I Dare.

I'm going to do something super uncomfortable.

I'm going to admit something that a lot of people don't really admit when it's happening...but my husband and I are separating.   

I almost feel like I shouldn't be announcing it to the world - because it's not really the world's business.  But the whole purpose of this blog is to share, to connect, to talk about the things that are going on.  Not to just pretend life is all hunky-dory 24/7.  

Okay, life is generally hunky-dory.  But that includes the ugly, hurtful things.  Life can be amazing and still have the rough stuff.

And rough stuff it is.  

The "put your game face on and deal with it" aspect is rough.  There are things that still have to be done, no matter how I'm feeling.  Buying a car, securing an apartment, dealing with questions about why I'm the one leaving the house, buying new things for said apartment because no, I'm not the type to leave someone with nothing (that's not nice), packing, CHRISTMAS, a full time job, furbabies...

While yeah, some moments I want to just lay on the floor and sob (and I have, it is what it is), life must go on.  And it can either go on positively or I can dwell on all the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and drown in them eventually.

I have my good moments and bad moments.  And those happen within moments.  

Today was rough.  I was (and still sort of am) unsure about a departure date from my home.  It's frustrating to not have a closure with that, but it's getting sorted.  But, I put on press-on nails today and felt better.  I made myself a giant bowl of popcorn for dinner and I felt better.  I looked at a different, but super amazing apartment and felt better.  I have the love and support of my family and friends (and that includes all my peeps at my job), and I felt better.  

But I went through our wedding cards and was upset.  Hugged a teddy bear I got on Valentine's Day and was upset.  Watched him walk out of our house, headed to a hotel for the night, was upset.  Thought about never seeing Berkley and Dave again, got upset.  Because this is all relatively amicable doesn't mean we are ever going to be friends.  But I keep saying to myself - a lot of suffering is caused by holding on...let go.  God has it in control.  And I truly believe He does.

And I'm alive.  I'm unapologetically alive.  I'm going through a rough time and I'm not going to be sorry for it or sorry for myself.  I am grieving but I know life is going to be happy for us both.  I'm going to be kind to myself about the process of it all.  When I'm sad, I will be sad.  When I'm joyous, I will dance.  When I am tired, I will do my best and nap!  Because holy cow.  The wide array of emotions that has been passing through this house the past few weeks has us both exhausted and looking forward to this change, despite how large of one it is.  Both of us need space and time to heal, sleep, and move on.

Sunday Pancakes

I have the morning to myself so...it's definitely Rusted Root radio time.  Do you ever just find a station on Pandora and play it right out?  This station is all want to listen to...all. The. Time.

So, there's that.

And there's pancakes because it's SUNDAY!  It's been a long time since I've made myself pancakes.  There's just something about a Sunday morning where I feel like I can slow down and make myself (and my husband, if he's home) a more "elaborate" breakfast that I wouldn't normally take the time during the weekdays to make.

Which is just dumb.  Because this protein pancake recipe I'm going to share is super easy and fast - there's NO reason why anyone couldn't be doing this during the week.

(The batter can even be made in advance and used throughout the week.)

Here is what you need:

 4 ingredients!  (Note:  This recipe serves ONE)

•  3 egg whites
• 1/2 cup cottage cheese (I use fat-free)
• 1/2 rolled oats/steel cut oats (your choice)
• 1 tsp protein powder of your choice (and this is optional)

 Okay, cool.  So what now?

If you mess up and get some egg yolk in there like I did, no worries!  It's still going to be delicious. 

Put it in your food processor and blend, blend, blend until it resembles a batter. 

While this is going on, I put my frying pan on my stove on medium heat with about a tbsp. unrefined coconut oil.  When the oil is heated through, I put some of the batter on and flip once one side is very bubbly.

Now, before you put the batter in the pan, you can choose from one big pancake or a few mini ones.  I chose 2 small pancakes just because I thought it'd look better in a photo.  :) 

And it did. 

These are super filling and awesome.  The smidgen of vanilla protein powder I used gives that hint of vanilla and the real maple syrup is just a nice treat.  Don't be stingy here - when you want pancakes, use REAL syrup, not the Aunt Jemima nonsense.  Plus, by using real syrup you may find you use less because it has so much more flavor; a little goes a long way!

This recipe can be customized in so many ways, too - you can add fresh fruit, you can add chocolate chips.  You can add them into the batter on the stove or you can blend them in with the batter.  Feel free to make it yours!

So, for the rest of this Sunday I am going to meal prep, craft, listen to Pandora, watch Netflix and simply ignore my phone.  Everyone needs to disconnect now and then from the internet and the outside world.  Everyone should take a break from the noise.

Crafting...Teaching Me Life Lessons

A very happy backyard

It's Wednesday and while most of the people I know are at work today...I have an unexpected day off and I'm enjoying this very moment that I'm in.

I have a warm pug in my lap, a cooling cup of coffee in front of me and a brain full of ideas for projects I'd like to work on today. 

Pandora is playing in the background because I take full advantage of listening to the stations I want to when I am by myself!  My husband and I share very different taste in music.

This week I tackled a new craft - watercolored mugs!  I took plain white mugs and followed a very simple Pinterest tutorial.

Baked (to seal in the color) and washed!

They're unique.  They're fun.  They're artsy...all things that I love!  But I'm not entirely happy because although everything indicates that they are safe to use for food purposes I can't help but feel weird that it's baked on nail polish.  I'd rather not take a risk that someone could be putting poison in their bodies. 

With that being said, I am going to have another go at this project but I will just be adding color on to the bottom of the mugs and spoons...where mouths will not be touching.

But, what's to be done with the mugs in the picture, if they aren't going to be used actually as drinking mugs?  I'm considering peppermint-scented candles to keep them a festive holiday gift! I think they will be perfect for a yankee-swap gift exchange I have coming up.

One of the things that I love about crafting is that there are no real mistakes.  What could be seen as a blooper can be easily made into something else quite useful; there's a lot of fun in the learning of new things!  It's a great exercise in not focusing on the disappointment of something not turning out as planned, but simply going with the flow.

Living with Intention - Snowy, Dreamy Thoughts

Hot coffee - snowy morning

If you read my last blog post, you can imagine that my week wasn't the easiest one.  As the week wore on, it improved drastically.  I am so grateful for that!  So, on this snowy Monday morning I'm just enjoying the peaceful, loving feeling that is around our home.  

I'm one of the 5 New Yorkers who enjoy the snow.  I didn't always; I had a goal for myself when I was younger to be living in Aruba by age 25.  When that didn't happen, it was Florida by 30.  Basically - wherever it wasn't ever cold was where I wanted to be.  But there's a sense of calm in the cold weather.  A feeling of it's okay to sit back, sip on something warm, and just be present in the moment.

I love these moments. It's the perfect time to enjoy the slowness of this snowy, sleepy morning, savor my cup of coffee, and just think about what I want out of my life.  What I want for my future.

Keeping a schedule packed to the gills doesn't necessarily allow me to achieve what I'm looking to do.  Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning in circles and have to put my hand down on something solid to steady me again.  I think that's just how most of us live nowadays; it's become acceptable to be accountable for every second of our days.

 I would like a life with no debt, more freedom to travel, more room for creativity.  But that's not specific enough; in order to create what I dream of, I have to steep in the details of it.  

I don't know if I can even get specific enough yet for this post, but I'm going to try.  Even if it ends up being a running list that can be connected together at a later date.

I'm going to close my eyes...and here...we...go!

• I see woods around me; more than what I have currently around my home.  I see snow; I feel the warmth of a wood stove; I smell the smoke and ash. 
• I feel the closeness of a cabin; it's cozy.  It's simple.  It's uncluttered.
• Of course, dogs.  My home wouldn't be complete with out our 4-legged babies.
• Quiet, except for the faint noise of music.
• I create.  With my hands ~ I create things for people.  I educate, I guide, I encourage, I coach.
• My husband - the amazing carpenter he is - has a wood shop that he's in, creating.  Fixing.  Re-purposing. Giving new life to something.  He's happy, fulfilled, content. 
• We aren't rushed. There is no where either of us have to be at any given point of time.  We can simply be and accomplish what we can in our own time.

That's all I have so far.  Looking at my list, it's clear to me that I envision a life that's a bit more simple than the one we're living now. That's what I truly want ~ and that's what I am going to create.

 

You may be asking yourself what is so complicated about right now.  "Right now" isn't bad - but I feel sometimes bogged down by schedules and to-do lists that the projects that I have waiting for me to work on that would really make my heart sing end up on a waiting list.  Perhaps you can relate to this, but I can't help this nagging feeling in my gut that while that may be the way others accept their lives to be, it isn't what I want to accept. 

I am almost finished reading this amazing book called "YOU are a BADASS - How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life" (by Jen Sincero) and it's been truly inspiring. Whenever I've expressed over the years to say, work part time and live full time, I've been laughed at by my friends and family.  But what's wrong with having a goal?  Jen Sincero writes that if you want a certain lifestyle, you have to begin living like you already live that lifestyle. And so it shall be.

"Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Roots"

I've had one of the toughest weeks ever.  In cruising through my Facebook feed, begging for a distraction, I've seen that others have, too.  Maybe it's just the week.  Maybe it's the holiday season and the winter blues that can go along with it. 

Either way, this week was just tough.  But I know that the challenges that this week brought to my family are things that need to weathered in order for the peace and happiness that will come afterwards. I have to believe that.

This is the first week of my husband's sobriety.  

I am beyond proud of him for taking his depression and dependency issues and facing them and saying, "No more." 

But the beauty of it does come with ugly parts.  The shivers, the mood swings, the angry and hurtful words, the blaming...the overall struggle.  It's really tough to watch someone that you love go through this.  We're just in the beginning part of all of this together but yesterday I found myself wondering if I have what it takes to help him through this, as he had expressed to me that he felt I'm a large part of the problem. 

It's tough to decipher who's talking - my husband or the illness. But one of my husband's amazing qualities is that he is very good at apologizing when he is wrong, and he is able to do so nearly immediately after the fact.  I don't feel like many people are able to really do this and it was something I noticed about him right away, early on in our relationship.  It's admirable; it's selfless.  A simple apology can mean so much and I've never really understood why those two little words are hard to say. 

Of course, an apology that happens afterwards doesn't make the angry words much easier to hear.

 

  

On our wedding day, we chose traditional vows.  Those vows included the phrase, "I plight thee my trough."  It means that we both pledged our faithfulness, loyalty and truthfulness.  We didn't reserve those things just for the happy times, but also for the hard times.  This is what I have to hold on to during the gritty times of this process.  

This was a tough blog to write.  I'm sure I will get some flack for exposing a personal situation for all to see but I really felt compelled to let it out.  I would rather open doors for communication and support from all directions than keep it to myself.  

If someone reading this is going through a similar situation and it offers a bit of encouragement ~ then I feel it's the right thing to have done.  We aren't every truly alone in our sufferings, are we?  And suffering shouldn't be anything to be ashamed of.