"So...when are you going to have children?"

The question that plagues child-free women everywhere.

It was even mentioned to me while I was on vacation this past week. I was asked why I didn't have any of my own and to come back to the store sometime when I have my own children.

Since the clerk at the register seemed very interested in what was or wasn't happening in my own body, I told him that I couldn't have kids.  End of story. I just don't think that whether one has, wants, or is planning to have children in the future is an acceptable inquiry from a complete stranger.

Anyway. Let's back up a bit. So, a few things you may or may not have known about me that I'd rather make clear so it all makes sense:

• I am a bisexual woman; Yes, I am divorcing a man and have been in a relationship with a woman for the past few months.
• I have staunchly maintained a childfree mindset and lifestyle for the past 10 or so years.
• Up until recently, I was not even interested in ever being with someone that had children. Fun fact: That's how my ex-husband and I first bonded on Match.com ~ our mutual desire to be childfree.

So, imagine me now, with someone who has two young children.  (Listen, when I said 2017 was a year of big changes, I very, VERY much meant it. I'm excited to share it all with you!)

With her permission, I am going to honestly share what it's like to be me in this situation...purely for your amusement. Especially if you have children of your own. 

First of all - it's weird to think of me being in a parental role. I feel entirely too silly of a person to be in charge of little humans. I'm 33, but people I graduated high school with have teenagers by now and seem to be ROCKIN' their family life like it ain't no big deal. I still feel too young to be wrangling a 5 and 7 year old in. I don't think I will ever feel whatever age parenthood is supposed to feel like.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this blog, we went on a family vacation together. Let's call this Baptism by Fire.

Three whole days of the beach, the water park, the boardwalk at Wildwood, NJ. I got to experience us arriving at 3 a.m. on Monday morning, snagging the overtired kids around noontime from their grandparents, and dealing with the disappointment of a rainy day. Thankfully, E and J are wonderful and we went to a used book store and we all got books! Yasssss, they like books! 

We could've stayed in there forever, but 9 books later we were headed to the nearest Dunkin Donuts in the pouring rain with kids who can't keep their hands off of each other, can't stop tattling, can't stop bitching. Holy moly - all that takes up a lot of mental space. You parents that are used to that after years of exposure - God bless you. I'm only about 4 months in and I catch myself wanting to tell them exactly what's up but they are so young. Too young to really understand how none of that squabbling and tattling matters in life. How little it matters if J held E's slinky when she wasn't playing with it. How it does not change the world in the slightest if one crosses their eyes at the other.

But the moments of running with them in the rain from the car to the inside of Dunkin to grab much needed coffee and donuts; hearing them laugh their heads off at corny jokes and bad dance moves; having E give me her Fluffy to sleep with so I won't be lonely...those moments are shockingly sweet. I used to smile, nod, and pretend I understood when people tried to explain that to me about parenthood. Now I feel that.

Here's Fluffy ~ my Guardian.

Family vacations are really about what the kids want to do. 100% of the time; except for nap time. What is it with kids and not wanting to take naps? What exactly are they worried about missing?  If you ask E or J if they're tired, even if you just caught them nodding off at the table, them little boogers will LIE to you and tell you NO, they are NOT!

What is this nonsense? If I could take a nap every day, I WOULD and I'd be damned proud to have made the time!

Nap time is what makes the evenings easier to handle when we're just as tired as the little ones. Yet, this is not something you can explain to young children; the fact that you are JUST as tired as they are and have the same tolerance level.

Because sometimes I want to do this, too:

Imagine it with sound.  A lot of sound, because I'm a lot larger than a 5 year old.

Kids just want to go.  They aren't hungry, but when they are, it's only after you've gotten yourself something delicious to eat. They whine for a hot dog, but when they get it, they want a pretzel instead. They want to snatch what their sibling is eating without asking, even though they insisted they weren't hungry. They eat 5 bites of their ice cream cone, decide it's too cold to hang on to and ask you to hang onto it instead. They hand you their garbage, despite the garbage can right next to them. They hand you their toys they wanted to play with once they're done hanging on to them. Their legs hurt after a long day of running, jumping, playing ~ they want your tired-ass to carry them.

And then when you get back to the room, they beg you to take silly photos and you end up laughing your ass off because...right before your eyes...a little human is growing up into their individual personality. A personality which is unique and beautiful and, yes, at times, super duper annoying. But lovely.  Just so lovely.

Biting the Hand that Fed You...

I have eluded to the type of year 2017 is shaping up to be numerous times. Maybe it's even sounded like a broken record, but while 2016 may have ravaged you - this year is shaping and changing me.  When it's all over with, I may have a few extra grey hairs...but guess what?  I'm going to proudly sport those bitches and strut my stuff on into 2018.

Because this year is all about cleaning house! I've been working very diligently on cleaning up my home life, my career life, my mental state.

I want to get real for a minute ~ because I am hot, hot, hot right now.  Fuming, actually...because a big - HUGE - trend this year is "biting the hand that feeds."

Let me explain.

When it comes to my divorce, my ex still has not closed on the refinance of our marital residence, which should've been completed by 6/30. I have been nothing but patient, kind - allowing him to reside there, getting whatever documentation he has needed in order to take the mortgage loan, which is solely in my name, so the house can be his. I accepted a lump sum payment to be due upon the closing.

The lump sum isn't even half of what the equity is in the home but honestly? I don't want to fight over nickles and dimes. I didn't want to be one of "those" people that I've dealt with so many times in my job.  I didn't want to fight! But, I want what's fair - my credit, my financial records - that is what got us that home. My two jobs to have a down payment. My income to support us when things were tight.

At any time, I could have assumed ownership of this house but I honestly wanted him to retain it for the purpose of the dogs we had together. They are big dogs and they don't deserve to be cramped in an apartment. Not only that, the big garage on the property is super helpful for my ex's construction business. I wanted him to have those things so he could continue on with his life.

I don't know why I care or why I have been so nice - I could've been the bitch I was painted to be. But when we began going through the first steps of our separation, I told myself I wanted to behave in a way that I could sleep well at night. I wanted to behave in a way that when I meet my Maker someday that I am not ashamed of my actions in this situation. So, I have.  But today...oh boy, today? I am fuming mad, mostly at myself for thinking that we could work together as a team to resolve things fairly. For caring about his and the dogs' needs. For being patient and waiting. For being understanding.

Biting the hand that feeds.  I swear, I should have no fingers left.

I even got this when I exited ILKB. I have not talked about this publicly. I left because my life outside needed more attention that my job. I wasn't feeling like I was in a good place mentally; I wanted to have a life and the ability to focus more on it to take care of the myriad of things that have been added to my plate. I was grieving the loss of some pretty large things in my life, all while being super excited about the possibilities in all of it.

Everything was fine when I gave my notice, and I was honest about my situation and what I needed for me.  I was not allowed to finish my shifts. I was abruptly cut off and nothing was done to even acknowledge my time there. I, who welcomed the very first people to walk through the doors when ILKB opened, was not really appreciated for a single thing.  Oh, while I worked there, I was fluffed up.  I was told that I was loved - how awesome I was, how amazing.  I won Franchise Manager of the Year in 2016.

The staff that I hand-picked, hired and believed in? Most of them ditched me completely; my assistant manager blocked me on social media, after profusely telling me she'd always be there for me, that she loved me, was super sad I was leaving...but understood I had to do it for me. The new assistant manager deleted me off of social media. I did nothing, to my knowledge, to these girls and in return, rumors were spread about me. I was accused of not training, not doing my job, stealing.  I was hounded about different records that the new management had in their possession even 4 weeks after I was into my new job. I was gossipped about, and that really hurt, especially in a time of my life where there seemed to be so much adversarity and difficulty.

These were people I spent a great deal of time with; people that I cared about. People that cried to me, that I cried to back. We knew a great deal about each other's personal lives because we were all, what I thought, friends. However ~ knowing all the things I was going through, I was judged and talked about, kicked out of the members' group and not welcomed back to even take classes.  If you were one of the many that asked me why I haven't been back to take classes, this is why! I can finally say it because who cares. Why should I care who knows about what happened anymore? I don't owe anyone anything.

I sacrificed my time, my body, my emotions...hell, my ex would even say my entire marriage (which isn't entirely true)...for that career. I got a lot out of it though. I got great leadership and marketing experience. I got to meet some fabulous, amazing people. I got to meet and fall in love with my partner. I got a clearer perspective on what I want out of my life and what mistakes to hopefully not make again in the future. For all of that, I will never regret a single second of it. But I still can be mad as heck and still nurse some hurt over all the things 2017 has brought to me so far that's negative.

So, today, I am feeling the only finger I have left from all the chewing is my middle one.