More Thoughts on Breaking Cycles...

Quick note before I get into the nitty-gritty...I AM SO EXCITED!  I got myself a LG desktop computer today and OH EM GEE - it is the cutest thing!  I feel so adult.  Much adult.  So wow.

Okay, moving on to the serious stuffs.

A few posts ago, I talked about two cycles I grew up with and how I conquered one of them, but the other is a work in progress.

What I didn't truly realize was that while I admitted those challenges, another one was hiding right under my nose the entire time.  Another cycle that I didn't grow up with, but one that developed about 5 years ago.

It's so true what the pastor of my church said yesterday - let me share it with you, in likely NOT his exact words:

several small wise decisions x multiple days = an amazing life

and

several small unwise decisions x multiple days = a miserable life

That really hit home for me because I was still engaging in a certain behavioral habit that I had kicked about a month before my husband and I split.  But it came back up when I moved into my own place. So, I was moving forward in many ways except for one.

I think of how my life got to this point and man, isn't hindsight a huge joke.  I can clearly remember each and every small, unwise decision I made that lead me to where I'm sitting right now.  I made excuses, I allowed the behaviors and habits of another disturb my rhythm.  I rationalized it.  I validated it. I profited from it.

Sure, my life is pretty amazing in so many ways, but I had also felt ashamed, too.  I wasn't who my parents raised me to be.  I didn't feel I was living honestly.  I felt like I had a double life and once I started admitting to people how things rolled into one giant snowball that broke apart into pieces...I actually felt free.  And I started with my parents; probably the hardest people to admit my poor decisions to.

The most reassuring thing to really know is that it's never too late to stop the nonsense.  So, I made the decision, again, to, and this time it's going to stick.  The poor decisions I made are no longer a part of who I am; I left them behind in 2016 along with other things that weren't working.

And it seems like for so many, 2016 was a rough year that left people ragged and tired.  Don't blame the year.  Don't really blame anything - just own your actions and decisions and #DoBetter.

How My Life is Changing

I've been due another raw(ish) blog post but I haven't been certain as to what to say.  To follow up...

I "dared" to expose that my husband and I were separating in my last post.  And we did.  I moved into my own cozy place a couple of days before Christmas and have been residing here since.

I've been setting into my new routine and the biggest change is that I find I have a lot more free time.  I am no longer taking care of an entire household, another individual, 3 dogs...I've had time to sit on my couch and just relax and reflect on a lot of things I've experienced over the past few years.  The fact that I can just sit and not be needed to do something when I'm home is really very nice. 

Stacey is no longer working 24/7.  #SayWhat?

I also look in the mirror and feel like my face is less tired looking and worried from stress and anxiety.  I feel like I've been smiling easier, laughing harder, being Stacey a lot better than I was.  But I also feel that I lost my best friend.  So, there's that, too. 

When I come home, the vibes are good because it's just FeeBee and I.  There's no one else's mood to dance around and wonder about.

FeeBee is happier.  This 14 year old pug wants to play again! She has stuffed toys that don't get destroyed and when I'm at work, she sleeps snuggly in her little doggie bed.  She has a dog bed!  She couldn't have that before because it would have been eaten.

Speaking of eating, I'm about 90% vegetarian now and I feel fabulous!  I feel like my energy and strength has increased.  Mentally and physically.

I'm not a person who gets lonely when I'm by myself.  I like alone time; it's how I re-charge.  I can sometimes get lonely in crowds when I don't feel I have a connection to who is there around me.  I think that may be a worse feeling - the feeling of being around others but feeling disconnected.  But I enjoy being an independent, free person.

Do I wish my husband and I could've worked it out?  Sure. I take my marriage vows very seriously but both people have to be willing to put in the work, not just one.  This is not an accusation but a true statement.  In order for any relationship to work, the people involved have to work together.  There was more than one factor in our split and we are simply choosing to work on bettering ourselves separately, not together.

And when I am ready, I can seek to find a like-minded individual.  And my husband can, as well.

The biggest change really is the sense of peace I feel right now.  That I am doing exactly the right things to grow as a person and to fulfill whatever purpose God has in store for me.  I don't feel like I am fighting the inevitable - as my friend Will would call it - "square peg, round hole".