..and I didn't really get it. It was definitely "a year"; 2016 had many great times and it had its rough, dirty times, too. But, really, none of that is holding a candle to my year thus far.
I mentioned before that I'm going through a divorce. I've lived in my new place with FeeBee since 12/23 and the attorneys are handling everything, so I don't feel like much of my energy is spent in that direction.
But yesterday was the hardest day of my entire life. Yesterday FeeBee was euthanized at an emergency veterinary clinic. I had brought her in Friday night and they were going to keep her all weekend to stabilize her vitals. Her blood sugar was way down (she hadn't really eaten) and her blood pressure was very low. It was hard leaving her Friday night but I was just hoping for the best, knowing it was the right thing to happen.
The next morning I was called by the doctor and her blood pressure had continued to drop, despite the medicine she was being given to elevate it. She was not responsive and could do no more than simply lay there. There was fluid in her body that suggests a very large infection but they couldn't even truly investigate because they couldn't get her stabilized. I had to make the decision to let her go as her BP was so low that her body was beginning to shut down; the doctor said that they had exhausted all of their methods.
I just howled in my apartment. I don't know the other word for it but I howled. And all I've wanted to do is scream, throw things, just let loose and I can't.
Thankfully, FeeBee waited for me to arrive. She couldn't move but she saw me and wiggled her eyebrows, twitched her feet a bit. When I picked her up she just melted in my arms. My parents were on their way, my friend had brought me there, but I wanted to wait for my parents to arrive to put her to rest. I wasn't able to do that because her breathing began to get very labored and it's just not right to let her hurt. So, she was put to sleep in my lap and it was like she simply...fell asleep. Just without the snoring.
The outpouring of love I've received from people is simply amazing. I don't even know what to do with it all. I've been asked if I'm okay, how I'm doing...and the truth is - I don't know how I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm really doing very well. I feel that I'm putting on a face and just going through the motions. I feel like a can of fireworks. I feel like a part of me is missing and I could float away. I feel like everyone is watching me to see how I'm going to be and I have to pretend that I still am feeling like there's purpose in all of this.
I feel like I don't want to do anything. I feel like I don't know my place. I just despair. It comes in waves and I catch myself just whining. She was 14 when she died; I had her since she was a baby. I don't know what it's like to not have someone to come home to. I don't know what my life is like without her because it's been so long I don't remember. She slept with me and her spot was curled up right next to my belly. That spot feels so empty. I've never had an empty house or an empty bed.
I have faith I'll see her again but that doesn't make the feeling of loss I'm experiencing right now any better. It doesn't make my apartment feel like a home again, like it did less than 48 hours ago.
FeeBee is buried at my parents' house. Somehow, the ground was soft enough to dig a deep hole and place her in, next to her brother. I wasn't sure how we'd do it but my dad was like "We'll pick-axe it if we need to," - no excuses. So me, my dad, and my friend Theresa dug a hole for my baby and didn't even need the axe. It was a gorgeous, warm day. The kind of day that would've made FeeBee perk up and want to explore outside.
I'm grateful for a lot of things, despite the pain. I'm grateful that for 2 months, she was the one that received all my love and attention - never mind the attention from my friends and family. She liked being the only dog; the only recipient of all affection. I had almost 14 years with her and that's more than a lot of people have with their dogs. When I moved here, she came with me wherever she could, so, basically, everywhere but work, the grocery store, and my weekend trip to Boston. She had a great life; I just wish it would last forever.
She.
Made me laugh, made me stop and be present, made me love.
And if you hear a howling, that is me.
