A Reason to Keep Looking Forward

I turned 34 over the weekend! I enjoy birthdays; I don't fear getting older. But maybe it was something about this entire year and the fact that I am starting a new year of life without some things ...it just kind of hit me. I still experience grief over the loss of FeeBee this past February. It hits me whenever it does, without rhyme or reason.  

Then, later that weekend, I got to experience what I felt was blatant rudeness and unkindness in a social situation I could not control nor affect. It is weird for me to feel disliked before I'm even known. I mean, at least give me the chance to disappoint and upset you, first, before you pretend I don't exist. I at least deserve that. 

But you know what was a bright, shining, and very random light?

This little Batman right here. When we were sitting, having dinner as a family on Monday night, talking about how he'd have "fun" homework just like his big sister in a couple of years...he came out with this:

"Will you help me with it?" 

Yes, I will be helping you with your homework in a couple of years.  I hope to be blessed to be able to do that for as long as you are in school.

Suddenly, the list of people who are upset with me or outright dislike me, gossip about me, think of me as less than them really don't matter. I had only one social interaction at the gathering mentioned above that hurt me; everyone else was kind, pleasant, wonderful and embracing. I may struggle sometimes to find the good in myself, but I have the admiration of a 5 year old who wants me to help him do his homework in the future.

This is real life.

As of October 16th, I'm officially divorced. The Judgment was signed and filed in the County Clerk's Office, making it a legit thing.

I was waiting for this day. Basically, this was me all year:

Not because my marriage was horrible, terrible, the worst thing ever in this world ~ there are people who's lives are legit on the line when they are exiting a relationship. It was simply because I think the faster things are finalized, the faster people can move on and find their own road to take. I've always been someone who likes procedure and closure.

I wondered though how I'd feel actually seeing the paperwork in front of me. The truth is when I saw the papers, I felt two things: (1) nothing at all, which lead me to feeling a little surprised. It was as if the names on the papers were ones I did not recognize; it represented a life that was not mine or meant to be mine. (2) A flash of anger. I had a brief moment of where I remembered some hurtful things that had been said to me. It was like a ghost walked through and then left. I mean, seriously? Why carry around the negative parts of our former marriage? I'd rather remember the fun things ~ I'd rather remember the things I've learned.

This quote I found struck me because the last part applies to me. This year brought a lot of change and turmoil; I learned the hard way who my true friends are and who truly cares for me. I experienced extreme loss (I still miss FeeBee every single day). I changed careers back to what it was, pre-ilovekickboxing, and found great satisfaction and peace with it and how it gave, and still gives, me the ability to focus more on me and my life. I started a business that I find fulfilling and challenging. I found love for myself and true love in and for an amazing woman who is my absolute best friend. Today marks 7 months we have been together as a couple.

2017 is the year I stumbled a lot but I fell into my stride and the path I believe that I am meant to take.

SO SAPPY RIGHT?!  It is what it is. Life isn't perfect but I still feel very, very blessed.

So...when am I going to work out? (Another child-free to child-ed post)

I'm just going to dive right on into this one.

When I was a fitness instructor, I was very upfront about not understanding the theory behind moms not having the time to workout. It was honestly an excuse that I had a tough time coaching people through because I firmly believe that we all deserve our own time. Mother, father, aunt, uncle, successful businessperson.  Whoever you are - you deserve the best health that you can have.

Don't think I'm going to tell you ~ "THEY ARE SO RIGHT AND I WAS SO WRONG".  It's not going to be that type of blog. So, if you were excited to yell "I TOLD YOU SO!", simmah down there. Simmah down.

I will admit the adjustment to the new routine was challenging and took time for me to come up with. I haven't exactly had the least busy summer in the world.

The realization hit me about how precious time not spent at work is and how limited it really is when kiddos are in bed at 8 p.m. and you actually want to know what they did in school that day. When you want to sit down and eat dinner with them and make them laugh.  When I work until 5, that gives me 3 hours when I am spending time with them to...spend time with them! Do family stuff. Be shown a new stuffed animal; read a book.

However, I know that I am a better person when I have that time to exercise rigorously ~ I am more patient, more focused. Less irritable and more playful. My favorite time to exercise - where I feel my strongest -  is actually right after work. That's the busiest time at my gym, as well, because I am, apparently, not the only person who feels that way.  Now, if I went to the gym every day after work, I wouldn't be done until at least 6 p.m. It was also frustrating to have to wait to use equipment; sometimes I'd just leave without doing certain exercises I was really looking forward to doing because someone would be hogging the squat rack for the better of an hour.

I am also not a person to get up and work out at 6 a.m.  I value my time snuggling in bed with my loved one; I also value staying up later in the evening with her after the kidlets are asleep. So, no, I won't be waking up at 5 a.m. like some of you heroes out there do!  God bless you; you da real MVP.

So, after struggling much of the summer with a sporadic workout routine and schedule, I decided that I'd go to the gym during my lunch time, if I wasn't going to kickbox either at home or attend a class one evening. This means that I have to get to work at 8 a.m. instead of 8:30, so I can take an entire hour lunch break as opposed to our standard half hour.  But note, I can't do this every single day. Sometimes appointments are structured in a way where I can't take an entire hour without it being a strain. But there's no reason why once or twice a week it can't happen.

What I've found is this:  THERE IS HARDLY ANYONE THERE AT LUNCH TIME. Which means...I can legit get what I want to get done in 30 minutes instead of an hour. I hustle; I don't break. I super-set EVERYTHING so I can hit all the opposing muscle groups and keep the party going. I also have plenty of time to stretch, which is super important because I sit at a desk much of the work day. Then, I go back to work, clean up, get re-dressed in my office attire, eat my lunch, and go about my day as normal.

It's awesome. And I feel strong and focused for the rest of the day.

So, to end this blog...we all have 24 hours in a day to get life done. I am sacrificing my lunch hour sometimes to workout, instead of eating at my desk and surfing the web.  Why? Because it works for me. Because I deserve that time. Because I want to be my best self for me, #1, and for those I love around me. Because a family isn't an excuse to not care about myself; I care about myself for my family. I have been carving out that time for me steadily over the past couple of weeks and it has taken me from wondering if I should go back on antidepressants to feeling mentally healthy again. Now that I'm back from vacation, I'm looking forward to getting back to it.  #NoExcuses

"So...when are you going to have children?"

The question that plagues child-free women everywhere.

It was even mentioned to me while I was on vacation this past week. I was asked why I didn't have any of my own and to come back to the store sometime when I have my own children.

Since the clerk at the register seemed very interested in what was or wasn't happening in my own body, I told him that I couldn't have kids.  End of story. I just don't think that whether one has, wants, or is planning to have children in the future is an acceptable inquiry from a complete stranger.

Anyway. Let's back up a bit. So, a few things you may or may not have known about me that I'd rather make clear so it all makes sense:

• I am a bisexual woman; Yes, I am divorcing a man and have been in a relationship with a woman for the past few months.
• I have staunchly maintained a childfree mindset and lifestyle for the past 10 or so years.
• Up until recently, I was not even interested in ever being with someone that had children. Fun fact: That's how my ex-husband and I first bonded on Match.com ~ our mutual desire to be childfree.

So, imagine me now, with someone who has two young children.  (Listen, when I said 2017 was a year of big changes, I very, VERY much meant it. I'm excited to share it all with you!)

With her permission, I am going to honestly share what it's like to be me in this situation...purely for your amusement. Especially if you have children of your own. 

First of all - it's weird to think of me being in a parental role. I feel entirely too silly of a person to be in charge of little humans. I'm 33, but people I graduated high school with have teenagers by now and seem to be ROCKIN' their family life like it ain't no big deal. I still feel too young to be wrangling a 5 and 7 year old in. I don't think I will ever feel whatever age parenthood is supposed to feel like.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, we went on a family vacation together. Let's call this Baptism by Fire.

Three whole days of the beach, the water park, the boardwalk at Wildwood, NJ. I got to experience us arriving at 3 a.m. on Monday morning, snagging the overtired kids around noontime from their grandparents, and dealing with the disappointment of a rainy day. Thankfully, E and J are wonderful and we went to a used book store and we all got books! Yasssss, they like books! 

We could've stayed in there forever, but 9 books later we were headed to the nearest Dunkin Donuts in the pouring rain with kids who can't keep their hands off of each other, can't stop tattling, can't stop bitching. Holy moly - all that takes up a lot of mental space. You parents that are used to that after years of exposure - God bless you. I'm only about 4 months in and I catch myself wanting to tell them exactly what's up but they are so young. Too young to really understand how none of that squabbling and tattling matters in life. How little it matters if J held E's slinky when she wasn't playing with it. How it does not change the world in the slightest if one crosses their eyes at the other.

But the moments of running with them in the rain from the car to the inside of Dunkin to grab much needed coffee and donuts; hearing them laugh their heads off at corny jokes and bad dance moves; having E give me her Fluffy to sleep with so I won't be lonely...those moments are shockingly sweet. I used to smile, nod, and pretend I understood when people tried to explain that to me about parenthood. Now I feel that.

Here's Fluffy ~ my Guardian.

Family vacations are really about what the kids want to do. 100% of the time; except for nap time. What is it with kids and not wanting to take naps? What exactly are they worried about missing?  If you ask E or J if they're tired, even if you just caught them nodding off at the table, them little boogers will LIE to you and tell you NO, they are NOT!

What is this nonsense? If I could take a nap every day, I WOULD and I'd be damned proud to have made the time!

Nap time is what makes the evenings easier to handle when we're just as tired as the little ones. Yet, this is not something you can explain to young children; the fact that you are JUST as tired as they are and have the same tolerance level.

Because sometimes I want to do this, too:

Imagine it with sound.  A lot of sound, because I'm a lot larger than a 5 year old.

Kids just want to go.  They aren't hungry, but when they are, it's only after you've gotten yourself something delicious to eat. They whine for a hot dog, but when they get it, they want a pretzel instead. They want to snatch what their sibling is eating without asking, even though they insisted they weren't hungry. They eat 5 bites of their ice cream cone, decide it's too cold to hang on to and ask you to hang onto it instead. They hand you their garbage, despite the garbage can right next to them. They hand you their toys they wanted to play with once they're done hanging on to them. Their legs hurt after a long day of running, jumping, playing ~ they want your tired-ass to carry them.

And then when you get back to the room, they beg you to take silly photos and you end up laughing your ass off because...right before your eyes...a little human is growing up into their individual personality. A personality which is unique and beautiful and, yes, at times, super duper annoying. But lovely.  Just so lovely.

Biting the Hand that Fed You...

I have eluded to the type of year 2017 is shaping up to be numerous times. Maybe it's even sounded like a broken record, but while 2016 may have ravaged you - this year is shaping and changing me.  When it's all over with, I may have a few extra grey hairs...but guess what?  I'm going to proudly sport those bitches and strut my stuff on into 2018.

Because this year is all about cleaning house! I've been working very diligently on cleaning up my home life, my career life, my mental state.

I want to get real for a minute ~ because I am hot, hot, hot right now.  Fuming, actually...because a big - HUGE - trend this year is "biting the hand that feeds."

Let me explain.

When it comes to my divorce, my ex still has not closed on the refinance of our marital residence, which should've been completed by 6/30. I have been nothing but patient, kind - allowing him to reside there, getting whatever documentation he has needed in order to take the mortgage loan, which is solely in my name, so the house can be his. I accepted a lump sum payment to be due upon the closing.

The lump sum isn't even half of what the equity is in the home but honestly? I don't want to fight over nickles and dimes. I didn't want to be one of "those" people that I've dealt with so many times in my job.  I didn't want to fight! But, I want what's fair - my credit, my financial records - that is what got us that home. My two jobs to have a down payment. My income to support us when things were tight.

At any time, I could have assumed ownership of this house but I honestly wanted him to retain it for the purpose of the dogs we had together. They are big dogs and they don't deserve to be cramped in an apartment. Not only that, the big garage on the property is super helpful for my ex's construction business. I wanted him to have those things so he could continue on with his life.

I don't know why I care or why I have been so nice - I could've been the bitch I was painted to be. But when we began going through the first steps of our separation, I told myself I wanted to behave in a way that I could sleep well at night. I wanted to behave in a way that when I meet my Maker someday that I am not ashamed of my actions in this situation. So, I have.  But today...oh boy, today? I am fuming mad, mostly at myself for thinking that we could work together as a team to resolve things fairly. For caring about his and the dogs' needs. For being patient and waiting. For being understanding.

Biting the hand that feeds.  I swear, I should have no fingers left.

I even got this when I exited ILKB. I have not talked about this publicly. I left because my life outside needed more attention that my job. I wasn't feeling like I was in a good place mentally; I wanted to have a life and the ability to focus more on it to take care of the myriad of things that have been added to my plate. I was grieving the loss of some pretty large things in my life, all while being super excited about the possibilities in all of it.

Everything was fine when I gave my notice, and I was honest about my situation and what I needed for me.  I was not allowed to finish my shifts. I was abruptly cut off and nothing was done to even acknowledge my time there. I, who welcomed the very first people to walk through the doors when ILKB opened, was not really appreciated for a single thing.  Oh, while I worked there, I was fluffed up.  I was told that I was loved - how awesome I was, how amazing.  I won Franchise Manager of the Year in 2016.

The staff that I hand-picked, hired and believed in? Most of them ditched me completely; my assistant manager blocked me on social media, after profusely telling me she'd always be there for me, that she loved me, was super sad I was leaving...but understood I had to do it for me. The new assistant manager deleted me off of social media. I did nothing, to my knowledge, to these girls and in return, rumors were spread about me. I was accused of not training, not doing my job, stealing.  I was hounded about different records that the new management had in their possession even 4 weeks after I was into my new job. I was gossipped about, and that really hurt, especially in a time of my life where there seemed to be so much adversarity and difficulty.

These were people I spent a great deal of time with; people that I cared about. People that cried to me, that I cried to back. We knew a great deal about each other's personal lives because we were all, what I thought, friends. However ~ knowing all the things I was going through, I was judged and talked about, kicked out of the members' group and not welcomed back to even take classes.  If you were one of the many that asked me why I haven't been back to take classes, this is why! I can finally say it because who cares. Why should I care who knows about what happened anymore? I don't owe anyone anything.

I sacrificed my time, my body, my emotions...hell, my ex would even say my entire marriage (which isn't entirely true)...for that career. I got a lot out of it though. I got great leadership and marketing experience. I got to meet some fabulous, amazing people. I got to meet and fall in love with my partner. I got a clearer perspective on what I want out of my life and what mistakes to hopefully not make again in the future. For all of that, I will never regret a single second of it. But I still can be mad as heck and still nurse some hurt over all the things 2017 has brought to me so far that's negative.

So, today, I am feeling the only finger I have left from all the chewing is my middle one.

From a bad week to a great one!

"Life's funny sometimes..."

More like all the time.

Grab a snack, a drink, and sit down while I share with you parts of last week.

It started off with a filling falling out over the weekend. No big deal but it was uncomfortable and it rubbed until I could get it filled on Wednesday morning. I opted for no Novocaine, so while it wasn't unnecessarily painful, it was uncomfortable and super cold. My teeth are sensitive because apparently I brush my teeth like they've offended me in some way, despite using a soft bristled toothbrush.

At that appointment, the dentist recommended I see an oral surgeon to have them check my tongue for oral cancer. Some of you may know this but it's an anxious habit of mine to bite the taste buds off of my tongue. I don't even realize I am doing it most of the time. I did relay that to my dentist but she wants me to get checked out anyway just because while she's confident it's nothing, it's nice to just have a second look. 

Okay.

Thursday night, I had an ultrasound on my pelvis for pelvic pain. They saw that I have a cyst on my left ovary; the pain from that is what brought me in because it seems to have gotten worse over the past few months. I can even feel it during certain exercises at this point which is weird. I find that I need to be careful with lower ab exercises and when I feel the discomfort to just move slower and with more control.

Then my girlfriend's apartment complex gave her a hard time about her watching Adam during the day; apparently neighbors complained about her having two dogs. Sigh.  Adam doesn't live there - he just plays there or at my place since she doesn't work Monday through Friday and why keep him in a crate? So we were faced with that dilemma, but really, it's not a huge deal. It was a minor annoyance on top of other things.

Meanwhile, yes, my divorce is still going on. But that was a positive event of last week; finding out that my ex-husband can refinance was a huge win! I'm so happy we're moving toward a resolution and I'm just proud of him for getting himself to a point where he could refinance.

Last week it was hard to keep positive with medical issues weighing on me. I cried at my ultrasound because I wondered after such a nerve-wracking day, why I opted to go to that appointment alone. Why didn't I ask someone to come with me? Why am I determined to do most things alone?  I just wanted to catch a break.

But I knew the stress over troubles would only just last the week. It's just funny how things pile on and pile on until you just have to break down and cry.  It's amazing how I can feel so blessed in countless ways but at the same time overwhelmed and frustrated.

This week is very different. So many good things!  Our sales have picked up on Etsy. I am getting a small windfall of cash from a refund of a doctor's fee I paid a year ago. The weather's amazing - hot, but amazing. I have a fabulous relationship where I can be my crazy self, a great job, a growing business, a very cool network of people surrounding me.

This is the break I was craving last week but am getting now - I just had to keep pulling through, despite feeling like the world was taking a huge dump on me.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm sharing this - I don't know. I feel compelled to because we all struggle with different things and sometimes we do it silently. I just want to say ~ it's okay to struggle. It's okay to feel like things are just not right. But keep positive - keep moving forward, and enjoy the good things that happen along the way. Big or small.

Life...upcycled

It's a goal this summer to really just enjoy it.

Get outside!  Get a tan!  Make sure that having fun is more of a priority.

I struggle with this because I am always working toward something.  Over the past couple of weeks, USUpcycled became a real thing. A d/b/a, a sales tax certification, a display in a shop in Waterford. Goals, dreams, self-imposed deadlines. I've always had that hustle; that's what has made me a valuable employee over the past decade.

I can't help but remember how my ex-husband didn't value my ideas and questions when it came to his business. He would always tell me I didn't know, I didn't understand because I didn't have a business of my own. He didn't believe in me ~ well, this future success is for you and all the others that were dismissive and unsupportive  ~ you are a part of my motivation.

Success is in front of me - in all aspects.

And so are the moments of sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee and a kick-ass jar of overnight oats.  Seriously - take advantage of the abundance around us - rhubarb is everywhere.  Pick it and make strawberry rhubarb overnight oats.  It's amazing.

I still make the time to be a better, healthier me - with my girl who hates her picture taken. We lift, we take difficult HIIT classes, we play with our boxing gloves on Friday nights at the Y because there aren't classes going on. And we eat everything.  That's something we gotta work on but I'm finding it so fun to just enjoy life as the moments come. To be me, not have to worry about being a role model for others.

Fitness has and will always be a big part of my life and passion. Just because I no longer instruct classes now doesn't mean I gave up or that I would never go back to personal training/group training in the future.

Cheers to life in 2017 being refocused, revamped and upcycled 💜💜💜