But I've been pretty busy.  Finally, we launched the Etsy shop!  So far, we have a bunch of shoe/glove deodorizers up...and we have more tricks up our sleeves!

Can I just say how freakin' pumped I am to have an Etsy shop? I LOVE to create and I can't express how amazing it feels to be doing more of that.

So, the name?  USUpcycled - it's a play on the name of this blog, in a way.  It stands for Unapologetically Stacey - Upcycled.  Because "unapologetically" is a semi-complicated word, I went with the initials instead.  And, of course "upcycled" because I love giving new life to items; giving them new use and purpose.  Not everything on the site will be from recycled materials, but it is my general goal.

The other thought behind the name is that since it's a collaborative effort between my friend and I (the "Us"), and, I can't lie - this is a big year of change for us both.  So, think of "us" as being a bit "upcycled", too. Renewed, being remade into something beautiful.

I've also been ordering things to make my office at work seem more "me". This is going on my desk tomorrow, along with new organizational paraphernalia that is hiding in the blue canvas baskets.

And I've been trying to ignore and avoid the negativity that seems to be going around! It's hard sometimes because I do take things to heart. But I have to remind myself that not everyone feels the way that I do ~ and in a hundred years, we'll all know the truth.  (Right, Dad?)  

There's a reason why I have that quote tattooed on my arm; it is a great reminder to me not to get too wrapped up in the drama because, in the end, none of it really matters.

So that's the update on my life, in a nutshell. Creating, finding my rhythm, being as present as possible and avoiding things that subtract from my life instead of add to it.

From legal work to kickboxing back to legal work...

lol

Part of my life has come full circle.  As I close on my first week at my new/old profession, I have to take some time to reflect on some things.

It was a surreal feeling, walking up the giant cement steps I remember being poured in years ago, unlocking the front door with my key, and walking in onto the blue carpet I also remember being installed. The place was quiet, but one of my co-workers who started after me over a decade ago was upstairs early, as she always had been. She came down to say hello once she heard me rustling around and greeted me with a hug. It was weird because it it felt like I hadn't left at all, but it also feels like a lifetime has gone by. The scene and the players have not changed, but I have.

As she had always done before, this co-worker helped me rearrange my work space. I'm one of those annoying people that has to change up the layout of a room semi-frequently and when I enter a new space, I have to make it mine. She knows this so she was ready to help out.

The one of my bosses came in, the wife part of the team I work for. She also greeted me with a hug; I guess the feeling I am trying to relay is one of mutual happiness, gratefulness and completeness. If you had asked me 3, 4 months ago if I saw myself back in an office - much less a law office - I would have laughed at you. But it felt like the right choice to make and my first day there really confirmed that. I was surprised at what I remembered and how easily I am falling back into the tempo of the law office life.

Not only that, I am kind of shocked at how easy my job is. I come in at the same time every day. I leave at the same time every day. I don't bring work home. I have the entire evening to myself to do whatever I want; cooking, crafts, hanging out with friends, hanging out by myself, shopping, household nonsense...nothing feels super rushed.

I work pretty independently and without a lot of scrutiny. Even on my first day back after 2 years; no real instruction or re-introduction was given. I just simply got down to business as if I was only gone a weekend.

My inbox will always stay full and while I am certain there are going to be times of stress to get this or that done...I don't know. The work day is still only 8 hours and it is what it is. Perspective.

I was never asked, in my 12 years there before, to stay late more than twice. I was never denied a day off when I needed it.

I can communicate better; being a manager forced me to up my game in that respect. The more open the lines of communication, the better.

Not being a manager means that ultimately someone else gets to call the shots.  Right now, where I'm at in my life, this is honestly a relief. If you have been reading my blogs, you can tell that I have had some major changes going on in my life and I had to concede that I wasn't able to hold up my end of the bargain anymore. I was getting overwhelmed. It's really tough to say that - I like to think I am unstoppable - but despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to do it anymore; I didn't want to focus my energy on that aspect of my life any longer. That was a difficult thing to admit to myself but if I can't be honest with myself, who can I be honest with?

So, even though tomorrow is Friday and the work week is not yet over, I've really enjoyed my first week back. The attorneys are even purchasing me a brand new desk and chair, which is a freakin' awesome surprise! Overall, I feel like I was and am appreciated, and I can enjoy my outside life more and keep the work-related stuff at work.

When I left there, I left feeling a bit inconsequential. It was very much like a break-up; sometimes it takes leaving for people to realize what they had (and this definitely goes both ways).  There are a lot of employers who only see their staff as dollar signs - they aren't interested in you if you aren't making them the big bucks. In that instance, all one can do is take what was learned and apply all the lessons from that into something healthier and more genuine. But the attorneys were never like that.

I feel well-equipped to handle the direction that my life is carrying me in, even if the path feels a bit weird and hysterical at times. I'm just going to roll with it because God apparently has a huge sense of humor and I'd rather laugh with Him.

Making Moves!

If we've met, you probably have gathered that I don't let dust settle too often.

As I begin a new/old life adventure career-wise, I'm also planning another adventure...an Etsy shop!  Because crafts.  All the crafts. All the time. 

I had an Etsy shop years ago that was not successful at all. But now I'm older, wiser (maybe? lol), and am about to have a lot more free time to plan and create. I also have help in all of these things, which I didn't have before.

This isn't going to be an immediate thing; I've got to work hard to improve my talents and create an inventory. The first time around was half-assed; this time around will be professional. It is my goal to someday just have a business where I produce items and food stuffs for people that make people feel good.  That's where I see myself in the future.

Creating challenges me. I love learning how to make new things; it keeps my brain moving. When I make something that's useful and unique and someone buys it and loves it...the feeling is like no other. I feel proud and fulfilled.

And that's how I want to live my life. Doing what I want to do, living authentically, and creating naturally.  I want to continue to live my life in such a way that I can sleep easily at night. 

So, right now I am working hard on creating more boxing glove/shoe deodorizers in fun, new patterns because of their practicality and popularity, but I will be upping my natural soap making, candle making, and over-all skin product game. I also want to work on hand-knitting, metal hammering, and overall upcycling products into something fresh and useful.  Quilting will be in the works for my partner but I have zero interest in that, personally, at this time.  I'd also like to learn how to basket weave!  #AllTheThings

Oh boy, I have my work cut out for me.

Opening up

Opening up can be hard as an adult.  How I act toward people is colored by my past experiences and, news flash, I've been hurt.  A lot.  I know I'm not the only one.

It's a conscious effort for me to try and put my immediately reactions to life in the back seat and react the way I want to react to things. To say to myself:  Take a deep breath, this person/situation is different. View it with fresh eyes.  Gather all the information before making a move...

Because it's hard not to assume that people aren't inherently jerks. But the last thing I'd want to do with the people around me - friends, family, co-workers, strangers on the street - is drive them away because I am relying on my old thoughts and my old insecurities. Why would I want my life now to be that affected by the bad parts of life I've experienced?  Why wouldn't I want to focus on the good parts?

As ridiculous as it may sound - at this stage in my life, I'd rather take chances on people. I'd rather see the good in them. I'd rather see their potential. I'd rather give people the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather not get myself all worked up over situations that may not even happen.

Recently in a sermon at my church, Pastor Roscoe Lilly talked about how we can sometimes find ourselves sitting and brewing about the worst case scenario...and how often it actually happens (usually never). I found this so reassuring because I've caught myself stewing and all that does is rob me of the joy of the moment. Not only that, if I voiced all my insecure thoughts in the moment, I'd be sure to drive people away from me. I couldn't be vicious to people and then expect them to want to be around me. That's not how life works. If I wouldn't tolerate someone behaving like that to me, I'm not going to do that to others.

I'm not really sure how to tie up this blog neatly, so I'm just going to end it here and hope it resonates with at least one person. I'm off now to go do some art in Saratoga with a new friend from church and a co-worker! When life feels a bit messy, grab a paintbrush and make art out of it.