Biting the Hand that Fed You...

I have eluded to the type of year 2017 is shaping up to be numerous times. Maybe it's even sounded like a broken record, but while 2016 may have ravaged you - this year is shaping and changing me.  When it's all over with, I may have a few extra grey hairs...but guess what?  I'm going to proudly sport those bitches and strut my stuff on into 2018.

Because this year is all about cleaning house! I've been working very diligently on cleaning up my home life, my career life, my mental state.

I want to get real for a minute ~ because I am hot, hot, hot right now.  Fuming, actually...because a big - HUGE - trend this year is "biting the hand that feeds."

Let me explain.

When it comes to my divorce, my ex still has not closed on the refinance of our marital residence, which should've been completed by 6/30. I have been nothing but patient, kind - allowing him to reside there, getting whatever documentation he has needed in order to take the mortgage loan, which is solely in my name, so the house can be his. I accepted a lump sum payment to be due upon the closing.

The lump sum isn't even half of what the equity is in the home but honestly? I don't want to fight over nickles and dimes. I didn't want to be one of "those" people that I've dealt with so many times in my job.  I didn't want to fight! But, I want what's fair - my credit, my financial records - that is what got us that home. My two jobs to have a down payment. My income to support us when things were tight.

At any time, I could have assumed ownership of this house but I honestly wanted him to retain it for the purpose of the dogs we had together. They are big dogs and they don't deserve to be cramped in an apartment. Not only that, the big garage on the property is super helpful for my ex's construction business. I wanted him to have those things so he could continue on with his life.

I don't know why I care or why I have been so nice - I could've been the bitch I was painted to be. But when we began going through the first steps of our separation, I told myself I wanted to behave in a way that I could sleep well at night. I wanted to behave in a way that when I meet my Maker someday that I am not ashamed of my actions in this situation. So, I have.  But today...oh boy, today? I am fuming mad, mostly at myself for thinking that we could work together as a team to resolve things fairly. For caring about his and the dogs' needs. For being patient and waiting. For being understanding.

Biting the hand that feeds.  I swear, I should have no fingers left.

I even got this when I exited ILKB. I have not talked about this publicly. I left because my life outside needed more attention that my job. I wasn't feeling like I was in a good place mentally; I wanted to have a life and the ability to focus more on it to take care of the myriad of things that have been added to my plate. I was grieving the loss of some pretty large things in my life, all while being super excited about the possibilities in all of it.

Everything was fine when I gave my notice, and I was honest about my situation and what I needed for me.  I was not allowed to finish my shifts. I was abruptly cut off and nothing was done to even acknowledge my time there. I, who welcomed the very first people to walk through the doors when ILKB opened, was not really appreciated for a single thing.  Oh, while I worked there, I was fluffed up.  I was told that I was loved - how awesome I was, how amazing.  I won Franchise Manager of the Year in 2016.

The staff that I hand-picked, hired and believed in? Most of them ditched me completely; my assistant manager blocked me on social media, after profusely telling me she'd always be there for me, that she loved me, was super sad I was leaving...but understood I had to do it for me. The new assistant manager deleted me off of social media. I did nothing, to my knowledge, to these girls and in return, rumors were spread about me. I was accused of not training, not doing my job, stealing.  I was hounded about different records that the new management had in their possession even 4 weeks after I was into my new job. I was gossipped about, and that really hurt, especially in a time of my life where there seemed to be so much adversarity and difficulty.

These were people I spent a great deal of time with; people that I cared about. People that cried to me, that I cried to back. We knew a great deal about each other's personal lives because we were all, what I thought, friends. However ~ knowing all the things I was going through, I was judged and talked about, kicked out of the members' group and not welcomed back to even take classes.  If you were one of the many that asked me why I haven't been back to take classes, this is why! I can finally say it because who cares. Why should I care who knows about what happened anymore? I don't owe anyone anything.

I sacrificed my time, my body, my emotions...hell, my ex would even say my entire marriage (which isn't entirely true)...for that career. I got a lot out of it though. I got great leadership and marketing experience. I got to meet some fabulous, amazing people. I got to meet and fall in love with my partner. I got a clearer perspective on what I want out of my life and what mistakes to hopefully not make again in the future. For all of that, I will never regret a single second of it. But I still can be mad as heck and still nurse some hurt over all the things 2017 has brought to me so far that's negative.

So, today, I am feeling the only finger I have left from all the chewing is my middle one.

From a bad week to a great one!

"Life's funny sometimes..."

More like all the time.

Grab a snack, a drink, and sit down while I share with you parts of last week.

It started off with a filling falling out over the weekend. No big deal but it was uncomfortable and it rubbed until I could get it filled on Wednesday morning. I opted for no Novocaine, so while it wasn't unnecessarily painful, it was uncomfortable and super cold. My teeth are sensitive because apparently I brush my teeth like they've offended me in some way, despite using a soft bristled toothbrush.

At that appointment, the dentist recommended I see an oral surgeon to have them check my tongue for oral cancer. Some of you may know this but it's an anxious habit of mine to bite the taste buds off of my tongue. I don't even realize I am doing it most of the time. I did relay that to my dentist but she wants me to get checked out anyway just because while she's confident it's nothing, it's nice to just have a second look. 

Okay.

Thursday night, I had an ultrasound on my pelvis for pelvic pain. They saw that I have a cyst on my left ovary; the pain from that is what brought me in because it seems to have gotten worse over the past few months. I can even feel it during certain exercises at this point which is weird. I find that I need to be careful with lower ab exercises and when I feel the discomfort to just move slower and with more control.

Then my girlfriend's apartment complex gave her a hard time about her watching Adam during the day; apparently neighbors complained about her having two dogs. Sigh.  Adam doesn't live there - he just plays there or at my place since she doesn't work Monday through Friday and why keep him in a crate? So we were faced with that dilemma, but really, it's not a huge deal. It was a minor annoyance on top of other things.

Meanwhile, yes, my divorce is still going on. But that was a positive event of last week; finding out that my ex-husband can refinance was a huge win! I'm so happy we're moving toward a resolution and I'm just proud of him for getting himself to a point where he could refinance.

Last week it was hard to keep positive with medical issues weighing on me. I cried at my ultrasound because I wondered after such a nerve-wracking day, why I opted to go to that appointment alone. Why didn't I ask someone to come with me? Why am I determined to do most things alone?  I just wanted to catch a break.

But I knew the stress over troubles would only just last the week. It's just funny how things pile on and pile on until you just have to break down and cry.  It's amazing how I can feel so blessed in countless ways but at the same time overwhelmed and frustrated.

This week is very different. So many good things!  Our sales have picked up on Etsy. I am getting a small windfall of cash from a refund of a doctor's fee I paid a year ago. The weather's amazing - hot, but amazing. I have a fabulous relationship where I can be my crazy self, a great job, a growing business, a very cool network of people surrounding me.

This is the break I was craving last week but am getting now - I just had to keep pulling through, despite feeling like the world was taking a huge dump on me.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm sharing this - I don't know. I feel compelled to because we all struggle with different things and sometimes we do it silently. I just want to say ~ it's okay to struggle. It's okay to feel like things are just not right. But keep positive - keep moving forward, and enjoy the good things that happen along the way. Big or small.

Life...upcycled

It's a goal this summer to really just enjoy it.

Get outside!  Get a tan!  Make sure that having fun is more of a priority.

I struggle with this because I am always working toward something.  Over the past couple of weeks, USUpcycled became a real thing. A d/b/a, a sales tax certification, a display in a shop in Waterford. Goals, dreams, self-imposed deadlines. I've always had that hustle; that's what has made me a valuable employee over the past decade.

I can't help but remember how my ex-husband didn't value my ideas and questions when it came to his business. He would always tell me I didn't know, I didn't understand because I didn't have a business of my own. He didn't believe in me ~ well, this future success is for you and all the others that were dismissive and unsupportive  ~ you are a part of my motivation.

Success is in front of me - in all aspects.

And so are the moments of sitting on my couch with a cup of coffee and a kick-ass jar of overnight oats.  Seriously - take advantage of the abundance around us - rhubarb is everywhere.  Pick it and make strawberry rhubarb overnight oats.  It's amazing.

I still make the time to be a better, healthier me - with my girl who hates her picture taken. We lift, we take difficult HIIT classes, we play with our boxing gloves on Friday nights at the Y because there aren't classes going on. And we eat everything.  That's something we gotta work on but I'm finding it so fun to just enjoy life as the moments come. To be me, not have to worry about being a role model for others.

Fitness has and will always be a big part of my life and passion. Just because I no longer instruct classes now doesn't mean I gave up or that I would never go back to personal training/group training in the future.

Cheers to life in 2017 being refocused, revamped and upcycled 💜💜💜

...but really? No one does.

Raise your hand if you have looked at someone else and assumed they have their sh*t together!

I do it all the time. If you get out of a clean, shiny expensive car...

If you are well-dressed and groomed...

If you hold down a high profile, highly stressful job and can still easily smile at the person who is ringing out your groceries - I assume you have a great job and a great life. I don't assume it's perfect but I look at you and think you got it together. Go you!

And a lot of the time when I am making these decisions about what kind of life you must lead in my head, I am comparing you at what may be your best with me at my worst.  With my paycheck-to-paycheck life because I can be rather impulsive.  With my forgetfulness and lack of concept of time. With the $50 I still owe EZPass but keep neglecting to pay, despite getting a few hate letters from them and what they call a "permanent suspension."  What?  We'll see about that, EZPass.  We'll see.

Sigh.  I am comparing what you put on display to the small, silly details of my life I don't have a grasp on.  Let's face it - no one really has it all together all the time. Life has too many moving parts and I don't care how fabulous of a multi-tasker you are; you're bound to fudge it up somehow.

There's never a better time to realize this than when you're at an event with an open bar....like at a wedding! Once the alcohol is flowing, suddenly people let their guards down and you're able to - if you're reasonably sober, that is - really see what people are struggling with because they'll just come out and tell you.

You could be a complete stranger to them or know them distantly but when drinks are had, sometimes people just need to talk it out.  The facade of quintessential adulthood comes down and their inner demons come out - it makes me think that maybe people need to be more connected to each other.  There's no reason why we should hold anything inside of us and let it come roaring out when we can't seem to control our impulses anymore. It's embarrassing; I've been there. I used to be the drunk without a filter.  I used to be the person who'd wake up the next morning and wonder if I'd have any friends left because I acted out of line. It's an ugly feeling.

So this weekend I learned about a few people.  People who you'd look at and say "Man, they just have it all GOING ON!"  Newsflash:  They don't.  They are struggling with different things just as you are.  As I am.  As your cousin is.

I spoke with someone this weekend who's struggling with PTSD; you'd never know it in passing. But they did things in their military duties that haunt them.

I spoke with someone who's still mourning their divorce; trying to find the affection and validation in others that is missing from their life. Fun story - this person leaned in and tried to kiss me, knowing full well my date was there. It made me sad ~ I know what it's like to feel discarded. But that rejection must have felt strange the next morning, if they remember it at all. Been there. Done that. Hid the t-shirt.

My message is this: No one has it all together. We all have various layers of life we're wrestling with and we how we handle it is all different. So if your life is what you would consider "a mess" right now, don't bother comparing it with others. It's all a mess and it'll all be okay.

New Life.

It's been a while.

I've been, pretty much, just 3 different places:  Home, work, or the YMCA.  I've been doing exactly what I want to do when I want to do it.

But yet, I've found myself worried about the convenience of others rather than the convenience to myself - almost apologetic that maybe the ideas I have may adversely impact others. The associate attorney in the firm brought this to my attention the other day when I was discussing the moving of files that I'm working on into my office - her words were:  You do what you want to do, dude. They're your files. 

It's really such a simple thing, but I suppose I was used to having to tiptoe around my ideas and present them in such a way to others so they'd be more receptive. I'm aware that I can appear brash, blunt, stubborn and, at times, obsessive. I get it in my head I want to do something and all be damned...I'm going to do it.

That won't change, but there's no need to apologize for the basic personality traits that have gotten me this far in life.

Speaking of things that I won't apologize for...I've been spending obscene amounts of time making, fixing, re-creating, re-thinking things...here's my latest project in my studio (YES, I'm going to begin referring to my craft room as my studio!):

Before:

This is what it looked like once I got it out of the frame.  Broken, sad, "nobody-wanted-me" 3D wall art from TjMaxx.  It was heavily clearanced to $12 and I knew I was up for the creative challenge.

Current (not completed):

I'm still working on the embellishments and hope to finish that part up today.  After that, a minor clean up, back it goes into a very nice glass frame and BOOM!  A sellable, very unique piece of upcycled art that soothed my soul to work on. Much better than letting it end up in the trash, wouldn't you say?

Projects like this is what really made me want to start my own Etsy shop - USUpcycled.  I wanted to take old, perhaps broken things, and turn them back into something beautiful and useful.

It goes along with my view on people. We are lead astray, we fall, we make mistakes, we royally screw things up. But we can be restored; forgiven. Every day we can can wake up and decide to be different. We can be upcycled humans, too.

Not Wasting a Pain

I literally just got home from church and felt so compelled, so inspired, after today's message that I knew had to write a blog about this.

Today's message was about...

~Our greatest ministry will come through your greatest pain.~

In essence, the hard times in our life (that are often the most gut-wrenching and embarrassing) should be used to help others who are going through similar difficult times. Because who else can help you the best besides someone who's been through the same thing you're going through?

At my previous job, because it is a brand, it was in the brand's best interest for me, and others representing the brand, to not talk about certain things. Which means if we were going through a rough time in life, it was just better to push it aside and pretend it wasn't happening. We cultivated our individual selves into a brand; it was our job to make our lives sound appealing, desirable ~ effing off-the-wall amazing all the time.

Life's really not always that way.  And I don't mean for this prelude to sound harsh toward my previous employment because, believe me, I did find comfort in keeping my troubles largely anonymous.

So, here is part of the story for my greatest pain.  Written as honestly as possible, in hopes that maybe it will help someone.

From the summer 2016 until the end of 2016, my marriage was falling apart.  The first time Trevor and I talked about divorce, it was sometime in June or July.  We just weren't connecting at all.  We had different goals, different views on just about everything. Some of his opinions made me cringe; some of the ways he spoke about and referred to people made me cringe. On my end, it was hard to truly realize that I wasn't making our relationship a priority.  This was making him feel as if he was lower on the totem pole of importance compared to other things in my life.

It was an ugly thing to realize because yes, I was just going through the motions of a good wife. I was doing all the housework (he'd disagree with this but I don't have to argue with him anymore), helping him, doing things for him to try and make his life easier.  But, I wasn't passionate about him or with him because I wasn't getting what I needed. Help. Time. I was tired, because on top of managing a successful gym, I was managing the entire household and, it felt like, the entire marriage on my own.

I then thought things were getting better. I knew where I could do better and I made the steps toward that. I took time off from work to have date nights, I was amenable to marital counseling. I made an effort to be kinder. To listen more. To be present more - physically and emotionally.

And then came November.

The worst month probably ever.  Except for February of this year, when my best friend, FeeBee, died.

November was terrible. Trevor was trying new medicine for depression and anxiety and he hated how he felt. I don't blame him but since I've been there myself twice in my life, I urged him to just keep taking it and wait it out. Wait for his body to adjust so he could really begin feeling better. Whatever help he was giving me around the house completely stopped. He got mean, picking fights with me whenever I came home from work. He'd often be sleeping when I got home - whatever time of the day it was. He'd cry a lot. One day he didn't move from the floor in front of our fireplace. One day I had to put him in the shower and lay out his clothes because he was too frazzled. I didn't see him go to work; according to him he was delayed in his part of a particular job because of issues with the materials, which often happens to contractors. So, he didn't really have any distraction from whatever he was going through mentally. He just had to sit in it. His seriousness in counseling wanned.

So that was all going on at home while I managed a studio and still tried to squeak in my own workouts. It was tough because he hated my job, blamed it for the changes in me, and didn't appear to enjoy when I left the house. Those feelings he had about everything were amplified in November.

I missed my best friend's 40th birthday. I felt guilty about attending a party for a staff member who was leaving New York to go back home to Massachusetts.  I felt trapped and while I know I had people to confide in, I felt like my life was embarrassing at this point.  Chaotic.  Dramatic.  Not a life that someone should look up to or feel inspired by.  So I wasn't completely honest about what was going on to anyone, really. No one person got the entire story while it was happening.  Despite all this, I felt very resolute in weathering the storm because marriage vows, to me, should be held sacred.

But then I just started to be really honest with myself in December. A series of small, unwise decisions lead me (us) to illegal activities that could have gotten us in big trouble. I had allowed, step by step, for certain things to happen and suddenly it was like a slap in the face: I was not who my parents raised me to be. I was not someone who I could honestly say I looked up to; I was not the role model I was portraying myself as. I had a face for work, a face for home, and a face for church.

Any more than one face is too many.

I was embarrassed by my life and he and I got on board with putting that in our past and moving forward. But he struggled with it. What we had been doing was a huge part of his life for so long and it was tough for him to move on. That probably caused him to become meaner. Because if November sucked, December wasn't any better. December was the month, after listening for what felt like the one millionth time over the past month and a half about what a piece of garbage wife I was, I was like - no more.

I'm not perfect. I know my role in the downfall of our marriage but I refuse to tolerate anyone speaking to me like I am less. Like I am solely to blame. Own your life; take responsibility for the parts of it that you could've made better but didn't.

Then his mother arrived for the Christmas holidays. He and I were on good speaking terms, still residing in the same household, knowing that I was seeking to leave before the year ended. She put him up in a hotel and the amicable relationship Trevor and I had ended. Sometime during this, my dad had called Trevor to make sure he was all right. Trevor's mother, whom I had felt close with, had nothing to say to me. I received no calls, texts, or e-mails. I did not matter. But I am proud of my family - of my dad, who loved Trevor enough to call and see if he was all right, knowing what I was going through. I am proud to have been raised by caring people.

Over the course of three days I saw an apartment, signed a lease, and moved in. There was a moment when I signed my lease that I called Trevor and cried; everything seemed so final. So abruptly cut off. But he hadn't been home in 3 days because his mother had arrived. He told me he was not concerned with how I felt because all he was focused on was getting better.

I couldn't believe that this big life change was happening to me. I felt embarrassed that I had a marriage that survived just a little over two years. It seemed sad and pathetic to me. How could I teach classes and show people what a great life looked like if mine was falling apart?

I really wanted to talk about it.

I was also waiting for the shoe to drop. I was waiting for the breakdown that every divorced woman I've talked to says happens. I was waiting for the roller coaster of emotions; I was waiting for the loneliness to sink in.  I did have a moment, after I unpacked everything, of - holy crap. This is my new life. And then I moved on. The depression didn't kick in. I was honestly more stressed and depressed in my marriage than I was living on my own.

I threw myself into my work.

Then, the day I was to do a bridal show for work, I got a bogus proposed Separation Agreement from him that was insulting. Helllooo legal fees and divorce squabbles that I swore I'd never be a part of. Yet, I had to turn on a smile and be excited for future brides and grooms for their wedding days. The second couple I spoke with were getting married on 9/28 - which is the day I got married. God has a big sense of humor, I tell you.

I joined a Growth Group through church that was ladies-only and the topic was about relationships and successful marriages. I was the only one in the group who was going through or had been through a divorce. Everyone else was either married or single. I felt like I stuck out - like a failure before I had even introduced myself. Gradually, as I got to know these ladies and they got to know me, I felt differently and the feelings of shame and embarrassment waned. I changed my perspective on the entire thing; I chose to take the time to learn more about how I could avoid the same mistakes I had made in the past and create a better relationship in my future.

Then, FeeBee died and this rocked my world. Burying my dog was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it made all the other difficulties seem vibrant and real. She died on a Saturday and I worked on Monday, trying to teach classes like it didn't happen.

2017 was off to an amazing start.  It was like a country song.

Meanwhile, members of the studio, staff, friends - they were all somehow proud of me for keeping my shit together during times of high stress. How I was handling it, as one said "like a boss."  I still somewhat felt judged if I had a moment of weakness. As a manager, I felt it was my duty to show everyone that I can make it through it all; that nothing could get me down. If I cried, if I stressed...I sensed that it made others uncomfortable and I wanted to be a good role model.

I didn't feel like I was keeping anything together; I felt myself unraveling, especially after FeeBee died. I didn't want to go about life the same way any longer. When asked, I insisted that I was managing everything just fine.  But honestly, my passions were changing directions and I felt a lot slipping through my fingertips. It was time for another big change.

So, I left my job and began my old career-path again. Normal work hours, minimal responsibilities...and now I am helping others through their divorces and tough times, feeling more equipped than ever to do so.  Why? Because I'm going through it, too. 

We're going into May and I am still no closer to being divorced than I was months ago. Because there is a home involved, in order for Trevor to have it, he has to refinance and I believe he's afraid to. It's in his best interest to delay. Meanwhile I just want to move on with my life in a fair way. I want to close that messy chapter of my life. I want to say goodbye to the chaos that ruled my life for nearly an entire year now.

I found myself giving a divorce client some sage advice the other day. I told him to find something else to do with his time than brood about the snowblower that he says his ex-wife stole out of the garage when he wasn't looking. Years ago, I wouldn't have said this because I wouldn't have known what to say. I couldn't have related. But that's how I made it through things - I kept busy, I kept my head down, and I did my best to just plow right through all the hard times I've gone through so far this year.

I have great faith and hope for my future.  THAT is not a lie or an exaggeration. When people have expressed to me that they're sorry I'm going through a divorce, I can honestly say I am not sorry. I truly feel that God brought me to all of these troubles so that I could better help others. But that doesn't mean it's always pretty or politically correct.

It doesn't mean that I don't get embarrassed sometimes at how messy my life may look from those viewing it from the outside, as I try and start two new businesses, work a full time job, raise a puppy, and navigate an unconventional relationship.  But Pastor Roscoe said it right tonight:  Any friends I may have lost (or may be losing even by writing this blog) aren't those I really want to keep around me anyway. Who wants a judgmental friend?

So this, my friends, is a glimpse into my real life. Some of my own "3 a.m." moments.

Oh girl, ain't nobody got time for dat...

Hi again!

It's been over a week since my last blog and holy moly - life just keeps changing and getting better!

I'm finally starting to feel like I'm in a routine. This morning, I woke up to the sun shining, to an amazing workout, to an amazing lunch out at a park with friends...and I felt alive.  Awake. Unhurried and unstressed.  These feelings had been missing for some time as my body got acclimated with regular work and sleep hours and a lot less physical activity. So today I feel like I finally hit a stride.

But I've been pretty busy.  Finally, we launched the Etsy shop!  So far, we have a bunch of shoe/glove deodorizers up...and we have more tricks up our sleeves!

Can I just say how freakin' pumped I am to have an Etsy shop? I LOVE to create and I can't express how amazing it feels to be doing more of that.

So, the name?  USUpcycled - it's a play on the name of this blog, in a way.  It stands for Unapologetically Stacey - Upcycled.  Because "unapologetically" is a semi-complicated word, I went with the initials instead.  And, of course "upcycled" because I love giving new life to items; giving them new use and purpose.  Not everything on the site will be from recycled materials, but it is my general goal.

The other thought behind the name is that since it's a collaborative effort between my friend and I (the "Us"), and, I can't lie - this is a big year of change for us both.  So, think of "us" as being a bit "upcycled", too. Renewed, being remade into something beautiful.

I've also been ordering things to make my office at work seem more "me". This is going on my desk tomorrow, along with new organizational paraphernalia that is hiding in the blue canvas baskets.

And I've been trying to ignore and avoid the negativity that seems to be going around! It's hard sometimes because I do take things to heart. But I have to remind myself that not everyone feels the way that I do ~ and in a hundred years, we'll all know the truth.  (Right, Dad?)  

There's a reason why I have that quote tattooed on my arm; it is a great reminder to me not to get too wrapped up in the drama because, in the end, none of it really matters.

So that's the update on my life, in a nutshell. Creating, finding my rhythm, being as present as possible and avoiding things that subtract from my life instead of add to it.