I've had one of the toughest weeks ever. In cruising through my Facebook feed, begging for a distraction, I've seen that others have, too. Maybe it's just the week. Maybe it's the holiday season and the winter blues that can go along with it.
Either way, this week was just tough. But I know that the challenges that this week brought to my family are things that need to weathered in order for the peace and happiness that will come afterwards. I have to believe that.
This is the first week of my husband's sobriety.
I am beyond proud of him for taking his depression and dependency issues and facing them and saying, "No more."
But the beauty of it does come with ugly parts. The shivers, the mood swings, the angry and hurtful words, the blaming...the overall struggle. It's really tough to watch someone that you love go through this. We're just in the beginning part of all of this together but yesterday I found myself wondering if I have what it takes to help him through this, as he had expressed to me that he felt I'm a large part of the problem.
It's tough to decipher who's talking - my husband or the illness. But one of my husband's amazing qualities is that he is very good at apologizing when he is wrong, and he is able to do so nearly immediately after the fact. I don't feel like many people are able to really do this and it was something I noticed about him right away, early on in our relationship. It's admirable; it's selfless. A simple apology can mean so much and I've never really understood why those two little words are hard to say.
Of course, an apology that happens afterwards doesn't make the angry words much easier to hear.
On our wedding day, we chose traditional vows. Those vows included the phrase, "I plight thee my trough." It means that we both pledged our faithfulness, loyalty and truthfulness. We didn't reserve those things just for the happy times, but also for the hard times. This is what I have to hold on to during the gritty times of this process.
This was a tough blog to write. I'm sure I will get some flack for exposing a personal situation for all to see but I really felt compelled to let it out. I would rather open doors for communication and support from all directions than keep it to myself.
If someone reading this is going through a similar situation and it offers a bit of encouragement ~ then I feel it's the right thing to have done. We aren't every truly alone in our sufferings, are we? And suffering shouldn't be anything to be ashamed of.
