Be kind. Rewind.

In a shocking turn of events that has everyone's head spinning - I am making yet another large change for 2017.  2017 is the year I return to an old career path with a new perspective.

This one is going back to an office job!  #SayWhat?!

I have just found myself craving the normalcy of a regular schedule for sleeping, social life stuffs and personal time.  My old job, about a month ago, offered me my job back in such a way that it was kinda played off as a joke...but underneath it I knew they were interested.  I was surprised in the way that I didn't flat out reject it, I just kind of avoided it and continued to chew on it until I knew it was the right path to take.

Weird right?  I've been with the ILKB in Clifton Park since it opened. I have accomplished so much, I've met so many wonderful people who have touched my life.  I don't regret a single step of it. The change from a paralegal to a kickboxing instructor to a full out manager (Manager of the Year, if I do say so myself!) was so rewarding and empowering in a way that I don't think I could have achieved doing anything else.  I got to see not only members, but my staff, grow and change in ways that make me so proud.

Apparently 2017 is the time to just shake up every single aspect of my life and put it all in the hands of God, trusting in His plan and learning to just let go.

So I am traveling back in time, back to a time when I was a Davis working at a law firm in Malta.  It's like a movie - where you get to go back in time and do something a little bit better than before because you know better.  You're wiser now.  You know what to expect.  The perspective is different.

Life is about taking chances, moving on, making mistakes, being victorious, and above all - growing.

Things to never apologize for...

Yesterday, I was feisty and I seemed to have struck a raw spot in a live video on Facebook that I posted.  A couple of people took the time to write me private message about it - one agreed with me and the other clearly didn't understand my message and was offended by it.

It really got me thinking about how social media has changed so much of how we think and feel as a whole.

It is now acceptable behavior for us to connect with one another with the sole purpose of selling them something.  This was the underlying message in my video - despite the distracted ranting of how there is no magic pill for the perfect body (because, being in the fitness industry for the past few years now, this really, really irks me).

I have personally noticed an increase in people's private agendas.  Due to the nature of my career, I have to pay close attention to social media.  I get frequent friend requests, most of the time from strangers.  That's fine - but what isn't acceptable to me is that people don't even try to get to know me first before they launch into a sales pitch via Facebook messenger.  Sell what you want on your Facebook page, but I find it rude and presumptive to send someone a private message inviting them to try some revolutionary, life-changing product and then be pressured to join their "team" with the promise of a lucrative extra income.

Guess what?  I've been in direct sales before.  It's not my favorite because it does require that almost...pushy...personality.  I don't know of a single person who enjoys pushy people.  I was a Jamberry consultant for a hot second because it was fun and I loved the products and the discount.  I also loved the ability to meet new people because at the time I worked in an office. Once I started at ilovekickboxing, I didn't have the time for it anymore. I made a few extra bucks. Not a ton, but that's not why I was doing it.

So, I'm not going to apologize for not wanting to be constantly sold to and annoyed by people's agendas. If I messaged you every week (especially if you don't respond to any of my messages) about my fitness program, you may get annoyed by it too.  You might even block me. Maybe you'd even post a nasty message on my Facebook wall for all to see.  Maybe you'd sit behind your phone and wish diarrhea on me.

Anyway, it got me thinking about other things that I don't think people should have to apologize for*:

• taking time to yourself;
• how we choose to spend our money;
• having boundaries and asserting them;
• for being in a mood that is anything but a good one;
• for not always being immediately accessible;
• for being a little harmlessly foolish at times;
• for not wanting to do something;
• for a messy/cluttered home;
• for not wanting to continue a relationship;
• for their beliefs;
• for trying something new and not quite getting it right the first time;
• for needing help;
• choosing sleep over a night out;
• for saying what needs to be said.

*But certainly can if, that's your thing.

Just...live your life your way and don't feel like you need to explain yourself if you don't want to.

Stories from a past life

Sometimes, when I think of my past, it doesn't seem real.  It seems like a completely different life.  Part of that different life was my prior profession - if you didn't know, I was a paralegal for 12 years!  It was a general practice firm but, let's face it, no one who was walking through our doors, save a select few, were in the best part of their lives. This made it challenging and frustrating.  The biggest part of my job was straightening out people's muck; dealing with the paperwork of one of the most highly emotional parts of other people's lives.

When I went into the field, I remember my dad being worried that the stressful nature of the job would break me down.  That I'd take too much of other people's feelings onto myself and let it shake me.  I had to learn right away to...for the lack of better words...divorce myself from the emotions that go behind other people's matrimonial actions, family court proceedings, and estate distribution squabbles...in order to get the job done.  It's not a paralegal's job to feel the pain and frustration that goes behind those things; nor is it the job of the attorneys or the Court system in general.  We simply clean up the mess.  Shuffle papers and move on.

I didn't have a problem turning off those feelings and just getting the job done.  Somewhere along the line though I realized that we really were dealing with some pretty heavy shit and we had to laugh about a lot of it to get through. This seemed dark to me after a while.  Don't get me wrong; I worked for fabulous, ethical, honest people - I can't say enough good about them - it's simply the nature of the work, I think, necessitating those coping mechanisms.

When I realized this, I was able to see a trend in my life.  I am cool under personal life pressure; that job really taught me that.  In the middle of a crisis, I'm able to see what needs to be done and just do it.  I'm not saying I don't cry or have moments of just wondering what the heck else can happen, but life goes on even when we don't want it to.  When my husband and I split, I bought a brand new car, found an apartment, signed the lease, moved in literally the next day.  I taught some of my best kickboxing classes.  I unpacked over the weekend -  Christmas was even in there somewhere.  That probably looked and felt very abrupt.  But...things need to be done and sitting around feeling sorry for myself doesn't do it.  While I have an amazing support system of family and friends and know I can always count on them, my life can't just stop. No one's going to live at my house and wait on me hand and foot and tuck me into bed at night.  I'm an adult; I got it.

That ability can be misconstrued as being cold and uncaring. I'm really not - but I was conditioned for a very long time to just see the paperwork of life because there are tasks that need to be addressed.  Deal with the emotions later on, but take care of the paperwork now. Emotions don't get the job done; buckling down does.

So I think over the next several blogs, I'm going to share some stories about that part of my life. It's stuff I am ready to talk about now, two years after the fact. All of our experiences shape who we are today and these certainly shape me.

Plus, reminiscing is fun :)

Like a switch

Life just changes.  Quick as that - a switch is flipped and things are different.  Weird.  Uncomfortable. Exciting.  Awesome.

It's been a week since my best friend passed and it was full of ups and downs.  I kept myself busy with work and friends because every time I came home it was empty; the saddest feeling I've ever experienced.

I said no to a few things lately. Dating, for one. I am dealing with grief and can't focus on really giving someone new the attention they would like. I'd rather focus on me becoming whole again so when I can enter the scene I am who I know I am. I bet that's difficult for some to understand but it is what it is. I'd rather be honest about where I'm at than fake it.

Extra jobs.  No, I don't want to sell nutritional/skin supplements, or ItWorks wraps. Honestly, I'm annoyed by all of the messages asking me about these things. Eat healthfully and exercise and don't ask me to join your MLM business. I like crafts; I'd rather create things in my spare time.

Dick pics.  Yeah, I got one of these by a random person on Facebook...I didn't know those were actual, real things people sent to others they've never talked to before. Disgusting. No one wants to see that.

But I've said yes to getting more involved in my church, my growth group, and loving those around me.

2017 just continues to be weird...but I'm gonna go with it.

But in other happy news - today I was picked by a new baby.  His name was Enzo at the shelter and I wanted to change it to Pickles...but then as he began to settle into his new home with me tonight, the name "Adam" came to mind.  It fits!

Little Adam on our way home!

He's just under 5 months old, he's a collie/lab mix and he's super freakin' smart. And a cuddle bug. And a huge fan of giving and receiving kisses, but not of baths or music. My home isn't a real home without a dog and I wasn't really, truly, expecting to find a new "child" so fast. But it felt right and I think he and I need each other.

There was and will be only one FeeBee.  But there's also now Adam. A new dog that I can give a great, loving home to because FeeBee taught me how. I think she'd want that, instead of the really sad, grief-stricken mom I've been all week long.

So here's to new adventures ~ a brand new year ~ a new season of my life.

Finding my words.

At the end of 2016, my Facebook feed was filled stuff like this:

..and I didn't really get it. It was definitely "a year"; 2016 had many great times and it had its rough, dirty times, too. But, really, none of that is holding a candle to my year thus far.

I mentioned before that I'm going through a divorce. I've lived in my new place with FeeBee since 12/23 and the attorneys are handling everything, so I don't feel like much of my energy is spent in that direction.

But yesterday was the hardest day of my entire life.  Yesterday FeeBee was euthanized at an emergency veterinary clinic. I had brought her in Friday night and they were going to keep her all weekend to stabilize her vitals. Her blood sugar was way down (she hadn't really eaten) and her blood pressure was very low. It was hard leaving her Friday night but I was just hoping for the best, knowing it was the right thing to happen.

The next morning I was called by the doctor and her blood pressure had continued to drop, despite the medicine she was being given to elevate it. She was not responsive and could do no more than simply lay there.  There was fluid in her body that suggests a very large infection but they couldn't even truly investigate because they couldn't get her stabilized. I had to make the decision to let her go as her BP was so low that her body was beginning to shut down; the doctor said that they had exhausted all of their methods.

I just howled in my apartment. I don't know the other word for it but I howled. And all I've wanted to do is scream, throw things, just let loose and I can't.

Thankfully, FeeBee waited for me to arrive.  She couldn't move but she saw me and wiggled her eyebrows, twitched her feet a bit. When I picked her up she just melted in my arms. My parents were on their way, my friend had brought me there, but I wanted to wait for my parents to arrive to put her to rest. I wasn't able to do that because her breathing began to get very labored and it's just not right to let her hurt.  So, she was put to sleep in my lap and it was like she simply...fell asleep.  Just without the snoring.

The outpouring of love I've received from people is simply amazing. I don't even know what to do with it all.  I've been asked if I'm okay, how I'm doing...and the truth is - I don't know how I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm really doing very well. I feel that I'm putting on a face and just going through the motions.  I feel like a can of fireworks. I feel like a part of me is missing and I could float away.  I feel like everyone is watching me to see how I'm going to be and I have to pretend that I still am feeling like there's purpose in all of this.

I feel like I don't want to do anything. I feel like I don't know my place. I just despair.  It comes in waves and I catch myself just whining.  She was 14 when she died; I had her since she was a baby. I don't know what it's like to not have someone to come home to. I don't know what my life is like without her because it's been so long I don't remember.  She slept with me and her spot was curled up right next to my belly.  That spot feels so empty.  I've never had an empty house or an empty bed.

I have faith I'll see her again but that doesn't make the feeling of loss I'm experiencing right now any better. It doesn't make my apartment feel like a home again, like it did less than 48 hours ago.

FeeBee is buried at my parents' house. Somehow, the ground was soft enough to dig a deep hole and place her in, next to her brother. I wasn't sure how we'd do it but my dad was like "We'll pick-axe it if we need to," - no excuses.  So me, my dad, and my friend Theresa dug a hole for my baby and didn't even need the axe. It was a gorgeous, warm day.  The kind of day that would've made FeeBee perk up and want to explore outside.

I'm grateful for a lot of things, despite the pain. I'm grateful that for 2 months, she was the one that received all my love and attention - never mind the attention from my friends and family. She liked being the only dog; the only recipient of all affection. I had almost 14 years with her and that's more than a lot of people have with their dogs.  When I moved here, she came with me wherever she could, so, basically, everywhere but work, the grocery store, and my weekend trip to Boston. She had a great life; I just wish it would last forever.

She.

Made me laugh, made me stop and be present, made me love.

And if you hear a howling, that is me.

Tutorial: Boxing Glove Deodorizers

I promised that I'd do a "how-to" with how I make my homemade boxing glove deodorizers.

They're easy to make...but they take me some time to make.  I only have the attention span to make, at most, 4 at a time.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe you've seen my random "for sale" posts for these babies on Facebook?  If you still don't know, I have been making glove deodorizers out of the amazing collection of fabric I already have in my possession.  Because let's face it - hands sweat in gloves, regardless of wearing hand wraps or not, and that can get downright unpleasant.  Why not have something that can help absorb the moisture and keep your gloves from smelling like Fritos?

So here's my tutorial on how to make your own so your hands can stop stinking TODAY! :)

First off, you need some things.  They are:

• Fabric; something with very little to no stretch;
• A stencil of the shape of the deodorizer - I made my own out of card-stock paper;
• A strip of fabric that will act as a tie in between the two deodorizers;
• A Sharpie - whatever color you like;
• Plain rice;
• Essential oils;
• Sewing machine; and 
• Quality thread similar to the color scheme you're going with.

First things first, get your stuff ready.  There's nothing more frustrating than to have to stop what you're doing to try and find what you need.

Pick your fabric and get your stencil ready!

Turn the fabric inside out and use your stencil to make the pattern.  In this photo, I had folded the fabric inside out, so it looks like there's only TWO patterns but there's actually FOUR.  You need four.

Sew, and flip inside out (really, "right side in".  Note:  When you flip them, it's gonna look teeny tiny.  No worries.  Just wait until you fill them.

The rice and essential oil ~ I used quite a few droplets in this batch.  The amount of rice you will need will vary.  I use rice because it's sustainable AND if you put these in the microwave for 2 minutes, they will make a wonderful heat pack :)  You can also put them in the freezer.  So, versatility!

I fill the two sacks halfway with rice because when it lays down, I want the rice to have room to spread!  

Insert the strap into the opening at the top, and fold over until smooth.  Pin to keep the edges straight while sewing!

There we go!  Sew both sides...

And bingo!  Glove deodorizers!

Some things to note - the strap in between should also be a material that's not super stretchy.  If you want to know what I used...I shall tell you :)  It's actually a pair of hand wraps I ironed and cut to re-purpose!  So if you have extra hand wraps laying around that don't seem to have their mate (as in, your dryer ate it right along with your socks), this is a great way to put them to good use.  Plus, the fact that they're FOR boxing gloves makes it a rather cool feature.

I'm by no way an expert seamstress.  I'm self-taught and I learn something new with every single pair I make.  But ~ I love learning new crafts AND it also pleases me to re-purpose things into something that's extremely useful and desired. So, the stitches aren't perfect and each pair is different than the last. I just get such enjoyment making things for people and spending time in my craft room.  

I feel very blessed to have fallen on both feet and found the place I did. I have an entire room with its only purpose being to foster my imagination and creativity. 

I've always enjoyed it.

Standing still.

Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath 

and just

realizing that while I freeze

the world moves around me.

I love standing still amidst chaos and just feeling the motion around me.

This weekend I traveled with a friend to Boston. I don't ever want to live in a city but who knows, maybe someday I might for a time. I like the busy-ness of it; the realization of complete anonymity.  No one knows me and no one likely will remember my face. The fact that there are tourists in and out of Boston at any given time it'd be fate if you ran into these same people again someday in another place, in another time.

I like traveling and this weekend away rekindled a fire in me. I used to love to hop on the train and just go. Get in the car and go. Pack a bag, pack FeeBee, and go.  And that was something sort of lost over the past 5 or so years. I grew roots under my feet and they ran deep. Now I am feeling untethered and I want to just go.  "Go", not in the sense of run away - but go and come back.  Go and bring back a little something else to puzzle-piece into my life.  Go.

To go with a limited agenda - just pick where and one big thing to do and let the rest fall into place.

To go with a backpack and some snacks and water.

To go and take pictures of whatever strikes my fancy.

To go and simply imagine not coming back - to dream about starting over with nothing but the contents of a knapsack.  To start from the bottom and see what can be created.

I like to dream like this and it has made people uncomfortable before. Dreaming doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life; I just have a big imagination that's constantly fueled by whatever I am feeding it that day. When I feed it with the beauty of traveling to new or favorite places, I want to continue to go, leave. When I feed it with creating something new, I want to stay home for days on end and burn myself out with all the ideas. When I'm involved in a good book, I want to throw all electronics outside so I can simply exist in the text.

I've always enjoyed getting a little bit lost.